The Baby Sleep Book: How to help your baby to sleep and have a restful night

Children should have pleasant memories of how they were parented to sleep.

Children need to develop a pleasant attitude toward falling asleep and staying asleep. We believe that your child’s ability to sleep well in the future depends on his having happy, stress-free, positive experiences at bedtime when he is young. Eventually, these positive experiences will translate into sleep independence – the ability to fall asleep and back to sleep on his own. And all these good sleep experiences will help your child grow up to be a happier, less stressed, and healthier person.

Many well-meaning parents push their kids into sleep independence too soon. After a long day at work and caring for the kids, parents need a break and want the evening for themselves. Between the ages of one and four their whole goal at bedtime is for a child to fall asleep on his own, and do so quickly and quietly. When this is achieved, parents feel they have finally succeeded in creating a “good sleeper”.

But what if a child isn’t quite ready for this? What happens when a child grows up feeling that bedtime is a time when she is forced to stay in a darkened room alone and told to be quiet and go to sleep? This is a child who will procrastinate because she fears or resents the isolation at bedtime. She will make up all kinds of reasons why she wants Mum or Dad’s attention at bedtime. She will get up to come and find you because she’s thirsty or there’s a monster under the bed. She will ask you to leave the light on or the door open. She will use every stalling tactic she can think of when what she really means is she just wants you. This is a child who is more likely to grow up with a fear of bedtime, of the dark, and of being alone. She may feel anxious and insecure, because her parents have pushed her into nighttime independence before she was truly ready. Imagine how you, as an adult, would feel if you went to bed every night feeling stressed, scared, and unfulfilled. There is one more ingredient that parents often add to this bedtime picture without realizing it – anger or hostility. We use phrases like “Get back to bed”, “If you get out of bed one more time …” “Stop your whining and go to sleep.” Even if there is no anger in your voice, these negative phrases night after night over the years add up to a child who resents and fears bedtime.

Ask yourself: are you willing to put in some time now to help your kids achieve the long-term goal of a healthy attitude about sleep and a trusting, secure attitude toward life?

Remember what we said about keeping the long-term goal in mind when you are making short-term decisions about parenting? While most of what is in this chapter assumes that you are going to be close by while your toddler drifts off to sleep, one of your long-term goals is a child who goes to sleep happily on his own. So, keep in mind that while you are parenting, not just putting your toddler to sleep, you are also teaching him skills and attitudes that he will someday use to help himself fall asleep without you there. As he is ready, you are encouraging him to use these skills. No, you are not a victim of childish manipulation. When you rub a child’s back at bedtime to help her relax or soothe a tearful toddler with quiet talking in the middle of the night, you are modelling self-help skills. When your child is ready to cope with these challenges on his own, he will call up images of the good feelings he had while falling asleep in your presence. And bingo, he’ll fall asleep.

easing your toddler off to dreamland – fifteen tips (#ulink_8094ccbc-3442-5b52-8e57-d8aa64515d36)

We’ll begin with fifteen tips that apply to nearly all toddlers. These are practical strategies aimed at 1) getting little ones off to dreamland and 2) teaching them a healthy attitude toward sleep. The second half of this chapter turns the spotlight (or a very dim nightlight – don’t want to wake the kids) on common toddler sleep concerns – and solutions – that tired parents have shared with us.

One night my daughter called out “Mummy, I need you!” I went straight away to her room, fed her, and she sleepily said, “Thank you, Mummy” and drifted off to sleep. I thank God that she knows we are here for her and that she uses us when she needs us. I hope that this will be a lifelong pattern, not just in sleep, but with her everyday life.

1. Tire out your toddler

Encourage your child to be active during the day. The more physical activity that children – and adults – get during the day, the better they sleep at night. Babies who are not yet walking can be encouraged to play on the floor, cruise and crawl. Take your toddler to the park and run, jump, and bounce on the playground equipment. Toddlers get their exercise in bursts of activity. They don’t take long walks or set out to jog three miles as adults do. They take frequent rest stops during active play, but they don’t mind being active much of the day. Toddlers should not be plugged in for more than a half-hour a day playing video games or watching television.

