The Baby Sleep Book: How to help your baby to sleep and have a restful night

In developing our sleep plan, we asked mothers of frequent night wakers, “For your next baby, what will you do differently?” The following answer, from our daughter Hayden (formerly the star of our Fussy Baby book and now a new mother), is representative of what many mums told us:

I cherish those precious times of feeding Ashton to sleep, as I realize they will pass all too soon. Yet, for our next baby, I will not use just one way of putting her to sleep. I’ll do a variety of things so she’s not so set in only one way of falling asleep. This will include my husband, Jason, putting her to sleep now and then, so that when she’s older he can put her to sleep in his own way.

Many parents tell us that feeding baby at bedtime and a couple more times during the night works very well for them. Baby is content, and mother manages to get enough sleep, because baby is sleeping close by and she can feed baby back to sleep without waking up completely herself. Maybe Mum wakes a little more often, but she feels that the benefits outweigh any inconvenience for her.

Some mums, however, have told us that at age six months, twelve months, even eighteen months, their babies continue to wake up several times (or more!) each night to feed, and that they can no longer cope with this much night-feeding. They wish that their babies would learn that there is more than one way to fall asleep. Well, babies can learn other ways to sleep, and we will share ways to teach a baby new sleep associations later in this book. For now, we want you to know that many mothers breastfeed their babies to sleep for many months, feed them during the night, and still manage to get enough rest. If you currently enjoy breastfeeding your baby to sleep, we don’t want to get in the way of a good thing. One of the lessons we want you to learn about parenting is to enjoy the moment. We want you to get attached to your baby without worrying about a lot of what-ifs. (If frequent night feeding is a top concern, you will welcome the tips offered in chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo).)

2. Feeding baby ALMOST to sleep. Breastfeeding parents who want Dad to be able to put baby to sleep, as well as Mum, often teach their baby sleep associations beyond breastfeeding. Baby breastfeeds at bedtime, settles down, and starts to feel drowsy. Then Dad takes over while baby drifts off to sleep, using walking or rocking while patting baby’s back, and other methods, for easing the transition into sleep. (See “Try Our Favourite Nighttime Fathering Strategies”). Bottle-feeding parents can use this approach, too, if they don’t want their baby falling asleep with a bottle in her mouth. This approach helps baby learn that there are other ways to fall asleep besides relying on the comfort of sucking. When you use this approach with an older infant who no longer needs two or three nighttime feedings, baby may be less likely to wake up at night and she may be more willing to go back to sleep with just some gentle patting or snuggling from either Mum or Dad.

The main reason for getting baby used to other sleep associations is to avoid mother burnout from frequent night feeding of the older infant (the most frequent sleep concern we encounter in our pediatric practice). In the wonderful world of night feeding, babies absolutely love going fully to sleep at mother’s breast and having instant access to this warm and cosy prop when they awake, and if it’s working for you please don’t change. Yet, it often helps to add the finishing touch of another prop after feeding to help baby go from being awake, but drowsy, through light sleep into a state of deep sleep. Try these finishing touches:

Feed, then pat, sing, or rock to sleep. Instead of feeding baby completely to sleep, breastfeed until she starts to slow down her sucking and closes her eyelids, but she’s not yet asleep. Ease your nipple out of her mouth (see Martha’s de-latching trick (#litres_trial_promo)), and then rock, pat, or sing her down until she is completely asleep.

Mother nurse, plus father nurse. Near the end of the feeding, ease baby gently into father’s arms to add the finishing touch (see a complete discussion of how fathers can do this, page (#litres_trial_promo)). Then, hopefully, when baby wakes up, she is more likely to accept Dad or another caregiver putting her back to sleep using the same finishing touch.

Add a variety of secondary sleep associations. You can use any of the tools listed on page (#ulink_88d97f46-f6da-58c9-ae7d-9fe9441bf385) to lull your baby to sleep. If these techniques are not working and baby insists on feeding to sleep, consider that a baby who is not willing is not yet ready. Give your baby a few weeks for her sleep patterns to mature and then try again.

3. Putting baby to sleep without feeding. Easier said than done. Because of the sleep association principle discussed above, if baby always falls fully asleep the same way, especially at the breast, she will expect, demand, or even scream for the same prop – usually the breast – to put her back to sleep. Occasionally try putting your baby down when he is sleepy, but not totally asleep (or feeding almost to sleep as mentioned in tip number two). Learning to fall asleep without feeding teaches him that it’s okay to go to sleep in other ways. Expect that your baby might fuss when you try to use some of these sleep-inducing tools listed on page (#ulink_88d97f46-f6da-58c9-ae7d-9fe9441bf385). If he does fuss more than just a little, remember the parenting principle: don’t persist with a bad experiment. Yet, even if just once or twice a week you try to put your baby down partially asleep, at least you’ve planted a bit of the “I can do it” association.

4. Putting baby down to sleep independently. Some parents like to set up a more independent sleep arrangement early on, in which, hopefully, baby learns to settle himself down to sleep without much parental interaction. They reason that a baby who learns to fall asleep on his own will also be able to settle himself back to sleep on his own when he wakes during the night. This type of sleep training has become popular with some parents because it results in a “low maintenance” baby at night. It has also received a great deal of criticism because of the amount of crying that baby experiences during the training phase. Babies are born with an innate need for comfort and security while falling asleep, upon waking, while going back to sleep, and in some cases even while sleeping.

Ideally, a human caregiver supplies this comfort. Babies who sleep independently usually need to have some sort of secondary sleep association handy to calm them when they are falling asleep and when they awaken. They may need motion, such as rocking, swinging or bouncing movements of a cradle, swing, or baby hammock. They may depend on a dummy. Perhaps they learn to associate soft music or other sounds with sleep. Parents develop a routine around this sleep association that lulls baby into dreamland.

varying baby’s sleep associations

Get baby used to a variety of sleep associations at bedtime. The way your baby goes to sleep is the way she expects to go back to sleep when she awakens. When baby is older, you and your partner may want to take turns putting baby to sleep. Baby will learn Mum’s way of getting her to sleep (probably feeding) and Dad’s way of getting her to sleep (walking, “wearing down” in the baby sling, rocking and humming, and so on). For example, you may decide that you want to have your baby sleep in bed with you, but you are going to vary what you do to help her fall asleep. Some nights Mum will feed baby to sleep. Other nights Dad will soothe baby to sleep. You both can vary your soothing techniques. Some nights wear baby down to sleep by walking her around in a baby sling carrier. Other nights lull her to sleep in a baby swing. Mum has the option of not feeding baby to sleep and instead using Dad’s “wearing down” technique. You can even vary where baby sleeps. Some nights put baby in her cradle. On other nights put her in a cot and bring her into bed with you when she wakes. Or, share the whole night in your big bed together.

To train babies to fall asleep lying in a cot by themselves without any comforting sleep associations would be very tough on them. In chapter 10 (#litres_trial_promo) you will learn why we discourage this “tough-love” approach to sleep training when it involves crying it out.

Research shows that a sleep-training method that involves extended crying alone (without parent comforting) is not emotionally or physically healthy for babies – or for parents. Very easy-going babies may be able to learn to fall asleep independently with only minimal fuss, and we will offer suggestions on how this can be done in an appropriately sensitive way later in the book. Remember, our goal is for you to create stress-free sleep associations that result in a happy, healthy sleeper.

We’ll now go through a list of favourite sleep associations to help your baby fall asleep happier.

Laying baby down to sleep – transitioning tips

Babies don’t come equipped with the type of sleep switch that you can suddenly turn off at naptime and bedtime. Yet, a transitioning-to-sleep ritual can be like a dimmer switch that gradually tunes out and turns down stimulation in baby’s environment. In sleep psychology, this is known as “fading” (like what happens when you are listening to a dull talk). You can’t expect a baby to go from his exciting waking life right into sleep. (You don’t fall asleep this way, do you?) There has to be a transition time. Here are some favourites that have worked in our families:

Feeding down. If babies could vote, going off to sleep the warm way would win the Best Transition Award. A high-touch continuum from warm bath, to warm arms, to warm breast, to warm bed is a winning recipe for sleep. Nestle up next to your baby on your bed and feed her off to sleep. If you feed baby to sleep in your arms, be sure to wait until she is fully asleep before you try to transfer into her own bed. Once baby is asleep, try Martha’s de-latch technique (page (#litres_trial_promo)) to learn how to ease away. (For related strategies, see “Night Feeding” (#litres_trial_promo), to learn why night feeding is such a special and effective sleep-inducer. See also “Try Our Favourite Nighttime Fathering Strategies” where Dad adds the finishing touch to mother nursing, page).

Fathering down. “Nursing” implies comforting, not only breastfeeding. Fathers can and should “nurse” their babies down to sleep. Place baby in the neck nestle position (see illustration, page (#litres_trial_promo)) and “dance” or rock your baby to sleep.

One day after explaining the concept of sleep associations to a tired mother, she replied, “My baby has only one sleep association – ME!” If this is you, read – with your partner – chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo), “Twenty-three Nighttime Fathering Tips”.

Nestling down. Transferring the sleeping baby from your arms to his bed may prove to be tricky. An abrupt change from being nestled next to a parent’s body to lying alone on a mattress will awaken some babies. To ease your baby through this transition, try the intermediate step of lying down on your bed with your sleeping baby still in your arms. We call this the “teddy bear snuggle”. Once he’s sound asleep (see limp-limb sign opposite), you can ease yourself away and maybe even move him to his own bed.

Sucking down. Sucking is soothing, yet the human pacifier can wear out. Besides the breast or bottle, try your finger or teach baby to find his own hand to suck on.

Patting down. As you are easing baby into her bed, pat her chest or tummy gently and rhythmically, around 60 pats per minute (like your heartbeat). Gradually lighten and slow the patting as she succumbs to sleep. Add some verbal sleep cues (listed on page (#ulink_20cb511f-7b45-5fe3-b371-09194a2e8694)).

As she was just about to sleep, I’d run my fingers across her face, over her eyes, and down her nose so that her eyes would close.

Touching down. Oh, how babies love to be touched as they fall asleep. Here are some ideas for soothing, loving touches:

Patting – gentle, rhythmic patting on baby’s back or bottom while she is being held in your arms. Gentle patting on her tummy can also be used to soothe a baby who is lying in bed, especially when picking her up might be too stimulating.

Massage – light stroking of baby’s head and back is a favourite.

Skin-to-skin – young babies especially love the familiar feel of your skin on theirs.

sears’ sleep tip for dads:

Avoid the quick release in getting your baby to sleep. Have patience. Sometimes a too-quick release of the feeling of being securely attached to a parent can bother babies and cause them to jerk back awake. If baby continues to wake up when you try to transition him from your arms into his bed or is not falling completely asleep in your arms while rocking or walking, try putting him down on your chest in the neck nestle position or next to you. Once he is fully asleep (you can tell by observing the limp-limb sign – hands unclenched, arms dangling loosely at his side, facial muscles still), then ease yourself away. If baby’s hands are fisted and limbs flexed, chances are he is still in the state of light sleep and will awaken if you try to put him down too quickly.

Wearing down. Place your baby in a baby sling and wear her around the house for a half-hour or so before the designated bedtime. When she is fully asleep in the sling, ease her out of the sling onto your bed. Or, if she’s not fully asleep, lie down with her in the neck nestle or snuggle hold position on your chest. When baby is fully asleep, roll over on your side, slip yourself out of the sling, and let baby lie on the bed on her back using the sling as a cover. Wearing down (or what we also dub “slinging down”) is particularly useful for the reluctant napper. When baby falls asleep in the sling you can both lie down and enjoy a much-needed mutual nap.

Wearing down in a sling.

Rocking or walking down. Try rocking baby to sleep in a bedside rocking chair, or walk with baby, patting her back and singing. To keep the motion going (and keep baby asleep), ease her into a cradle and continue the rocking motion at a rate of about sixty rocks per minute. This is the heartbeat rhythm your baby was used to in the womb.

Swinging down. Try a bedside baby hammock. For most babies, motion, not stillness, signals sleep. Remember how your baby used to sleep during the day when you were pregnant but kept you awake at night when you lay down to sleep. When you were up and around, the motion of your body soothed her into sleep. When you were still, she woke up.

Wind-up swings for winding down babies are a boon to parents when their arms are wearing out. Some infants find the mechanical swing less interesting, if not downright boring, compared to being in the arms of a human being. So, off to sleep they go. Yet some babies are notoriously resistant to mechanical mother substitutes and will protest anything less than the real Mum. Before you actually spend money on a swing, you might want to borrow one for a week or two to see if the spell of the swing will work for your baby. You may discover that you are uncomfortable with mechanical mothering and decide that your baby is better off in your arms.

Driving down. If you’ve tried all the above transitioning techniques and baby still resists falling asleep, place baby in a car seat and drive around until he falls asleep. When you return home and baby is in a deep sleep, carry the infant car seat (with the sleeping baby) into your bedroom and let baby remain in the car seat until the first night waking. If he is in a deep sleep, you may be able to ease him out of the car seat into his own bed.

Using props. Called transitional objects or “cuddlies”, these are favourite toys that help children more easily transition from the familiar and interesting waking world to the world of sleep. Transitional objects should be cuddly, but safe. (See “Sleep Safety” (#litres_trial_promo)). Rolling over on plastic toys may awaken baby.

Transitional touch. If baby starts to stir as you try to slip her out of your arms or ease away from her in bed, offer the laying on of hands. Place your hand on baby’s chest or tummy and leave it there until she drifts back to sleep. This extra touch is especially important in babies who have a hard time transitioning from your arms into the Moses basket or cot. They need this transitional touch to stay fully asleep. It can save you a trip back to the rocking chair, to soothe an awakened baby back to sleep.

The scent of mother. Leaving in the cot a breast pad or t-shirt mother wore all day may help baby transition from the whole mother at night.

Music to sleep by. A parent softly singing a lullaby is the classic sound cue for babies to go to sleep. Quiet instrumental music is another traditional favourite. Here are some creative ways you can use sound to soothe baby to sleep:

Mum’s musical voice. The soft sounds of Mum’s voice, either in song or in quiet words will mesmerize baby. That’s why they’re called lullabies.

I saved one song, our sleep song, for when it was time to go to sleep. She learned to associate that song with falling asleep.

need more sound advice?

Put together a medley of easy-listening lullabies on a CD or tape, and then set the player for continuous play. You won’t have to worry about running out of music and breaking the sleepy mood.

Tape a medley of you singing baby’s favourite lullabies. Your familiar voice may help baby settle when put to sleep by someone else.

For babies in a cradle or cot, turn on a musical mobile to help baby associate the gentle movement and the sound with going to sleep. If the mobile helps to get him to sleep, restart it when he wakes to get him back to sleep.

Besides choosing music that is easy listening to your ears, select tunes that your baby enjoys. Infants usually settle better with classical music that has slowly rising and falling tempos with lots of repetitive themes. Simple music with repetitive rhythms tends to work best. Turbulent rap or rock music is likely to be a night waker. A music box with classics, such as Brahms’ Lullaby, is a proven settler. For some suggestions from the Sears’ family library of music to fall asleep by, see Appendix A (#litres_trial_promo).

Dad’s deep tones. Some babies really take to Dad’s full, rumbly tones. Besides hearing his voice, they can feel the vibrations from the voice box when held on Dad’s chest. (See the neck nestle, page (#litres_trial_promo)).