Lauren Weisberger 3-Book Collection: Everyone Worth Knowing, Chasing Harry Winston, Last Night at Chateau Marmont

‘Of course nothing happened, that’s the whole point!’ I all but screamed. Two blond guys who looked fresh off the Princeton eating club path turned and looked at me curiously. I thought about composing myself for a minute since, well, they were both really cute, but I soon remembered that these obscenely hot lacrosse players were not only way too young, but most likely also had obscenely gorgeous girlfriends eight years my junior.

‘Seriously, Bette, I don’t know what you’re looking for. I mean, it’s a job, right? It’s still work. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s never going to be like sitting at the country club all day long, you know? Sure, it sucks to spend every waking minute at work. And I don’t exactly adore finance, either – I never fantasized about working at a bank – but it’s just not that bad.’

Penelope’s parents had tried to push her toward a position at Vogue or Sotheby’s as the final finishing school in the pursuit of her Mrs degree, but when she’d insisted on joining the rest of us in corporate America, they’d acquiesced – it was certainly possible to find a husband while working in finance, as long as she kept her priorities straight, didn’t display any overt ambition, and quit immediately after the wedding. Truth be told, though, while she whined and complained about the job, I think she actually liked it.

She handed over a ten-dollar bill to cover both of our ‘kebab’ plates, and my eyes were drawn to her hand like a magnet. Even I had to admit the ring was gorgeous. I said as much, for the tenth time, and she beamed. It was hard to be upset about the engagement when she was so obviously giddy. Avery had even stepped it up since the proposal and had managed to impersonate a real, caring fiancé, which of course had made her even happier. He’d met her after work so they could go home together, and had even brought her breakfast in bed. More important, he had refrained from clubbing, his favorite pastime, for a full three weeks now, the only exception being last week’s soiree in their honor. Penelope didn’t mind that Avery wanted to spend as much time as humanly possible wedged in between banquettes – or dancing on them – but she wanted no part of it. On the nights he was out with friends from his consulting firm, Penelope and I would sit at the Black Door, dive-bar extraordinaire, with Michael (when he was available), drinking beer and wondering why anyone would want to be anywhere else. But someone must’ve clued Avery in that while it’s acceptable to leave your girlfriend home six nights a week, ditching your fiancée is different, so he’d made a concerted effort to cut back. I knew it would never last.

We retraced our steps to the building and sneaked back into the office with only a single dirty look from the rule-abiding UBS shoe-shine guy (who, incidentally, was also forbidden to leave during lunch in case a pair of wing tips desperately needed a spit-shine between one and two P.M.). Penelope followed me back to my cubicle and planted herself on the chair that was theoretically for guests and clients, although I’d yet to host either.

‘So, we set a date,’ she said breathlessly, digging into the fragrant plate she balanced on her lap.

‘Oh, yeah? When?’

‘Exactly one year from next week. August tenth, on Martha’s Vineyard, which seems appropriate since that’s where it all began. We’ve been engaged for a few weeks, and already our mothers are going berserk. I seriously don’t know how I’m going to put up with them.’

Avery’s and Penelope’s families had been vacationing together since the two were toddlers. There were scads of photos of the whole lot of them sporting grosgrain flip-flops and cheap-chic L.L. Bean monogrammed totes in Martha’s Vineyard during the summer and Stubbs and Wootton slippers during ski vacations in the Adirondacks each year. She’d gone to Nightingale and he’d been at Collegiate and both of them had spent a good chunk of their respective childhoods being paraded around by their socialite mothers to various benefits and parties and weekend polo matches. Avery embraced it, threw himself on every junior committee of every foundation that asked, went out six nights a week with his parents’ unlimited line of credit, and was one of those New York–born-and-bred kids who knew everyone, everywhere. Much to her parents’ chagrin, Penelope had no interest whatsoever. She repeatedly rejected the whole circuit, preferring to spend all her time with a group of misfit artist types on scholarship, the kind of kids who gave Penelope’s mother night sweats. Avery and Penelope had never really been close – and certainly not remotely romantic – until Avery had graduated high school a year before her and headed to Emory. According to Penelope, who’d always harbored an intense secret crush on Avery, he’d been one of the most popular kids in school, the charming, athletic soccer player who got adequate grades and was hot enough to get away with being really, really arrogant. From what I could tell, she’d always blended into the background, like all exotically pretty girls do at an age when only blond hair and big boobs count, spending a lot of time getting good grades and trying desperately not to get noticed. And it worked, at least until Avery came back for summer break after his freshman year in college, looked across the hot tub at their families’ shared house in the Vineyard, and saw everything about Penelope that was long and graceful and gorgeous – her doe-like limbs and her stick-straight black hair and the eyelashes that framed her enormously wide brown eyes.

