An Ideal Husband

sir robert chiltern. I will not do what you ask me. I will not.

mrs. cheveley. You have to. If you don’t.. [Rises from the sofa.]

sir robert chiltern. [Bewildered and unnerved.] Wait a moment! What did you propose? You said that you would give me back my letter, didn’t you?

mrs. cheveley. Yes. That is agreed. I will be in the Ladies’ Gallery to-morrow night at half-past eleven. If by that time – and you will have had heaps of opportunity – you have made an announcement to the House in the terms I wish, I shall hand you back your letter with the prettiest thanks, and the best, or at any rate the most suitable, compliment I can think of. I intend to play quite fairly with you. One should always play fairly.. when one has the winning cards. The Baron taught me that.. amongst other things.

sir robert chiltern. You must let me have time to consider your proposal.

mrs. cheveley. No; you must settle now!

sir robert chiltern. Give me a week – three days!

mrs. cheveley. Impossible! I have got to telegraph to Vienna to-night.

sir robert chiltern. My God! what brought you into my life?

mrs. cheveley. Circumstances. [Moves towards the door.]

sir robert chiltern. Don’t go. I consent. The report shall be withdrawn. I will arrange for a question to be put to me on the subject.

mrs. cheveley. Thank you. I knew we should come to an amicable agreement. I understood your nature from the first. I analysed you, though you did not adore me. And now you can get my carriage for me, Sir Robert. I see the people coming up from supper, and Englishmen always get romantic after a meal, and that bores me dreadfully. [Exitsir robert chiltern.]

[Enter Guests, lady chiltern, lady markby, lord caversham, lady basildon, mrs. marchmont, vicomte de nanjac, mr. montford.]

lady markby. Well, dear Mrs. Cheveley, I hope you have enjoyed yourself. Sir Robert is very entertaining, is he not?

mrs. cheveley. Most entertaining! I have enjoyed my talk with him immensely.

lady markby. He has had a very interesting and brilliant career. And he has married a most admirable wife. Lady Chiltern is a woman of the very highest principles, I am glad to say. I am a little too old now, myself, to trouble about setting a good example, but I always admire people who do. And Lady Chiltern has a very ennobling effect on life, though her dinner-parties are rather dull sometimes. But one can’t have everything, can one? And now I must go, dear. Shall I call for you to-morrow?

mrs. cheveley. Thanks.

lady markby. We might drive in the Park at five. Everything looks so fresh in the Park now!

mrs. cheveley. Except the people!

lady markby. Perhaps the people are a little jaded. I have often observed that the Season as it goes on produces a kind of softening of the brain. However, I think anything is better than high intellectual pressure. That is the most unbecoming thing there is. It makes the noses of the young girls so particularly large. And there is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose; men don’t like them. Good-night, dear! [Tolady chiltern.] Good-night, Gertrude! [Goes out onlord caversham’sarm.]

mrs. cheveley. What a charming house you have, Lady Chiltern! I have spent a delightful evening. It has been so interesting getting to know your husband.

lady chiltern. Why did you wish to meet my husband, Mrs. Cheveley?

mrs. cheveley. Oh, I will tell you. I wanted to interest him in this Argentine Canal scheme, of which I dare say you have heard. And I found him most susceptible, – susceptible to reason, I mean. A rare thing in a man. I converted him in ten minutes. He is going to make a speech in the House to-morrow night in favour of the idea. We must go to the Ladies’ Gallery and hear him! It will be a great occasion!

lady chiltern. There must be some mistake. That scheme could never have my husband’s support.

mrs. cheveley. Oh, I assure you it’s all settled. I don’t regret my tedious journey from Vienna now. It has been a great success. But, of course, for the next twenty-four hours the whole thing is a dead secret.

lady chiltern. [Gently.] A secret? Between whom?

mrs. cheveley. [With a flash of amusement in her eyes.] Between your husband and myself.

sir robert chiltern. [Entering.] Your carriage is here, Mrs. Cheveley!

mrs. cheveley. Thanks! Good evening, Lady Chiltern! Good-night, Lord Goring! I am at Claridge’s. Don’t you think you might leave a card?

lord goring. If you wish it, Mrs. Cheveley!

mrs. cheveley. Oh, don’t be so solemn about it, or I shall be obliged to leave a card on you. In England I suppose that would hardly be considered en règle. Abroad, we are more civilised. Will you see me down, Sir Robert? Now that we have both the same interests at heart we shall be great friends, I hope!

[Sails out onsir robert chiltern’sarm. lady chilterngoes to the top of the staircase and looks down at them as they descend. Her expression is troubled. After a little time she is joined by some of the guests, and passes with them into another reception-room.]

mabel chiltern. What a horrid woman!

lord goring. You should go to bed, Miss Mabel.

mabel chiltern. Lord Goring!

lord goring. My father told me to go to bed an hour ago. I don’t see why I shouldn’t give you the same advice. I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

mabel chiltern. Lord Goring, you are always ordering me out of the room. I think it most courageous of you. Especially as I am not going to bed for hours. [Goes over to the sofa.] You can come and sit down if you like, and talk about anything in the world, except the Royal Academy, Mrs. Cheveley, or novels in Scotch dialect. They are not improving subjects. [Catches sight of something that is lying on the sofa half hidden by the cushion.] What is this? Some one has dropped a diamond brooch! Quite beautiful, isn’t it? [Shows it to him.] I wish it was mine, but Gertrude won’t let me wear anything but pearls, and I am thoroughly sick of pearls. They make one look so plain, so good and so intellectual. I wonder whom the brooch belongs to.

lord goring. I wonder who dropped it.

mabel chiltern. It is a beautiful brooch.

lord goring. It is a handsome bracelet.

mabel chiltern. It isn’t a bracelet. It’s a brooch.

lord goring. It can be used as a bracelet. [Takes it from her, and, pulling out a green letter-case, puts the ornament carefully in it, and replaces the whole thing in his breast-pocket with the most perfect sang froid.]

mabel chiltern. What are you doing?

lord goring. Miss Mabel, I am going to make a rather strange request to you.

mabel chiltern. [Eagerly.] Oh, pray do! I have been waiting for it all the evening.

lord goring. [Is a little taken aback, but recovers himself.] Don’t mention to anybody that I have taken charge of this brooch. Should any one write and claim it, let me know at once.

mabel chiltern. That is a strange request.

lord goring. Well, you see I gave this brooch to somebody once, years ago.

mabel chiltern. You did?

lord goring. Yes.