The Baby Sleep Book: How to help your baby to sleep and have a restful night

To give everyone more space, put a twin bed next to your queen- or king-size bed.

Take bed sprawling as a sign that it’s time to start transitioning baby to his own bed. Dad may be right! (See chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo), “Moving Out (#litres_trial_promo)!”)

Fear of monsters

Our three-year-old wakes up yelling about the “monsters” in his room. I try to tell him there really aren’t any monsters and that Daddy has chased the monsters away. Is this the best way to deal with this? I don’t want him to believe that there really are monsters in his room.

Children’s dreams distort reality, and young children have difficulty knowing what’s real and what’s pretend. Therefore, if they see a monster in their dream, they may believe that the monster is real. There are two schools of thought on monsters and other imaginary creatures. The usual suggestion is to play along and just get rid of the monsters. Or, try to teach your child that monsters are fun and friendly. When your child wakes up frightened about them, you search the bedroom and say things like “no monsters anymore”, “monsters went bye-bye”, “Daddy scared the monsters away”. If he worries at bedtime, you can make a show of ordering the monsters out of the bedroom and reassure your child that they’re not coming back. While we are sceptical of this approach, for some children it does work. The problem is, it’s not true. When you chase monsters away, you’re reinforcing the child’s concern about monsters, and since you say those monsters are indeed real, they can come back.

Here’s a better alternative: tell your child the truth. Monsters don’t exist. They are pretend. If your child is going through a “seeing-monsters-in-his-sleep” stage, avoid scary TV or cartoons that could be distorted into monsters in his dreams. Your child trusts you. If you say there are no monsters, he will believe you. You might also talk about other things besides monsters that are only pretend, to help your child learn to tell the difference between what’s real (a family pet, elephants at the zoo) and what’s not (characters in cartoons, such as Monsters Inc., animals in story books who talk).

Nighttime anxiety

Our three-year-old had been sleeping well on his own for a few months, but now he’s waking up and coming into our room at night. He seems really upset. How can I help him get back to sleeping through the night in his own room?

Realize your child has a need. He is growing and developing, and new fears and worries are going to come along. Sometimes they will disturb his sleep, and you are right in thinking that he needs your help to cope with his nighttime anxiety.

Why is your child suddenly feeling insecure about nighttime? There are many possible reasons. Here are just a few:

Imagination. As kids get older they develop the mental ability to imagine that there is a monster in the closet, a giant hand under the bed (that was Dr Bob’s fear as a child), or something looming in the darkness outside. They don’t necessarily have to see these things first on TV or hear about them in stories. Kids can create these fears all on their own.

Separation anxiety. This occurs not only around nine months of age, it can also show up again between age 2 and 3. Your happy sleeper becomes anxious because you are not there. Your child needs your physical presence as reassurance that he is safe because you aren’t going anywhere.

Life changes. Changes in a child’s life, such as starting preschool nursery or childcare, moving, or having a younger sibling can trigger some temporary nighttime anxiety. Changes in the family’s life, such as in a parent’s work schedule, can also affect how well a child sleeps.

Here are some ideas you can try to help your child learn to sleep through the night again:

what’s on your child’s mind?

Do you think that your awake-at-night child is purposefully trying to manipulate you? Do you think he is lying in bed thinking, “Hmmm. I know Mum and Dad are having a relaxing evening. How can I disrupt them? I know, I’ll get up and go ask for a drink of water. I know they hate that!” If your child is really thinking like that at the age of three, then good luck. But we really don’t think kids are that devious (well, not until they are older).

When your child gets out of bed at night to come find you, you may be tempted to send him back to his own bed with firm orders to stay there. Instead, put yourself into the mind of your child as he crawls back into his own bed, wide awake, and lies there, staring at the wall. “I’m afraid, and my Mummy won’t help me”, he thinks. Or, “I wish my Daddy was here with me.” Remember that a child’s needs are not always rational from an adult’s point of view.

I don’t want her nighttime memories filled with her screaming from her cot. I don’t want my memories filled with hearing her scream from her cot.

Talk it out during the day. Sit your child down in the afternoon and tell him that you want to help him with his nighttime worries. Decide on a plan together. Perhaps you will go back to his bed with him when he wakes up, and lie down with him until he falls asleep again. Maybe you will decide to put a mattress or a comforter on the floor in your room, where he can sleep if he gets scared during the night. Maybe you and your child will come up with another idea.

Act quickly at night. When your child wakes up in the night and comes into your room, don’t get into a debate with him about going back to his own bed. Just do what you planned to do. Take him back to his room and fall asleep together in his bed. Or, get him settled in his little bed in your room. Or let him climb in bed with you. The object here is to get everyone back to sleep without feeding your child’s nighttime fears.

Enjoy a peaceful day with active play. As we have said before, minimizing the stress in your child’s daytime life will minimize nighttime problems. If the daytime stress is unavoidable, be prepared to live with a few sleep problems until things settle down. Encourage your child to run, jump, and be active during the day. This tires him out, and it also alleviates tension and anxiety.

