Your First Grandchild: Useful, touching and hilarious guide for first-time grandparents

Steaming: use a purpose-designed electric steam sterilizer according to the manufacturer’s instructions.

Microwaving: use a purpose-designed microwave sterilizer, again according to the manufacturer’s instructions.

Chemical sterilization: immerse bottles and teats in a plastic container containing the appropriate mixture ofwater and sterilization chemicals (either in tablet or liquid form). Rinse with boiled, cooled water before use.

3 MAKE UP THE FEED

Thoroughly wash and dry your hands. Read the instructions on the milk extremely carefully and follow them to the letter. Pour into the bottle (or bottles – you can make enough for one day’s feeding and keep them in the fridge if you like) the recommended amount of boiled, cooled water. Now, with a well-washed and rinsed scoop (filled so as to be level), add the appropriate amount of milk powder. Put the bottle together with the cap firmly on and shake vigorously until the milk has a smooth, even consistency.

4 WARM THE FEED

It’s best to warm the feed the old-fashioned way, in a bowl of warm water, rather than in a microwave, which can heat unevenly; then check the temperature by dropping a little milk on to your wrist. When the drops feel slightly warm, it’s ready for the baby. (If you are in a hurry, and do resort to the microwave, shake the heated bottle very well to mix in any hot spots and never forget to check the temperature of the milk before feeding.)

5 FEED!

With the baby in the crook of your arm, give the bottle for as long as she seems happy sucking. But keep watching (and don’t go to sleep if it’s the middle of the night!). If she seems to be having any trouble swallowing the milk, remove the bottle to give her a breather.

This is the basic routine. The parents may have their own particular variations, such as, for instance, using salt to remove all traces of milk from the teat. It might be a good idea to ask them to give you a quick demonstration before you have to look after the baby and make up feeds on your own.

Try to remember that the breastfeeding/bottle-feeding debate has progressed since you had your children. To breastfeed was extremely unfashionable in the 1960s when, in an upwardly mobile society, it was even thought by some that it betrayed working-class roots! And any mother who had the temerity to breastfeed a baby in public was considered a danger to public morals.

Breastfeeding in Public

Whatever your feelings on the subject, try not to feel (or at least, try not to show) embarrassment if your daughter or daughter-in-law chooses to breastfeed her baby in public. This can be difficult for some of us who are not used to the idea – especially perhaps for a grandfather who is not related to the mother by blood. One such confessed to me, rather shamefacedly, that he suddenly realized his disapproval was because of a secret fear that he might find the spectacle arousing.

For those who do find the whole issue a tricky one, I would say … remind yourself that this is the natural process. It’s a wonderful thing that a mother has ready, in no matter what circumstances, a source of nourishment for her baby that is perfect in every way (even the consistency of the milk changing to suit the baby’s need throughout the feed). Whilst she is feeding the baby, you can rest assured that she will be totally unaware of anything but the satisfaction of her baby’s hunger, and that the last thing she will be thinking of is appearing provocative, either of sexual or shocked reactions.

In the days when breastfeeding in public was not quite the done thing, I remember attending the rehearsal of a chamber-music concert. Between bouts of playing, a young woman cellist sat on a sunny windowsill and freely breastfed her little son, who had been sleeping in a Moses basket by her feet as she played. Her musician companions seemed entirely at ease with the situation – the making of music was all that mattered – and it struck me at the time that the breastfeeding seemed as natural as the flow of the music.

When I had my daughter in 1964, my obstetrician said briskly, ‘You’re planning to go back to work? Then don’t even consider breastfeeding.’ I have always regretted this decision being taken for me when I was not in any state to consider the alternative. The same obstetrician came in one day and was extremely unpleasant to me, making me burst into tears. That’s better,’ he said. ‘You were being too cheerful. I always like my new mothers to have a good cry. It saves them from having the “baby blues”’ Thank goodness attitudes have radically changed since then!

Peggy Writes

Mum very kindly stayed with me for a while after Sky was born, and was wonderful – prepared to do anything and totally willing to fit in with my desire to breastfeed (practically all day at the outset) and have the baby in the bed. She did far more than her fair share and made sure that everything was running smoothly, but I have to admit that I was a nightmare. Emotionally. I felt all over the place, and it was she who took the brunt of my mood swings. I think I’m so sure of her devotion, that I sometimes take her for granted anyway, and – as all I was thinking about was my new baby – probably didn’t even offer her so much as a cup of tea the whole time she was staying with us. Typically, she didn’t complain and made the very best of things, but I wish I had thought about her needs more. Sometimes we parents forget that grandparents have feelings too!

