Sydney Harbour Hospital: Lexi's Secret

Lexi made a business of folding each sheet of the tissue paper into a neat square, lining them up side by side on the bed.

‘He’s got nice eyes, don’t you think?’ Bella said.

‘I didn’t notice.’

‘Liar, sure you did,’ Bella said. ‘I saw you blush. I’ve never seen you blush before. That’s my specialty, not yours.’

‘It’s hot in here,’ Lexi said, fanning her face for emphasis. ‘How do you stand it?’

‘Did you notice his hands?’ Bella asked.

‘Not really …’ Lexi remembered how those hands had felt on her body. How they had lit fires under her flesh until she had been burning with a need so strong it had totally consumed her. Those hands had wreaked havoc on her senses from the first moment he had touched her. She opened and closed the hand he had taken in his just minutes ago. The tingling pins and needles feeling was still there …

‘He wasn’t wearing a wedding ring,’ Bella said.

‘Doesn’t mean he’s not involved with someone,’ Lexi said, feeling a tight ache in her chest as she pictured his partner. Would she be blonde, like her, or brunette? Or maybe a redhead like Bella. Would she be a doctor or nurse? Or a teacher perhaps? A lawyer? ‘Dad’s got a new girlfriend,’ she said, to change the subject.

‘Yes, Evie told me.’

‘I haven’t met her yet.’

‘I don’t know why he bothers introducing them,’ Bella said with an air of resentment. ‘None of them stay around long enough for us to get to know them.’

‘Dad’s entitled to have a life,’ Lexi said. ‘It’s not like Mum’s ever going to come back and play happy families.’

‘You always defend him,’ Bella said irritably. ‘You never let anyone say a bad word about him.’

‘Look,’ Lexi said, hoping to avoid the well-worn bone of contention between them. ‘I know he’s not perfect but he’s the only father we have. The only parent when it comes down to it. Mum’s not much use.’

‘Maybe Mum couldn’t handle Dad’s philandering,’ Bella said. ‘Maybe it wasn’t just because I was sick. Maybe she was left on her own too much and couldn’t cope. Maybe she wouldn’t have left if he had offered her more emotional support.’

Lexi knew Bella felt terribly guilty about the breakdown of their parents’ marriage. Her illness had taken its toll on everyone, but their mother had been the first to abandon ship, taking the contents of the drinks cabinet with her. Miranda Lockheart flitted in and out of their lives, not staying long enough to offer any stability or support but just long enough to remind them of what they had missed out on.

But blaming their father was not something Lexi had ever felt comfortable doing. He had always been there for her. He was her stronghold, the person she looked up to, the person she craved approval from more than any other.

‘Dad has always tried to do his best,’ she said. ‘He was meant to be a father, not a mother. He couldn’t do both.’

Bella gave a weary sigh. ‘One day you’re going to find out that Dad has clay feet. I just hope I’m around to see it.’

Lexi shrugged and then tried another subject change. ‘Have you had any other visitors?’

‘Phone calls or texts mostly,’ Bella said with a despondent look on her face. ‘People get sick of visiting after the first week. It happens every time. Maybe it’ll be different once I’ve had the transplant …’

Guilt struck at Lexi like a closed fist. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t get in yesterday,’ she said. ‘Matthew’s mother wanted me to look at wedding-cake designs. Her sister has already made the cake. Now we just have to decide on the decoration. Matthew wants something traditional but I was thinking we could so something more along the lines of …’

Bella was frowning as she looked into space. It was as if she hadn’t heard a word of what Lexi had been saying. ‘Sam …’ she said. ‘Sam. It’s really been bugging me. Why does that name sound so familiar?’

Lexi felt her stomach drop again. ‘Sam’s a popular name.’

‘I know but it’s more than that,’ Bella said, frowning in concentration. ‘Bailey. Sam Bailey. Bailey. Sam Bailey.’

Lexi closed her eyes. Please, no.

‘Oh. My. God.’

Lexi winced as she opened her eyes to see Bella’s saucer-like ones staring at her. ‘Wh-what?’ she choked.

‘It’s him, isn’t it?’ Bella asked. ‘It’s the same Sam Bailey. The Sam Bailey you had that naughty little teenage fling with that made Dad almost blow a fuse. Oh. My. God.’

‘Will you please keep your voice down?’ Lexi hissed.

‘It’s not like you’ll be able to keep it a secret,’ Bella said. ‘Not for long and certainly not around here. People have long memories and they just love a bit of juicy gossip. You’d better let Matthew know. You don’t want him getting into a flap about an ex-lover turning up out of the blue.’

Lexi turned away to look out of the window, crossing her arms over her body as if that would contain the pain that was spreading like an ink spill through her. Was she deluded to hope no one would remember their past connection? Who else would link their names and start the gossip all over again? How would she cope with it a second time?

No one knew about the baby.

No one.

At least that secret was safe.

But everything else was out there for everyone to pick over like crows on a rotting carcass. All the intimate details of her brief relationship with Sam would be fodder, grist for the mill of gossip that SHH was renowned for. She would be painted as the Scarlet Woman, the scandalous Lolita who had lured Sam away from his studies at the most pivotal moment in his career.

‘Lexi?’

Lexi pulled in a breath and faced her sister. ‘It was five years ago,’ she said. ‘Hopefully no one will even remember what happened back then.’

Bella looked doubtful. ‘I still think you should tell Matthew.’

‘I will tell him,’ Lexi said, breaking out into a sweat. ‘I’ll tell him it was a stupid little fling that meant nothing.’

Bella chewed at her lip for a moment. ‘Is this the first time you’ve seen Sam since you broke up?’ she asked.

‘No, I ran into him in the doctors’ car park on my way to see you,’ Lexi said, raking a distracted hand through her hair. ‘That’ll teach me for breaking the rules. I won’t park there ever again. Cross my heart and—’ She stopped and gave Bella an apologetic grimace as her hand dropped back by her side. ‘Sorry, bad choice of words.’

Bella continued to look at her with a concerned frown on her face. ‘You’re not happy about seeing him again, are you?’ she said.

Lexi lifted her shoulders in a couldn’t-care-less manner. ‘It’s always a little difficult running into ex-partners. It’s part of the dating life. Once a relationship ends you don’t always end up the best of friends.’

‘Not that I would know anything about the dating life …’ Bella said as she fiddled with the edge of the sheet covering her thin little body.

Lexi sighed and reached for Bella’s small, cold hand. ‘You’re being so wonderfully brave about all this,’ she said. ‘If it was me I’d be terrified.’

‘I am terrified,’ Bella said. ‘I want what you have. I want a life. I want to one day get married and have babies.’

Lexi felt her insides clench like the snap of a rabbit trap. That aching sadness gripped her every time she thought of the baby she could have had if things had been different. It was ironic that Matthew was keen to start a family as soon as they were married. His parents were excited at the prospect of becoming grandparents. But she had come to dread the topic every time he raised it. It wasn’t the only thing she argued with him about. Her lack of interest in sex had become a huge issue over the last few months of their engagement. Matthew’s trip abroad, she suspected, were his attempts to make her heart grow fonder in his absence. She didn’t have the heart to tell him it wasn’t working. She missed him certainly, but not in the way he most wanted her to.

‘I’ll be the only Lockheart sister left childless and lonely on the shelf,’ Bella continued to bemoan.