Wean him back to sleeping alone. As your child starts to feel more secure at night, you can begin to work on getting him back to sleeping alone. He may decide that if he wakes up he will join you in his special bed in your room without waking you. Or you can take him back to his bed, staying with him just until he’s nearly asleep. Tell him “I’ll be back in a minute to check on you”, and then be sure to come back.

Dim the lighting. Too much light may keep your child awake, but a nightlight may keep him from being afraid when he wakes up alone in the dark. Keeping the hall light on with the door open is another good option.

why nighttime parenting matters (#ulink_b6d2f9df-2e82-5a0f-b5b1-f5f9bb6f5b9b)

Long-term nighttime stress can lead to long-term sleep insecurities that can create daytime insecurities and problems with self-confidence. That’s a mouthful, but we want you to understand it. Picture the following two scenarios:

Alex is four years old and had been sleeping well in his own room. Bedtime was a relaxing routine of stories, hugs and kisses, and sweet dreams. Until tonight. When his Dad tries to put him to bed, he protests that he wants his Dad to stay with him. When Dad says no, Alex asks for an extra hug and kiss, a longer story, tucking in the covers better, or whatever else he can think of to keep Dad around for an extra minute or two. Dad leaves his room, and Alex starts getting out of bed every five minutes to ask for a drink of water, to find out what his parents are watching on TV, to ask what he’s doing tomorrow, or to complain that he’s hungry. His parents send him directly back to bed, alone. On subsequent nights, Alex’s tactics escalate into complaints of tummy aches and headaches. He takes a long time to fall asleep and doesn’t seem quite as happy and secure in the daytime anymore. He even starts wetting the bed (something he’d never done before). This goes on for years, and as he grows through childhood he feels that bedtime is a time of loss and separation.

Now let’s meet the same child, but with different parental responses.

Alex is four years old and had been sleeping well in his own room. Bedtime was a fun routine of stories, hugs and kisses, and sweet dreams. Until tonight. When his Dad tries to put him to bed, he protests that he wants his Dad to stay with him. His Dad gives him an extra long hug, stays in the room for a few minutes pretending like he’s putting some clothes away, lingers in the hallway busily, then tells Alex goodnight (kiss, hug, and tuck again), and leaves. Alex is asleep in two minutes. He just needed a little extra something that particular night, and his Dad gave it to him.

Dad discusses this situation with Mum. While they want to keep their early bedtime routine with Alex (they like their evenings uninterrupted, and don’t want to have to waste an extra hour every night trying to cater to their child’s bedtime fears), they also have been sensitive to his changing needs over the years. They didn’t push it when he needed some time getting used to starting preschool. They didn’t leave him crying with a babysitter, but took the time to help him feel comfortable and playful. They’ve yet to go on a holiday without him. Now they realize that their child is trying to tell them he is feeling anxious about being away from them at night. They understand that if they fulfil his needs now for the short term, they won’t turn into long-term unfulfilled needs that will leave him feeling insecure over the years. They also know that if they meet those needs without Alex continuously having to ask (or protest), his needs should diminish faster. Plus, everyone will be happier.

So the next night when Alex protests when Dad turns to leave the room, Dad sits on Alex’s bed and says “I don’t mind staying with you for a little while. You rest your eyes, and I’ll sit by the bed here for a few minutes.” Dad winds up spending the next three weeks lingering in Alex’s room or the nearby hallway at bedtime. Sometimes he folds laundry while waiting for Alex to fall asleep. He sits in the chair and uses a tiny clamp-on book light to read without turning on the overhead light. He doesn’t interact much with Alex, he’s just there. Sometimes he tells Alex that he needs to go in the other room, but he will be back to check on him in a few minutes. He putters around, making just enough noise for Alex to know he is close by. It is a very slow weaning process that, while time-consuming, really pays off in the long run. Eventually Alex returns to his former easy-to-sleep routine, and his parents get their evenings back.

Bedtime was always a drawn-out affair in our family. The routine took forty-five minutes to an hour, especially with my oldest son, who has always been very tuned in to what’s going on around him. Now, many years later, everybody goes to bed on their own. My three children are expert sleepers who rarely have trouble falling asleep at night. I’m the one who needs to stop at my kids’ bedroom doors to chat for a few minutes and connect with them before I can fall asleep.

chapter 3 (#ulink_a31f3066-091e-55e0-93ed-51ae54c7c104)

the facts about infant sleep and what they mean for parents (#ulink_a31f3066-091e-55e0-93ed-51ae54c7c104)

The steps and tips on how to get your infant and toddler to sleep that we shared with you in the first two chapters of this book are based on general principles about how babies and toddlers sleep. When you know why babies do the things they do, it is easier to work out how to respond.

