Your First Grandchild: Useful, touching and hilarious guide for first-time grandparents

During labour massage is often used to hasten a dilatory foetus. The woman may also stand and then squat to facilitate birth.

South East Asian Birth Customs, Dinn. V. Hart, Phya Anuman

Rajadhon and Richard J. Coughlin

Everything comes full circle it seems!

Birth Partners

It may still happen that a woman wants her mother present, especially if she is single, but usually – and quite naturally – it is her partner she will choose to help her give birth.

Heidi: ‘I was terribly hurt when my son said, “Don’t come to the hospital, Mum.” And “We’d rather you weren’t there when we bring the baby home.” It was only later that he told me he had said this because he felt concern that, due to the fact that his mother-in-law had recently died, it would make his wife sad if his mother were too much in evidence. In the event I did get to see my new grandson in hospital, born eight days early, but a fine big baby, and they were happy for me to be at the house, where I had everything clean and ready and a meal cooked, when they brought him home.’

Marge: ‘My husband went to bed but I stayed up sipping brandy and milk, with my son-in-law ringing me from the hospital in London every so often. It’s a drink I’ve never drunk before or since! I think I needed it because the birth was not easy. I felt helpless and yes, I did wish I could be there, though in a cowardly way I was glad I wasn’t. I wouldn’t have liked to see my daughter suffering. The baby got stuck and she ended up having to have a Caesarean. I was utterly delighted when I heard it was a boy. I hadn’t made up my mind but that’s what I hoped it would be. Why? I like men.’

Pam: ‘When my first grandchild was born, although it was April, there was such thick snow that I couldn’t get to the hospital to see him. I felt terrible about that. It made me remember that exactly the same thing happened when I had my first child. There was an April blizzard and my mother couldn’t get up from Wales to visit us.’

Sophie: ‘Although my daughter had no real difficulties, the actual birth was a real trauma for me. I felt awful. I would rather have been having the baby myself, I felt so useless and helpless. I was completely uptight and I had no one to share it with, being on my own.’

Kay: ‘I was with my daughter during it all and she was fantastic! She never made a sound. Only when the doctor said, “One more push, Sally, one more push.” Then she gave a sort of long squeal, and there was my granddaughter! I had arranged for music to be played: Canon in D by Johann Pachelbel. The nurse loved it so much she wanted to know what it was. She said she would play it for other mothers giving birth because it’s so soothing.’

Joan: ‘The actual birth was a terrible, horrible time for us. We knew that she had gone into hospital, that she was in labour, but time went on and time went on and there was no word. I kept phoning the hospital but they just told me, “No, there’s no news yet” and were generally very cagey. Eventually we went to bed, but of course I couldn’t sleep. Early in the morning I phoned and they said, “Yes, your daughter has had her baby.” I said, “Is she all right?” and they said she was. I was so relieved it was only afterwards that I realized I had forgotten to ask whether it was a boy or a girl! At last my son-in-law rang to say, “We have a baby daughter. Can you both come to the hospital now – we’re shattered.” We were delighted to go. I had felt so totally helpless that it was a relief to be able to do something. Yes, I would have loved to have been with my daughter but I felt it was not my place.’

Martin: ‘Although I was excited and full of anticipation, I must admit I did feel an awful sense of strain whilst my daughter was giving birth, and tremendous relief when it was over. To be there was the last thing on earth I would have wanted. I could never stand it when she was little and skinned her knees. That broke me up enough. I couldn’t bear seeing her suffer if I couldn’t take the pain away. But we older men weren’t allowed anywhere near our wives when they were having babies and I can’t help feeling we missed out.’

Peggy Writes

I knew that Mum wanted to be with me during the birth, and felt very guilty about excluding her. I think I’d also want to be with my daughter, and can quite understand the impulse. But I just felt that I might not be able to do it with her there. Firstly, there is the privacy issue – we have never been a family to walk about the house naked. But more important than this was my concern that, were she there. I would feel like a daughter, and not like a mother myself. My Mum is very, very sympathetic and nurturing, and I worried that her concern would weaken me. My husband, on the other had, is extremely pragmatic. With him there, I felt I’d just have to get on with it – which I did!

