A Winter’s Wish Come True

‘I’m absolutely terrified,’ I admit. ‘I didn’t plan on having kids so soon, and I definitely didn’t plan on being a single mum. Emma, I … What if I mess it all up? What if I can’t do it? The kid could grow up absolutely hating me because I was a terrible mum! I don’t want that to happen.’

Out of nowhere, I burst into tears. Huge, wailing sobs burst from my chest and I throw my head into my hands. I start to realise how utterly ridiculous this whole situation is, and start laughing instead. My sobs mix with my giggles to form strange sort of hiccupping sounds.

‘Are you OK?’ Emma asks, trying to keep her own laughter to herself. ‘You sound like a cat being strangled or something!’

I lift my head up and wipe the tears from my eyes as my breathing returns to normal. ‘I’m not OK, Emma. But I think I will be, eventually; I just need to get my head around the fact I’m having a bloody baby with my ex-boyfriend. This is definitely not how I saw things playing out, that night at the George Hotel. Do you remember when I did that speech at my high school reunion and Scott walked in?’

She nods, a wistful smile playing on her lips. ‘Oh, I remember; I was the one who posted some of it online so he’d see you kicking ass! You two might work things out though, you never know. How did he take the baby news?’

I screw my eyes shut and tell her about our confrontation in the café. How he’d asked if the baby was his, how he’d initially thought he’d been invited for a getting back together chat, and how shocked he’d been when the word ‘pregnant’ had been mentioned.

‘Must’ve been quite a shock for him,’ Emma says. ‘He thought you wanted to get back together with him, next minute he finds out he’s going to be a dad! I think he’ll come through for you, you know. He’s not a bad guy, Cleo.’

Her final words sting and make my insides twist into knots, mostly because I know she’s right.

‘You’re right,’ I choke out. ‘He’s not a bad bloke. I just … I can’t get past the fact he left me. Why did he do it, Emma? Was it me, was I not enough? Or did he just make a mistake? If I let him back in, he could decide he wants to leave me again. Only this time, he’d be leaving our baby too.’

Emma reaches over and squeezes my hand. ‘I don’t know why he did it, but I do know this: you are more than enough and you always will be. And no matter what happens between you and Scott, you’ll be an amazing mum. Whether he stays or leaves again, nothing will change that. Think of everything you’ve achieved so far: two years ago, you made a bucket list and now you’ve ticked so many items off! How many people can say they’ve done that? You swam in a tank with sharks, Cleo. Having a baby will just be another huge adventure. And I’ll be the best fairy godmother in the whole world.’

Emma switches the TV on and settles on one of our favourite trashy reality shows. I look down at my stomach again; it’s amazing that there’s so much going on inside me right now, yet no one could visibly tell. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a dark forest, the path through it shrouded in a thick fog. I have no idea what the next few months are going to bring and I’m petrified.

The only thing I can do is take it one day at a time.

*

I’ve always hated doctors’ surgeries.

The smell, the eerie silence and the selection of ten-year-old magazines are bad enough, but what really gets to me is the impending sense of doom as you wait for the doctor. Even if you know you’re just going for a routine check-up, there’s always that niggling worry that you’re about to be told you have some rare disease with no known cure.

I’m here on my own today. I was lucky to get a cancellation when I phoned up earlier, and Emma was already at work so she couldn’t come. She offered to tell her boss she was ill, but I said no. She’s already done more than enough for me, after all. I’ve texted Scott to let him know I have a doctor’s appointment, but he hasn’t replied. I’m guessing he’s still angry with me after our argument in the café.

So here I am, waiting to see the doctor and secretly expecting to be told some devastating news when I go in. Sitting opposite me is a very tired-looking mum, trying to contain her very excited toddler. He seems intent on running around the waiting room making aeroplane noises, while she tries to tempt him to sit down with various books and toys.

I chuckle as she tries and fails to lift him onto the squishy brown seat. She looks up and flashes me a weary smile.

‘There’s no tiring him out,’ she says, rubbing her tired eyes. ‘I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in three years!’