Learning more about how babies sleep and why they wake up during the night will help you understand the nighttime parenting strategies we suggest in this book. It will also help you bring a helpful attitude to caring for your baby’s nighttime needs.

learn the facts of infant sleep (#ulink_e977da6d-e186-5112-a480-a5d03cbce1c9)

Read all about it! We want you to understand why babies sleep the way they do – or don’t. First, here are some general facts about sleep.

How adults sleep. There are two main states of sleep – REM (rapid-eye-movement sleep) and non-REM. The term “falling” asleep is biologically correct. As you drift off to sleep, you enter non-REM sleep, and over the next hour and a half you descend through the levels of this sleep state until you are at level four, the deepest level of sleep. You may even sleep through a phone ringing, or here in California, through earthquakes. If you are awakened from this deepest level of non-REM sleep – say, by a persistently crying baby, you are more likely to be disoriented and grouchy than when you are awakened from lighter levels of sleep.

After the first 90 minutes of gradually descending into non-REM sleep, your brain begins to arouse and move into a lighter and more active kind of sleep, the state of REM sleep. During REM sleep the brain is quite active (it’s when you dream), although the rest of your body is usually relaxed and relatively quiet. You experience rapid eye movement even though your eyes are closed (hence the term REM sleep), and men can get erections. During REM sleep, facial muscles may twitch, producing “sleep grins”. It’s fun to watch for this in babies. Since this is the lightest stage of sleep, it is easiest to waken out of REM sleep.

Adults cycle through REM and non-REM sleep approximately every 90 minutes. Early in the night the periods of non-REM sleep may last as long as 60 minutes, and REM periods may last from 10 to 30 minutes. Toward morning the proportions of non-REM and REM reverse, so that much of early-morning sleep is REM. The length and pattern of these sleep cycles varies greatly between individuals and at different ages. However, during an average eight-hour sleep adults may spend two hours in REM, or active (light) sleep, and six hours in non-REM, or quiet (deep) sleep.

Both of these states of sleep are important for a person’s overall well-being. Non-REM, or deep sleep, is necessary to help the body rest and recuperate. It is known as the restorative state of sleep. REM sleep is necessary for brain development. Understanding these sleep cycles explains why human babies awaken so easily and why it may not be wise to fiddle around too much with babies’ natural sleep cycles.

How babies sleep. Why do babies wake up so much? This is probably the question new parents ask most. The simple answer: because they’re babies. Babies sleep differently from adults.

Babies go to sleep differently. Infants take longer (at least 20 minutes) to drift off and enter deep sleep. On the other hand, adults and older children “crash” into deep sleep, drifting into non-REM sleep in just a few minutes. The younger the infant, the longer it takes him to drift into deep sleep.

What does this sleep fact mean to parents? Babies awaken easily during this drifting off period. Parents don’t have to be sleep scientists to figure this out. Many parents describe their baby as “difficult-to-settle”, or they say “she has to be fully asleep before I can put her down”. Many parents have had the experience where they think their baby is asleep, so they gently carry her to her cot and lay her down – but she wakes up as soon as Mum or Dad turns to tiptoe out of the room. Baby is not truly asleep until he arrives in the state of deep sleep, 20 to 30 minutes after closing his eyes. Trying to hasten the bedtime routine can leave parents very frustrated.

You can see why the advice from sleep trainers to “put babies down in their cots awake” doesn’t work, especially for babies less than three months old. Babies need to be gentled through this first period of REM sleep, so that they can stay asleep until deeper sleep overtakes them. Between three and six months babies begin to drift more quickly into non-REM sleep. They can be put down awake, or partially awake, and they will enter deep sleep fairly quickly.

Bottom line: babies need to be patiently parented to sleep, not just put to sleep.

Babies stay asleep differently. While adults cycle from deep to light sleep approximately every hour and a half, infants move through these states every hour. The younger the infant, the shorter the sleep cycle. What does this mean for parents? When passing from one state of sleep to another, the brain is more likely to awaken than at other times. We call this the “vulnerable period”. If by chance an arousal stimulus (teething pain, loud noise, hunger, separation anxiety, and so on) bothers baby during this vulnerable period, baby is likely to awaken. Because babies have shorter sleep cycles, they have more vulnerable periods – more times during the night when they are likely to wake up. In addition, babies spend more time in REM (light) sleep in the second half of the night. This explains why babies often wake up more during that time.

Bottom line: minimize arousal stimuli during vulnerable periods for night waking.

As babies grow, their sleep cycles lengthen and the percentage of deep sleep increases. There are fewer vulnerable periods during the night when they can awaken easily. They also sleep more deeply and they stay asleep longer – a sleep maturity milestone called settling. The age at which babies settle varies greatly according to the sleep temperament of the baby. The good news is that all babies eventually settle.

Babies’ developing sleep patterns are much like their changing feeding patterns. In the early months babies take small, frequent feedings and short, frequent naps. About fifty per cent of the total sleep of a newborn is REM sleep. This percentage is even higher in premature infants. As you can see from the graph below, as babies grow, they learn to sleep and feed more like adults. These five things happen: