Getting Married Again

“Mom, look at all this stuff we bought.” Heidi sank to the floor near Lexie, sharing her treasures, the drama of their entrance already fading. “I promised Dad I wouldn’t wear any of it until school.”

Heidi shook out three blouses in rapid succession. Lexie barely had time to look at them before her daughter brought out another shopping bag.

“And new jeans.”

“Blue jeans,” Lexie said wistfully, almost able to feel the thick denim on her legs. What she wouldn’t give to be able to pull on a pair of pants that didn’t have an elastic waistband. “Did you spend all of your father’s money?”

“Almost. We spent what was in my wallet, anyway.” Jackson shouldered open the door, carrying an oblong box that looked suspiciously like stereo equipment. The box effectively distracted Lexie from gazing too long at Jackson’s muscular arms.

Rufus returned, shoving his nose repeatedly under Lexie’s arm until she petted him. He gave her a pink-tongued grin.

“Who’s that for?” Lexie asked, keeping her eyes on the box as Jackson set it on the floor. Her pulse had finally decided to return to something close to normal and the baby was peaceful once more.

Heidi folded her loot. “Dad bought a DVD player and he got five free movies, too. Isn’t it great? Now we can watch movies again.”

“All our movies are on video,” Lexie said, trying to catch Jackson’s eye. Between the electronics and the clothes, Jackson easily could have spent three hundred dollars or more.

That was just like Jackson. He never approached a problem head-on. He always worked his way in the back door. If he thought she was taking him back and returning to the same lifestyle—worrying about him nine months out of the year, sleeping solo in their king-size bed—he had another thing coming.

“Birdie rents DVDs at her grocery store,” Heidi pointed out. “Oh, and I forgot we picked up a pizza on the way back into town.” She shot out the door.

Jackson continued unpacking the box. “Heidi mentioned the VCR was broken, and you know it costs just as much to fix one as to buy one.”

“A VCR, sure. But not a DVD. Those are more expensive.”

“It’ll last a long time.” He began pulling out cords from behind the television as if he had every right to be rearranging her wires.

Heidi returned with the pizza and placed the box on the coffee table. “I’ll get you some milk, Mom, and napkins. Then can we watch a movie?”

Lexie sighed, giving in. “I suppose.” Eventually, she was going to have to learn to be in the same room as Jackson without letting herself long for his touch. For Heidi’s sake.

But eventually seemed a long time away.

“And you’ll be leaving after the movie,” Lexie added, when their daughter had disappeared into the kitchen.

“I can sleep on the couch,” Jackson said from behind the television, his denim-clad buns in clear view, just as toned and tight as ever.

“No, you can’t.” It was a mere twenty feet from the couch to their—her—bedroom. They used to joke about that. Twenty paces was not nearly enough distance between Lexie and temptation. If it weren’t for Heidi, she’d send him on his way right now.

“How’ve you been feeling?” Jackson turned his head and smiled at her.

She told herself it was the same smile he’d always had, but something about him seemed tired and drained.

“I’ve been better.” The bleeding had been scary the first few times it happened several months ago, but she’d become used to it. And the nausea had returned a few weeks ago, which was unpleasant. Yet, all of this hardship was bearable when she compared it to shutting Jackson out of her life. That’s how she measured this pregnancy—against the void in her heart. Asking her husband to leave and sticking to her decision had been the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. Everything else—even this difficult pregnancy—was easy by comparison.

“Are you getting all the rest you need?” he asked.

“What did Heidi tell you?” Lexie glanced back toward the kitchen, then sighed. Jackson needed to know about the health of this child. He deserved to know about the child they’d lost, too, but she wasn’t ready to tell him that yet. “I’ve had to take it easy since my fourth month.” It seemed like forever. But then, it seemed like forever since she’d sat with Jackson and talked.

“I’m sorry about the things I said earlier.” He stood up straight and turned to face her, green eyes bright. “You caught me off guard.”

He really knew how to work her. She could feel her resolve softening “I suppose anybody would be upset to come home and find this—” she pointed at her belly “—waiting for them.”

His eyes bore into hers. “Are you sorry? About the baby, I mean.”

Lexie shook her head.

“Me, neither. It’s a gift, Lex.”

Speechless, Lexie cradled her belly with both hands.

Jackson ran his fingers through his long hair before admitting, “No matter how much I loved you, I couldn’t give you another baby. I knew that was hard on you.”

This was the real Jackson, the man he rarely showed to anyone else—sincere, open—nothing like the man he’d become when she’d asked him to leave—annoyingly upbeat.

“Is Heidi happy about the baby?”

“She’s excited.” This was the man she’d fallen in love with. The man her heart longed for. The walls around her heart weakened. “You know, she always wanted a brother or a sister. Growing up, I did, too.” Until she’d realized how messed up her life was. Welfare, social workers, humiliation, a father who hadn’t loved her enough to hang around. She’d contented herself with the stingy, conditional love her mother offered. Until she found Jackson and realized there were other kinds of love.

Only later did Lexie learn that even Jackson’s love was fragile and fleeting.

Heidi entered the living room, carrying a tray with three glasses. “I got everyone water. We’re out of milk.” This last was said somewhat testily, as if it was Lexie’s fault that they’d drunk the last of the milk.

Lexie experienced a twinge of guilt that she hadn’t been able to keep as much food in the house since she’d gone on public assistance.

“Start a movie, Dad,” Heidi commanded, sinking to the floor.

“And then your dad needs to leave. I’m sure he has lots to do,” Lexie said firmly.

Jackson stared at Lexie with such a haunted expression in his eyes that Lexie had to look away. She’d barred Jackson from her life for a reason. He’d buried the man she’d fallen in love with underneath a veneer of confidence and easygoing charm.

She just had to work harder to remember that what she was seeing now was only a rare glimpse of the man he’d once been.

THE TWITCHES CAUGHT LEXIE’S ATTENTION.

Propped against the couch at Lexie’s feet, Jackson had fallen asleep soon after the movie started. The twitching had begun about twenty minutes later. Still, he seemed fine, until the movie’s credits started to roll.

“Don’t. No.” Jackson muttered and turned his head from side to side. “Come back.”

“Is he having a bad dream?” Heidi asked.

“Don’t! Alek, no!” Sweat covered Jackson’s brow. His leg bucked, as if fighting to move.

“Mom?” Heidi scooted closer to Lexie.

“It’s just a dream.” Lexie put her arm around Heidi’s shoulders. She raised her voice. “Jackson, wake up. You’re dreaming.”

“The fire! Alek!” Jackson’s face scrunched up as if he were in pain.