So … the big event is over. To everyone’s joy and excitement, the baby has arrived. You hurry to the hospital and gaze upon the new infant. Don’t worry too much if you don’t feel deep affection for him or her at once. I found, from talking to others, that what happened to my husband and me is very common. Though you are proud and happy, you feel at first a little shy of the baby, of this little stranger who has arrived in your lives. Often there isn’t the immediate bonding that happens with your own child. But then, quite suddenly – sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but always when you are least expecting it – you fall helplessly and head-over-heels in love with your grandchild. You are utterly besotted and in a state of infatuation which, happily, will last for as long as you live!

Chapter 3 (#ulink_ec03949c-0401-5a8c-a9b3-59148fb16a85)

Rather You Than Me (#ulink_ec03949c-0401-5a8c-a9b3-59148fb16a85)

The Immediate Postnatal Period

Now you can really come into your own as grandparents, if time and circumstances allow. I have often thought that not only should the father have compassionate leave, but perhaps one or other of the grandparents as well! As Dr Christopher Green wisely says, ‘Grandmas and grandpas are some of the most valuable, and least utilised natural resources.’

The immediate postnatal period is perhaps the most stressful of all for new parents, especially for the mother because her hormones can be very unsettled after the birth. I remember sitting in the car going home from the hospital with my new baby on my knee (yes, it was before the days of baby seats – or even safety belts for that matter; I don’t know how any of us survived!) and completely panicking: I CAN’T DO THIS! I DON’T KNOW HOW! I’VE NEVER BEEN A PARENT BEFORE! HELP!

So for grandparents who are within call this is an ideal time to help, especially by responding to requests. Please don’t make the mistake many do of assuming that you must leave them and not interfere – that it’s a time for them to get to know their baby and bond as a new family. It may be that they want to be left alone, but do make sure. I’ve often heard such wails as: ‘Oh, if only our parents had helped us in the first two or three weeks. We felt so alone. I hadn’t got my full strength back and he (the partner) was so irritable all the time. We just kept quarrelling about what was the right thing to do’ and ‘I did wish her Mum had popped round more often. We could have done with catching up on some sleep just at the beginning.’

It is obviously easier for grandparents to offer help to a single parent because they can feel pretty sure of being needed and there’s no danger of irritating their son or daughter’s partner. In fact, just because there are two parents doesn’t mean that the partner may not also welcome a bit of help. In the lucky but unusual case of two sets of grandparents being available, then co-operation between them can divide the load, prevent any feeling of being left out, and make for closeness between the older couples. Looking after new infants is tiring enough for young parents, but is especially so for those not in the first flush of youth. One new mother commented that the best thing her mother and mother-in-law did was to come round alternately every day to let her go to bed for a couple of hours. Sleep deprivation is a serious strain on new parents and not to be underestimated, so any help that allows them to catch up on some rest can be invaluable.

For the new parents this baby is the be-all and end-all of their world, so it is important for them to feel that, in spite of your busy and active life, you are prepared to shelve anything that’s possible in order to lend them a hand. It may not appear particularly relevant to them if you refuse a plea for help because you have to go to a party! A reasonable degree of self-sacrifice is necessary at this crucial time. Help may also be welcome with the chores that need to be done for the sake of good hygiene, but mean time spent away from their baby – like washing the kitchen floor, cleaning the loo or clearing out the fridge. If, physically, you are not up to these tasks, just sitting there holding the baby and lending a sympathetic ear can be just as helpful.

Again, as with anything else, don’t be afraid to ask what the parents might like to have done for them. This way they won’t feel that you’re trying to ‘take over’. It’s best to establish right from the beginning that you will tell them honestly if it is impossible for you to come at any particular time. That way they won’t be afraid to make requests and will be less likely to take offence if you can’t oblige. To start with too high a level of assistance, which you cannot sustain, can cause misunderstandings and disappointment on both sides. Honesty is undoubtedly the best policy.