Sears’ Sleep Tip: Kids who are couch potatoes by day tend to sleep less at night.

2. Set consistent bedtimes

Infants and toddlers generally go to bed “too late”. Or they go to bed at different times every night. Modern families’ busy daytime lifestyles encourage this “whenever” approach to bedtime. Unless your family’s lifestyle allows for your toddler to sleep later in the morning, try to set an early and consistent bedtime for your little one. Even if a later bedtime is what works best in your family, try to be consistent about when your child goes to bed. By putting kids to bed at the same time night after night you are programming their internal sleep clock to fall asleep easily at this set time.

3. Set the stage

Toddlers and preschoolers are not going to go to bed willingly if there is a lot of activity going on in your household. They don’t like to miss out. When it’s time for your toddler to go to bed, turn down the lights all over the house, turn off the television (you can record what you’re missing), and channel older children’s energy into quiet activities. As you turn down the household activity level, let your child know that bedtime is coming. Set the kitchen timer for 10 or 15 minutes and tell your child that when the timer goes off, it’s bedtime. Or use an egg timer and say, “When all the sand hits the bottom, it’s time to start getting ready for bed”. Kids are less likely to argue with a timer than with a parent.

nighttime props for tots

While a mother’s breast, a father’s arms, and a familiar voice singing a lullaby will always be your child’s favourite sleep inducers, there are times when parents need some reinforcement. Try these:

An aquarium. The bubbles, the graceful fish, the hum of the heater, the lights and shadows – the slowly changing patterns all built into this cute container are mesmerizing. They will calm toddlers and eventually bore them to sleep.

White noise machines. A favourite of adults, these bedside sound machines allow you to choose various monotonous sounds, such as a bubbling brook, ocean waves, rainfall, and melodious chants, that soothe young and old into sleep. (See “More Sounds to Sleep By”, page).

An air filter. A HEPA air filter not only rids the bedroom air of dust, allergens, and other nose stuffing and night waking irritants, but also produces white noise that blocks out other sounds that may awaken a light sleeper.

A dimmer switch. Gradually dimming the lights will help ease your toddler into sleep. See if you can find a dimmer that can be operated with a remote control. Or put a dimmer on the reading lamp next to the bed.

4. Enjoy a variety of bedtime rituals

Bedtime rituals are all the things you do consistently, every night, starting a half hour to an hour before tired time. Bedtime rituals help the busy toddler wind down and make the transition from an exciting and active evening to the quietness and relative boredom of sleep.

You can’t force a child to sleep, but you can create a quiet, soothing environment that allows sleep to overcome the child. Avoid stimulating activities, such as wrestling or running around the house for a while before bedtime. Save exciting activities that rev up a child’s mind and body for late afternoon. Children need a buffer zone between a busy day and bedtime. Quiet activities and a regular bedtime routine can help kids make the transition from awake time to sleepy time.

Bedtime routines don’t have to be exactly the same from night to night. Toddlers enjoy novelty. Bedtime with Mum may be different from bedtime with Dad, but that’s good.

Even children who are very tired may not be willing to give up and go to bed. They don’t want to be separated from you or miss anything interesting. This is why bedtime rituals need to be creative and include quality time with parents. Bedtime routines should be interesting and special, even as they wind children down from an active day.

Ritual tips. Different babies enjoy different rituals at different ages. Be flexible. What works one month may not necessarily work the next. Here are some tried and true favourites:

The Bedtime B’s: bath, bottle or breastfeeding, backrub, book, and clean bottom (if bath time revs up your child, bathe her during the day).

Strolling through the house with baby in a sling (see “wearing down”, page).

Reading a poem or singing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”.

Saying goodnight to everyone: toddlers love long goodnight lists: “Good night, toys, good night, pets, good night, Mummy, good night, Granddaddy”, etc.

The bath and favourite, calming book combination.

Back rubs. Give your child a massage and gradually lighten your touch as your child drifts off to sleep. Or “plant a garden” on your child’s back using different touches for the different kinds of seeds your child asks to plant. Gradually lighten your strokes as you smooth out the soil.