From the couples I have talked to, I am left in no doubt at all that tactful help and support during the immediate postnatal period is one of the most important services grandparents can render. It is also a wonderful opportunity to get to know the new member of the family. There’s nothing like walking up and down rocking a baby and having the satisfaction of seeing it fall gently to sleep to bring out all one’s most tender feelings.

Marge: ‘When my daughter brought the baby home, I spent the first night with her. There was an utterly terrifying midwife who insisted on covering everything with newspaper. We were both scared stiff of her and really glad when she left for good.’

Sophie: ‘After the birth I came into my own. I stayed with the parents for 10 days and did everything. When I left my daughter told me she couldn’t have done without me. They bought me perfume and I felt really wanted and valued. My own mother-in-law had been a nightmare. She came to stay after my first baby was born and just sat around chainsmoking and saying, “What are we having for lunch?”’

Kay: ‘I stayed with my daughter for the immediate postnatal period. It all came back to me no trouble. I had been like a single parent to my two because my husband buzzed off to Turkey and left me when they were really young. I found I was not as anxious as I had been with mine. I’m so much wiser now than I was then – I was terrible with my own children.’

Martin: ‘The other grandparents were the ones who lived near so they got to do all the helping when our granddaughter was born. We visited the hospital just after the birth and thought Tracy was the most gorgeous baby, all six pounds of her, that we had ever seen. But then we had to go back to Virginia. We felt jealous of the other pair, I can tell you. We needn’t have, but we did. We would love to have done the babysitting. The only one good thing about the distancebetween us was that our visits were always treated as a great event and Tracy never took us for granted.’

Paul Writes

I was 16 when my brother was born and very often I was the only person who could get him to sleep. I would walk up and down with him snuggled into my shoulder and find myself repeating the chant my father had soothed us with when we were young. He was Scottish and he used to murmur. ‘Shoo-shuggy, shoo-shuggy. shoo-shuggy … ’ When Peggy brought Sky home from the hospital, my putting-babies-to-sleep skills were again in demand. I was actually feeling quite stressed at the time because I had an important first night approaching. As I rocked this new baby in my arms and repeated my father’s mantra of ‘Shoo-shuggy’, I felt myself relax. When my grandson’s eyelashes began to droop and his breathing steadied into a quiet rhythm. I found myself as calm as he was. It is very satisfying to help a baby go to sleep.

Help! He Won’t Stop Crying – a Grandparents’ Checklist

Pick him up, cuddle him and gently rock him over your shoulder as you walk about the room. Talk gently to him or sing to him to soothe him. Still crying? Could it be that he is:

hungry?

tired?

wet or dirty?

too hot or cold?

uncomfortable – might, for instance, the nappy tabs be chafing his legs?

missing Mummy or Daddy?

bored?

in pain?

ill?

Once you have offered food, changed the nappy, removed or added a layer of clothing, offered stimulation, the chance to sleep or whatever else you think the baby needs, the crying should stop. But if it doesn’t, don’t panic – it’s very unlikely to be anything serious. Try playing the baby some music, strapping on the sling (if your back will take it) and walking about, or even – a famous last resort – taking him for a drive in his car seat. After about half an hour of crying, though, it’s usually best to contact the parents – if you can. They may have the answer or may at least come to relieve you! But if they are not available and you are concerned that the child might be ill, don’t hesitate to call the baby’s or your own doctor.

Close Encounters (with Nappies)

The first time you change the nappy of this tiny new baby, you may feel a little nervous because the chances are that you won’t have encountered disposables before. Although fabric nappies are being used again to an extent, most parents still prefer disposables.

You may also have the eagle-eyed young parents watching your every move to see that you do it right. Try to take any helpful advice with equanimity. ‘No, Dad, not like that! You’re putting it on back to front’ – ‘Mother! Watch out! He’s peeing all over you!’ Such remarks are just part and parcel of the re-learning experience.

Tricks of the Nappy-changing Trade

To put the changing mat on the floor is probably best because then there is no risk of the baby falling, though you may prefer to use a changing table (in which case, don’t turn your back for a second – even with a new, supposedly helpless baby).

You will need:

a clean nappy

a nappy-sack to receive the soiled nappy

a bowl of warm (but not hot) water

cream

cotton wool

tissues or kitchen-roll

a toy for the baby to look at or hold