Not That Easy

‘Exactly! I’d be the worst wife ever.’

‘But, honestly, El, I think coming to meet the schoolgirls will be good for you. They’ll all be super impressed with what you’re doing, you’ll realise they’re not the “Mean Girls” you thought they were in Year Ten, and it will distract you from everything else that’s going on.’

‘Oh fine. So long as you promise to still come round to mine on Saturday for commiseration drinks? I’ll get Emma on board.’

‘Deal.’

I walked into Chotto Matte in Soho feeling as if I should be waiting tables rather than eating. My skinny jeans and oversized jumper may have looked casually chic in the office, but now I felt underdressed and frumpy. Especially when I followed the waiter down to our table and saw fifteen models sitting there.

‘Oh my God, Ellie,’ squealed Maisie. ‘You look amazing. It’s so good to see you. I can’t believe how long it is!’

She pulled me into a hug. ‘You look great too,’ I said lamely. ‘Really nice to see you.’

The rest of the girls turned around and enveloped me in turn, so I had to repeat the exact same small talk fifteen times. By the time I got to Lara, I gave her a death stare. I was an idiot for ever thinking this would be a good idea.

We sat down and I gulped at the prices on the menu. There was a sharing option that started at £40 per person. Without drinks—of which I would be needing many to get through this dinner. Fuck. Maybe I could just get a side and feign being full from a large lunch?

‘So, how have things been?’ cried Polly. ‘It’s been forever. I hear you’re working for London Mag these days—that’s pretty cool. Is it amazing?’

‘Um, yeah, I guess so. Minus the psycho boss, the long hours and the fact that I don’t get paid for it.’

‘Shit,’ she said with a momentary frown crossing her Botoxed face. OK, it wasn’t Botoxed, but no doubt it would be in ten years.

‘How are you anyway?’ I asked.

‘Oh, amazing,’ she said, the frown disappearing. ‘Like, obviously it’s so intense working in law, but the work is so great, and I love the people. Also, Alex works for Goldman Sachs next door, so we basically just share cabs home the entire time, and he lives round the corner in this amazing penthouse apartment his parents got him, so it’s ideal.’

‘Wow, that’s, um, amazing,’ I said.

Lara caught my eye and snorted.

‘So how did you meet Alex?’ asked Lara. ‘I’ve seen pictures on Facebook, but I haven’t met him yet. It sounds like it’s all going well though?’

‘Yeah, it’s so good. I’m so lucky. We actually met through mutual friends at uni, but we didn’t really get together until this summer. He’s really nice. You’d like him. I think he knows Jez actually—are you two still hooking up?’

Lara groaned. ‘Sadly, yes. I do plan on ending it soon, but the sex is just so good … I mean, he’s a commitment-phobic idiot, but we’re having fun, so I guess it kind of works for now.’

‘Ah, I know what you mean,’ said Polly. ‘We’ve all been there, don’t worry. I reckon as soon as you find someone new, you’ll totally forget him.’

‘Yeah, maybe I’ll meet an incredibly eligible lawyer when I start my training,’ said Lara.

‘What? No, you cannot date your colleagues,’ cried Polly. ‘Trust me. That’s a recipe for disaster. Hey, what about you, Ellie, are you seeing anyone?’

‘Um, no, not right now.’

‘Oh, right,’ she said, eyes glazing over.

‘But I did have a thing with someone at the end of uni,’ I continued.

‘Oh my God, tell me everything!’

‘Well, it was just this guy called Jack. He was an artist, quite a few years older than me. We were dating for a while, we slept together, and it was all good.’

‘Um, and then what?’ asked Lily. I realised that by now the whole table was listening to me. ‘Oh my God, did you lose your virginity?! Shit, Ellie, that’s huge!’

I smiled weakly. I’d forgotten how gossip-hungry everyone at school had been. Considering I’d been one of the few girls to graduate with my virginity, the state of my hymen was clearly pretty big news.

‘Yep,’ I said. ‘Jack took my V-plates.’

‘Ahhh!’ everyone shrieked in excitement. ‘OMG, congrats, Ellie. How was it? That’s amazing—tell us everything.’

This was why I’d never send my daughter to an all-girls school—no question was off limits. At one point we’d even known each other’s period cycles.

‘It was good. I mean, we only did it the once, but it was fine. It didn’t really hurt.’

‘Oh my God, amazing. So then what happened?’ asked Katie.

Oh shit. Now I had to tell them that Jack hadn’t really cared about me and then gave me ‘the clap’. So much for trying to come across as new cool Ellie who has her shit together—this just proved I was the same girl who managed to bite a guy’s penis.

I glanced at Lara. She wouldn’t care if I lied. I looked at the girls. They were all sitting open-mouthed, waiting for the next instalment. I don’t think they’d ever been so interested in me when I was the virgin at school. Maybe I should go with the truth—if they wanted gossip, I could definitely provide that.

‘So … a few days later, we went for coffee and he told me how much he believed in true love, and that he’d never felt this way before.’ The girls gasped collectively. ‘Only, then he said that “Luisa” had changed his life. It turned out he wasn’t talking about me—he was talking about someone else.’

‘Oh my God, no way. That’s insane,’ said Lily. ‘I can’t believe that actually happened.’

‘Do you know what’s even worse?’ They all shook their heads. ‘Luisa had chlamydia.’

‘Wait, do you mean …?’

‘I got chlamydia from the one time I had sex.’

The girls burst into laughter, and I grinned with them. I’d never had a sex story to make them laugh before. Normally, it was me sitting there open-mouthed listening to their stories, but being the centre of everything was definitely more fun.

‘That is so funny, Ellie,’ said Maisie. ‘I mean, he sounds like a total wanker, but at least you got a good story out of it.’

‘Yeah, a story and an STD in exchange for my maidenhood. Not a bad deal.’

She laughed in response. ‘Exactly. Hey, Cass, didn’t you get chlamydia twice at uni? That was hysterical.’

‘OK, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was from the same guy.’

‘I’m not so sure that makes it better, Cass,’ said Lara. ‘But if it makes you feel better, I once did something even worse. I broke Jez’s penis.’

‘What?’ I cried. ‘How have I not heard this story?’

‘Shit, did I never tell you?’ she said. ‘God, it was a couple of years ago now. I think you must have been away. It was so funny though. I was on top, and I think the angle was weird, because suddenly he screamed. I got off him and his penis was, like, bent in half. We had to go to hospital and it turned out that I’d given him a penile fracture.’

‘Oh my God, that’s hilarious,’ cried Lily, after we’d all stopped laughing. ‘Reminds me of when I ripped Max’s foreskin in Year Nine after a pretty vigorous hand job.’