Top 10 Gifts for Young Babies

It can be quite irritating for parents to be given 25 teddies for their newborn when so many useful and stimulating toys are now available for young babies. Of course, you’ll want to buy things, but it’s probably a good idea to check with the parents first to see what they have already bought or been given. I know one proud grandmother who turned up with a large, expensive baby bouncer, only to find that the parents had just been out to buy one exactly the same. You might consider buying:

A baby gym – an activity frame that you put over the baby as it lies on its back

A mobile: preferably a ‘Stim Mobile’ with bold black-and-white graphics that the young baby’s eyes can easily see

A musical light show: a wind-up ‘son et lumière’ that projects a moving display of pictures on the ceiling or wall to the accompaniment of soothing music

Books or cards with stimulating bright geometric patterns: newborns can focus more easily on patterns with marked contrasts and are usually fascinated by them

A wobble globe: a kind of rattle on a sucker that can be fixed to flat surfaces and is a great distraction during nappy changes

A sound and texture toy: for instance, the octopuses/snakes that are made out of variously textured materials, and make different noises: rattles, squeaks, etc.

Jack-in-the-box: from birth babies love ‘now you see it, now you don’t’ toys

Stacking cups: a classic and inexpensive toy that will be played with throughout babyhood

Activity mat: a soft, brightly coloured mat boasting a range of attractions for babies – from mirrors to dials and flaps

Activity centre: a similar multi-activity toy that encourages the baby to press, pull, look and listen

‘My mother was a nightmare just after Elly was born. She kept coming round with friends and neighbours for them “just to take a little peek at my grandchild”. She never seemed to think that it might be an awkward time or that there were other things that needed to be done. They’d stay for hours and I’d end up having to make tea for them all and falling behind with everything else. If it hadn’t been for Roy’s dad, I think I’d have gone mad. He was really helpful. He did my shopping all the time, brought us in takeaways and he even changed Ellie’s nappies once or twice. I told him that he really is a New Man!’

Breastfeeding – the Big Issue!

Try to be as supportive as possible of the mother’s breastfeeding. Recent research has shown that ‘breast is best’, offering an instant, perfectly balanced diet for the new baby, which enhances the infant’s immune system and seems also to decrease the chances of the child developing allergies and certain other illnesses in later life. It can also strengthen the mother-child relationship and seems to give enormous satisfaction to the baby, who may find instant and reliable comfort from the breast.

But breastfeeding isn’t always easy at first. The baby may seem to refuse the breast, have difficulty ‘latching-on’ properly, or nipple suck, causing pain and distress to the mother. If this is the case, rather than try to dissuade her from continuing, you might suggest that she ask the nurse, midwife or health visitor to advise her on positioning the baby correctly at the breast, changing breasts and other such helpful solutions. If you breastfed, you may be able to offer this advice yourself; but if you didn’t, the kindest thing you can do is to support and encourage her, rather than make her feel that she has in some way failed. Breastfeeding is a very emotive issue, and the feeling that she cannot feed her baby can deeply disturb a mother and knock her confidence.

Of course there are women who may not be able to or do not wish to breastfeed. The choice must lie with the mother. It is her body and only she can decide what is possible and practicable for her.

So whatever route she chooses – breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, it is best to be as positive as possible to the parents and be careful not to increase any anxieties that they may have. After all, lots of healthy, happy and strapping people were reared on the bottle (and I don’t mean gin!) and lots on the breast. Remember the old saying:

And still the baby thrives and grows, and how it does, God only knows!

Bottle-feeding – the Routine

Even if you did it with your own children, bottle-feeding can be rather daunting. The sterilizing, the mixing, the warming – it can all be too much like a science exam (with the parents as invigilators!). But, happily, it needn’t be like this. Once you are in the routine, it will be as easy as riding the proverbial bicycle. Wash your hands thoroughly, then:

1 WASH THE BOTTLES AND TEATS

Use hot water and detergent in a clean washing-up bowl. With a bottlebrush, wash the bottles, teats, discs, rings and caps inside and out to remove all traces of milk, not forgetting rims and crevasses (force water through the holes in the teats). Now rinse the bottle parts under a cold mains tap.

2 STERILIZE THE BOTTLES AND TEATS BY ONE OF THE FOLLOWING METHODS:

Boiling: immerse the bottle parts in a pan of boiling water, cover and simmer for 10 minutes. Then either fish them out on to a plate rinsed in hot water or leave them to cool in the water, keeping the pan covered, and use when required.