So she did what every good girl knows is completely wrong – for the reputation, the self-esteem, and the strategy of making him call the next day – and slept with him then and there, mere minutes after he leaned over to kiss her for the very first time. (‘I just couldn’t help it,’ she’d said a million times while retelling the story. ‘I couldn’t believe that Avery Wainwright was interested in me!’) But unlike all the other girls I knew who’d had sex within hours of meeting some guy and never heard from him again, Penelope and Avery proceeded to attach themselves to each other, and their engagement was little more than a much approved and applauded formality.

‘Are they being worse than usual?’

She sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘‘Worse than usual.’ An interesting phrase. I would’ve thought it was impossible, but yes, my mother has managed to become even more unbearable lately. Our last knock-down brawl was over whether or not you could rightfully call something a wedding dress if it wasn’t designed by Vera Wang or Carolina Herrera. I said yes. She obviously disagreed. Vehemently.’

‘Who won?’

‘I caved on that because, really, I don’t care who makes the dress as long as I like it. I figure I have to pick my battles very, very carefully, and the one I will not be compromising on is the wedding announcement.’

‘Define “wedding announcement.”’

‘Don’t make me.’ She grinned and took a swig of Dr Pepper.

‘Say it.’

‘Please, Bette, this sucks enough. Don’t make me say it.’

‘C’mon, Pen. Own up. Go on, it’ll get easier after the first time. Just say it.’ I nudged her chair with my foot and leaned in to relish the information.

She covered her perfect, pale forehead with her long, thin hands and shook her head. ‘New York Times.’

‘I knew it! Will and I will be gentle, I promise. She’s not kidding around, is she?’

‘Of course she’s not!’ Penelope wailed. ‘And naturally, Avery’s mother’s dying for it also.’

‘Oh, Pen, it’s perfect! You guys make such a cute couple, and now everyone else can see it, too!’ I cackled.

‘You should hear them, Bette, it’s hideous. Both of them are already fantasizing about all those fancy private schools they can list between them. Do you know I overheard my mother on the phone the other day with the Weddings editor, saying that she’d like to include all the siblings’ schools as well? The woman told her that they won’t even discuss it until six weeks before, but that hasn’t discouraged anyone: Avery’s mom already made an appointment for the photo shoot and has all sorts of ideas about how we can pose so that our eyebrows are level, which is one of the published suggestions. The wedding is still a year away!’

‘Yes, but these things require lots of advance planning and research.’

‘That’s what they said!’ she cried.

‘What about eloping?’ But before she could answer, Aaron made a big show of knocking on my cubicle wall and waving his arms to imitate regret at breaking up our ‘little powwow,’ as he irritatingly called our lunches.

‘Don’t mean to break up your little powwow, folks,’ he said, as both Penelope and I silently mouthed the words along with him. ‘Bette, may I have a word with you?’

‘No worries, I was just leaving,’ Penelope breathed, obviously grateful for the chance to flee without talking to Aaron. ‘Bette, we’ll talk more later.’ And before I could say anything, she was gone.

‘Saaaaaaaay, Bette?’

‘Yes, Aaron?’ He sounded so much like Lumbergh from Office Space that it would have been funny had I not been on the receiving end of his ‘suggestions.’

