Talk to the Hand

Talk to the Hand
Lynne Truss

A battle-cry for civilised behaviour from the author of the multi-million selling Eats, Shoots and Leaves."Talk to the hand 'cause the face ain't listening," the saying goes. When did the world get to be so rude? When did society become so inconsiderate? It's a topic that has been simmering for years, and Lynne Truss says that it has now reached boiling point. Taking on the boorish behaviour that has become a point of pride for some, Talk to the Hand is a rallying cry for courtesy. Like Eats, Shoots and Leaves, Talk to the Hand is a spirited conversation, not a stuffy guidebook. It is not about forks, for a start.Why hasn't your nephew ever thanked you for that perfect Christmas present? What makes your builder think he can treat you like dirt in your own home? When you phone a utility with a complaint (and have negotiated the switchboard), why can't you ever speak to a person who is authorised to apologise? What accounts for the appalling treatment you receive in shops? Most important, what will it take to roll back a culture that applauds rudeness and finds it so amusing? For anyone who's fed up with the brutality inflicted by modern manners (and is naturally too scared to confront the actual yobs), Talk to the Hand is a colourful call to arms from the wittiest defender of the civilised world.

Talk to the Hand

Lynne Truss

Other people are quite dreadful. The only possible society is oneself. Oscar Wilde

An apology is a gesture through which an individual splits himself into two parts: the part that is guilty of the offence, and the part that dissociates itself from the delict and affirms a belief in the offended rule. Erving Goffman

Fuck off, Norway.

Paul Gascoigne, on being asked if he had a message for the people of Norway

Table of Contents

Cover Page (#u2d338040-08a8-5e22-b329-54bab9ba1cfa)

Title Page (#ufbc7ab4a-3801-5b73-a5c7-d596851cd76d)

Dedication (#u5045047e-e0ae-5ac1-b5d2-d87ffbf23017)

Author’s note (#u77da2be5-bb2a-5b3c-b81e-0aca7401e1d1)

Introduction: When Push Comes to Shove (#u3a3fa447-228d-5995-b745-f32339582b34)

THE FIRST GOOD REASON Was That So Hard to Say? (#ua1913477-c8c8-5ce6-84e9-9c411edad865)

THE SECOND GOOD REASON Why am I the One Doing This? (#litres_trial_promo)

THE THIRD GOOD REASON My Bubble, My Rules (#litres_trial_promo)

THE FOURTH GOOD REASON The Universal Eff-Off Reflex (#litres_trial_promo)

THE FIFTH GOOD REASON Booing the Judges (#litres_trial_promo)

THE SIXTH GOOD REASON Someone Else Will Clean It Up (#litres_trial_promo)

Conclusion: Talk to the Hand (#litres_trial_promo)

Bibliography (#litres_trial_promo)

Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)

Praise (#litres_trial_promo)

By the same author: (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

Author’s note (#ulink_d82294e0-f73b-546f-9728-75893af29021)

The author apologises for the high incidence of the word “Eff” in this book. It is, sadly, unavoidable in a discussion of rudeness in modern life. Variants such as Effing, mother-Effing, and what the Eff? positively litter the text.

If you don’t Effing like it, you know what you can Effing do. (That’s a joke.)

Introduction: When Push Comes to Shove (#ulink_f4055e0f-064a-5b4f-a90a-95046be75074)

If you want a short-cut to an alien culture these days, there is no quicker route than to look at a French phrase book. Not because the language is different, but because the first lesson you will find there usually takes place in a shop.

“Good morning, madam.”

“Good morning, sir.”

“How may I help you?”

“I would like some tomatoes/eggs/postage stamps please.”

“Of course. How many tomatoes/eggs/postage stamps would you like?”

“Seven/five/twelve, thank you.”

“That will be six/four/two Euros. Do you have the exact money?”

“I do.”

“Thank you, madam.”

“Thank you, sir. Good day!”

“Good day!”

Now the amazing thing is, this formal and civil exchange actually represents what happens in French shops. French shopkeepers really say good morning and goodbye; they answer questions; they wrap things ever so nicely; and when it’s all over, they wave you off like a near relation. There is none of the dumb, resentful shrugging we English shoppers have become so accustomed to. Imagine an English phrase book for French visitors, based on the same degree of verisimilitude – let’s call it “Dans le magasin”.

“Excuse me, do you work here?”

“What?”

“I said, excuse me, do you work here?”

“Not if I can help it, har, har, har.”

“Do you have any tomatoes/eggs/postage stamps?”