Listen to music and hum or sing along. Choose quiet, gentle songs, not get-up-and-dance-along music. You may find that playing or singing one special song becomes part of your settling-down-to-sleep routine.

Your child may fall asleep more easily if there is quiet background activity in the household instead of complete quiet. A little bit of noise reassures her that you are close by.

Feeding to sleep – a perennial favourite.

I’d save all my phone calls and return them when I knew my toddler was ready for sleep. Toddlers always want to feed when you’re on the phone, so take advantage of that and let the quiet ebb and flow of your voice lull baby right to sleep.

Signing off. The bedtime ritual that worked best for us with our toddler, Matthew, who had a hard time winding down and leaving the excitement of daytime activities, was one we called “signing off”. When it was near his bedtime, we made the rounds: “Say night-night to the toys, night-night to Mummy, night-night to Princess (the cat), night-night to Honey Bee (the dog).” As we walked upstairs, we said night-night to the relatives in the photos on the wall, and night-night to whatever else we encountered between the family room and the bedroom. When we finally arrived in the bedroom, we completed the wind-down ritual by saying night-night to the toys and pictures on the wall. This slow signing off seems to help children who are so engrossed in their play that they have a hard time transitioning into bedtime.

The fish story. When Matthew was three, an evening of exciting activity often meant that he would have a hard time falling asleep. So after he had climbed in bed, I would tell him a “fish story”. It was not an exciting tale about the one that got away. Instead, it went like this: “When I was a young boy, I used to go fishing … and I would catch one fish, two fish, three fish …” With each fish my voice got lower and slower. Some nights it was a ten-fish story, other nights I caught twenty fish before Matthew was peacefully asleep. Basically, I was boring him to sleep.

Before bed prayers. Nighttime prayers are a way to share your faith with your child. We have always felt that the words children hear as they drift off to sleep are imprinted more deeply in their minds than words spoken during the day. You can say the same prayer every night, either a traditional child’s prayer or one you make up in your family, or use a basic prayer with variations based on the child’s day (“Thank you, God, for …”) This prayer is likely to stay in your child’s memory for the rest of his life.

5. Respond to sleepy signs

Throughout this book, we have urged you to respond to signs that your baby is tired. Toddlers, like babies, go to sleep more easily when they are feeling sleepy. Watch for signs that your child is tired and ready to wind down and go to sleep:

Activity slows, lies on floor, rubs eyes, yawns (younger toddler)

Activity picks up – to fend off the send off (older, wiser toddler)

Picks up cuddly and ambles toward bedroom (fairy tale toddler)

If you wait to start your ritual until after tired signs begin, you’ll miss this window of opportunity. For some toddlers, preparations for going to sleep can wind them up. If you wait until he’s tired to start getting ready for bed, he may be all charged up again by the time he’s clean, dry, and in pyjamas. Bathe him, brush his teeth, put his pyjamas on and get him all ready for bed before the usual time the drowsy signs occur. Let your child become drowsy while you do the quiet part of your ritual like stories, massages, and snuggling.

Rather than do the whole ritual thing, we simply did quiet things until our toddler gave off tired signals. If she wasn’t in pyjamas, no big deal. I’d feed her to sleep and that was it. As long as clothes are clean and comfortable anything can be “pyjamas”. Tooth brushing can be whenever, too. And if you get caught by tired time and the clothes are dirty, change them once baby is out. Do the main thing, feed off to sleep when the window opens or it will close while you’re fiddling around with toothbrushes and outfits.

6. Enjoy bedtime stories

A story tops off the day, like dessert at the end of a meal. Reading to your child is an important part of nighttime parenting, one that most parents enjoy most of the time. (There may be one or two stories that your child absolutely loves that you might get a little tired of.) If you treasure the time you spend reading bedtime stories, you will radiate patience and relaxation as you read them. If your child senses you are tense and just trying to get to the last page (or trying to actually skip pages), she won’t fall asleep as quickly. Here’s how to get the most out of books for babies: