TWO PLAYS. MAIDEN FOREST. THE ADVENTURES OF YUMI

Venya. The early bird gets the worm.

Alexey. But it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.

They approach the front door. Venya is munching on his apple. He tries to get inside but Alexey holds him back.

Venya. What’s up?

Alexey. Let’s knock on the window first.

Venya. Why bother?

Alexey. What if he is with a woman?

Venya. My foot!

Alexey. Just to be on the safe side, Venya.

Venya. Our Fyodor lives a hermit monk’s life.

Alexey. [Giving Venya a shove and forcing him downstairs.] «Peace, peace, Mercutio, peace. Thou talk’st of nothing…»

Venya comes down from the porch, steps up to the window, and taps on the glass with his knuckles.

Venya. Anybody home?

Fyodor opens the front door and goes out on the porch. He is dressed in a striped vest and holds an electric shaver in his hand.

Fyodor. What’s up with you, fellas? The door is open.

Alexey. Hi there, Fyodor.

Fyodor. Alexey, what’s new? [They hug.]

Venya. Ah, we knocked just to be on the safe side. What if you are with a lady? [He sneaks a glance over Fyodor’s shoulder, trying to see if someone else is inside.]

Fyodor. A lady from Haiti! Fiction-mongers. [He puts the shaver away.]

Venya. Feeling funny in the morning.

Alexey. You’re just hungry, I guess.

Venya. We had a three mile foot-slog. Je ne mange pas six jours!

Fyodor [To Alexey.] Where is your driver?

Alexey. I gave him a day off. This proletarian had an urge to get here today by a suburban train.

Venya. You should be a man of the people, Mister Former Deputy.

Alexey. Eat your heart out, Comrade Former Komsomol Leader. Your time is over.

Venya. Mon tam viend-rah!

Alexey. I doubt even a French teacher can help him.

Fyodor. Enough of this dogfight, fellas. Break! Let’s get some breakfast.

Venya. He keeps teasing me! About the teacher. Maybe I would like to marry a rich French madame?

Alexey. A bloody bridegroom…

Venya. Opportunist!

Alexey. Look at a conformist’s talking.

As the three of them get to the house porch, Natalia approaches the gate.

Venya. Oh wow! Heave ho! Jiggers, fellas.

Alexey. Who is she?

Venya. Some pretty young lady.

Fyodor. Hold on a sec. We’re going to figure it out.

Natalia. You don’t have a dog, do you? I’ll drop in. [She enters Fyodor’s garden plot and approaches the house.] Morning.

Fyodor. Hello there!

Venya. Bon-zhoor!

Natalia. Good morning. [She nods to Alexey and Veniamin, they bow to her, both pleased as dogs with two tails.] I am sorry to come so early in the morning. Hope I don’t disturb you.

Alexey. We are in the Maiden Forest, after all. Beautiful ladies are always welcome!

Natalia. Thank you. My name is Natalia.

Fyodor. Nice to meet you, Natalia. I am Fyodor. And these are my friends. [Nodding at Venya and Alexey.] Alexey Khromov and Veniamin… What is your last name, Venya?

Venya. Veniamin Frostin. [He holds out his hand to Natalia, she gives it a shake.] Enchantе, Natalia.

Fyodor. Veniamin… oh dear.

Alexey. Nice to meet you, Natalia. [He gently pushes Venya aside and holds out his hand to Natalia, she shakes it as well.]

Natalia. Oh. So much attention. You’re making me blush.

Fyodor. We do love guests.