‘Weeeeell, I was just wondering if you had a chance to read today’s quote of the day?’ He gave a loud, phlegmy cough and raised his eyebrows at me.

‘Of course, Aaron, I have it right here. “Individual commitment to a group effort – that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.” Yeah, I have to say, that one really spoke to me.’

‘It did?’ He looked pleased. ‘That was yesterday’s, but I’m glad it had such impact.’

‘Sure. It was really appropriate. I learn a lot from all of them. Why? Is something wrong?’ I asked in my most ingratiatingly concerned tone.

‘Nothing’s wrong, per se, it’s just that I couldn’t find you for nearly ten minutes before, and while that doesn’t sound like much, I’m sure to Mrs Kaufman – who was waiting on an update – it feels like an eternity.’

‘An eternity?’

‘I just don’t think that when you’re away from your desk for such long periods of time that you can adequately be providing our clients, like Mrs Kaufman, with the kind of attention we pride ourselves on here at UBS. Just a little something to think about for next time, okay?’

‘I’m really sorry. I was just picking up lunch.’

‘I know that, Bette. But I don’t have to remind you that company policy says employees shouldn’t be taking time out to pick it up. I have a whole drawer full of delivery menus if you’d care to look at them.’

I remained silent.

‘Oh, and Bette? I’m sure Penelope’s supervisor needs her just as much as I need you, so let’s try to keep those powwows to a minimum, okay?’ He flashed me the most patronizing smile imaginable, revealing thirty-seven years’ worth of splotchy, stained teeth, and I thought I’d vomit if he didn’t stop immediately. Ever since watching Girls Just Want to Have Fun for the first time when I was twelve, I’ve never been able to get Lynne Stone’s rumination out of my mind. She’s escorting Janey home after Janey skips choir practice to rehearse with Jeff (and of course gets caught by the evil, rotating-closet-owning bitch, Natalie), and she says, ‘Whenever I’m in a room with a guy, no matter who it is – a date, my dentist, anybody – I think, “If we were the last two people on earth, would I puke if he kissed me?”’ Well, thanks to Lynne, I can’t help wondering it, either; the unfortunate outcome, though, is that I envisioned myself kissing Aaron and felt ill.

‘Okay? How does that sound?’ He shifted nervously from foot to foot and I wondered how this anxious, socially inept man had managed to climb at least three levels above me in the corporate hierarchy. I’d watched clients physically recoil when he went to shake their hands, and yet he glided up the ladder like it was lubricated in the very oil he used to slick back his few remaining strands of hair.

All I wanted was for him to disappear, but I made a crucial miscalculation. Rather than just agreeing and going back to my lunch, I said, ‘Are you unhappy with my performance, Aaron? I try really hard, but you always seem displeased.’

‘I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy with your performance, Bette. I think you’re doing, well, um, just fine around here. But we all seek to self-improve now, don’t we? As Winston Churchill once said—’

‘Just fine? That’s like describing someone as “interesting” or saying a date was “nice.” I work eighty-hour weeks, Aaron. I give my entire life to UBS.’ It was useless to try to highlight my dedication in an hours-worked formula since Aaron beat me by at least fifteen hours every single week, but it was true: I worked damn hard when I wasn’t shopping online, talking to Will on the phone, or sneaking out to meet Penelope for lunch.

‘Bette, don’t be so sensitive. With a little more willingness to learn and perhaps a bit more attention paid to your clients, I think you’ve got the potential to get promoted. Just keep the powwows to a minimum and really throw your heart into your work and the results will be immeasurable.’

I watched the spittle form on his thin lips as he mouthed his favorite phrase, and something inside me snapped. There was no angel on one shoulder or devil on the other, no mental list of pros and cons or quick scans of potential consequences, ramifications, or backup plans. No solid thoughts of any sort whatsoever – just an all-pervasive sense of calm and determination, coupled with a deep understanding that I simply could not tolerate one additional second of the present situation.

‘All right, Aaron. No more powwows for me – ever. I quit.’

He looked confused for a minute before he realized I was completely serious. ‘You what?’