A feeling of panic runs through me; is this what motherhood is really like? No sleep and trying to entertain a kid intent on pretending to be various modes of transport?

‘He’s … full of beans!’ I reply with a nervous chuckle. ‘What’s his name?’

‘Max.’ The woman manages to scoop her son up into her arms as he giggles into her neck. ‘He’s a handful sometimes, but I wouldn’t be without him now. We’re here because I’ve just found out he’s going to have a little brother or sister next year!’

‘Oh congratulations!’ I say, feeling my anxiety ease off a little. ‘I’ve … actually just found out I’m pregnant too. My first.’

I give my stomach a fond pat and my waiting room buddy smiles, finally succeeding in getting Max interested in a book about giraffes.

‘Congratulations,’ she replies. ‘It’s a huge adventure, although it’s pretty scary to start off with. When I found out I was pregnant with Max, my first thought was “oh my god, how am I going to look after this tiny person?” But after he was born, maternal instinct just kind of kicked in. It was hard at first, but after a while everything becomes second nature. I’m Eve, by the way.’

‘Nice to meet you, Eve; I’m Cleo.’ I smile and reach over to shake her hand.

‘Is anyone coming to your appointment with you?’

She gazes around the waiting room, looking for anyone I might’ve arrived with. My heart sinks a little as I realise I’m about to do something so huge by myself. It’s definitely not how I saw things happening.

‘Um … no,’ I reply with a sad smile. ‘No, I’m on my own today.’

Eve’s smile fades. ‘Oh no, I’m sorry. It can be a little bit daunting coming to these things by yourself. My partner Paul’s at work today, which is why I’ve got Max tagging along with me!’

I swallow the lump in my throat and do my best to hold myself together. I can’t help but feel a teeny bit envious that Eve has a loving partner to support her through her pregnancy. I have a fantastic support unit of my own of course, but I can’t help wishing I had someone to go on the journey with me.

‘It’s … erm … it’s complicated,’ I say, knowing that’ll probably raise a lot more questions. ‘Everything’s fine though; I’ve got my mum and my best friend. They just can’t be here today.’

A set of footsteps to my right distracts my focus from the conversation. I turn to see who they belong to, and my heart leaps into my mouth within seconds.

Scott.

‘I’m not too late, am I?’ he says, running a hand through his hair.

I stand up, without really knowing why, and all the other patients turn to look at me. Fab, I say to myself, I’ve turned the doctor’s waiting room into an episode of Days of Our Lives. All we need now is Doctor Drake Ramoray to make an appearance.

‘Um … no, you’re not too late,’ I say, sweeping some hair away from my face. ‘You got my text then?’

He nods and takes a few steps towards me. ‘I was quite surprised to hear from you, to be honest. I didn’t think you’d want me here after what happened when we last saw each other.’

I look into his huge brown eyes and feel my heart skip a beat. I curse myself for still reacting to him – not exactly ideal when we’ve split up.

‘This is your baby too, Scott. I didn’t want you to miss the first doctor’s appointment.’ I pause for a second before continuing. ‘I’m … I’m glad you’re here.’

We exchange weak smiles, before Doctor Maxwell steps into the waiting room.

‘Cleopatra Jones?’ she says, looking around the room for me.

I cringe at hearing my full name and hear Scott give a soft chuckle; he knows how much I hate it.

‘That’s me,’ I say, stepping forward. ‘And it’s just Cleo.’

‘No problem. Are you ready to come through?’ Doctor Maxwell asks.

Scott and I look at each other for a moment. We don’t need words to communicate how we’re feeling, our fear is written all over our faces.

‘Yes,’ I reply. ‘We’re ready.’

*

The doctor’s appointment goes a lot better than I expected, even if it became a bit intrusive at times. I take the opportunity to ask lots of questions, including whether my previous experience with an eating disorder will affect the baby at all.

‘If you feel like you’d benefit from support and counselling through your pregnancy, we can arrange that for you,’ Doctor Maxwell explains.