TWO PLAYS. MAIDEN FOREST. THE ADVENTURES OF YUMI

Chopper. It is Moray’s house. It was passed down to him from his folks.

Slav. They must have died a long time ago. [He takes an old photograph off the table and reads the text on the reverse side of it.] «August. 1997. I sought my love in the maiden forest. With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack…» [He takes out a lighter, sets the photograph on fire, and throws it on a plate lying on the table]. My father got a garden plot here as well. But this drunkard never built anything there. The land went for nothing.

Chopper. A man only seeks for happiness but never has it. And it doesn’t even exist. Slav!

Slav. Eh?

Chopper. Try it on. It’s just your size. [He throws a parcel with clothes to Slav.]

Slav unwraps the parcel.

Slav. You can’t be serious, Chopper…

Chopper. A must is a must. It’s gonna get hairy at night.

Slav changes into the police uniform, puts on the peaked cap, and puts steel handcuffs into his pocket.

Slav. I look nothing like a cop.

Chopper. We are going to check it soon.

Slav. Jacket and Moray… I don’t like these two. How come Frost knows them?

Chopper. It’s none of your affairs. Frost vouched for them.

Slav. The chumps will get off as soon as it hits the fan. You and I are sticking our necks out.

Chopper. Relax. Jacket and Kolosov are settling their personal scores.

Slav. Is it true that they are related?

Chopper. Kolosov is his stepfather. It was he who got Jacket and Moray arrested for drugs a few years ago.

Slav. What a nasty son of a bitch.

Chopper. Jacket had spent four years in jail. Meanwhile, his mother died.

Slav. The fellow had damned bad luck.

Chopper. Kolosov buried Jacket’s mother and got his grubby hands on the icon collection her granddad left to her.

Slav. How much money did Kolosov make on it?

Chopper. When Perestroika began, profiteers bid a four-room apartment in Moscow for those icons.

Slav. [Whistling.] And where is this collection now? [Opening the door of a wardrobe and groping around inside.]

Chopper. In the old Kolosov’s apartment. The roost is alarmed. We are going to find out the password and take the icons without a big fuss. Karen the cracksman is already there.

Artyom with the uncased rifle and Moray enter. Slav closes the wardrobe door, Artyom and Moray notice him.

Moray. Jiggers! Cops! [He takes off towards the exit, stumbles, and falls. Then he sees that Artyom and Chopper don’t run away and keeps sitting by the door.]

Chopper.[Giving a laugh and coughing.] You do! You do look like a cop, Slav.

Scene 3

Midday. The stage setting is the same as in Scene 1.

Fyodor is sitting on the terrace. Some light snacks are served on the table. Venya leaves the house.

Venya. I might have just dropped and broken a mug from your collection. [He shows a jug with a broken handle to Fyodor.]

Fyodor. Venya, don’t sweat it. It’s a cheapie.

Venya. Looks pretty.

Fyodor. It’s a replica of an Infantry reservist jug. I’ve never even drunk from the original one myself, put it on to a shelf.

Venya. It’s a shame anyway.

Fyodor. Put it on the table. You’re going to hurt yourself.

Venya.[Carefully putting the broken jug on the table.] You have some beautiful icons inside. Are those the ones from your collection?

Fyodor. Those are copies, Venya. The collection itself is kept in safety, alarmed.

Venya. Gotcha. I figured as much.

Pause.

Venya. How can Alexey take a steam bath so early in the morning?

Fyodor. He is used to it. Has a healthy heart.

Venya. I can’t stand this humidity. My Zodiac is a fire sign. [He sits down at the table.]

Fyodor. A fire sign? Do you believe in astrology now, Venya? Does your spiritual father approve?

Venya. You know, priests and devils, they both seem the same to me as of late. I am sick of theorizing. I’m letting my hair down. First-hand experience is priceless.

Fyodor. It’s only a shame that we have to pay for this experience with our health, youth, and nerves.

Pause.

Venya. The whole life is a nasty joke. A friend of mine once came home from a business trip only to find his young wife in bed with her lover. «What are you doing here?!» The cuckold shrieked. «There you go,» his wife said to her lover. «I did tell you that my husband is an idiot.»

Alexey, fresh-faced after bathing and wrapped up in a bathrobe, comes out of the banya behind the house and walks along the path towards them.