Not That Easy

Black clothing (am not a goth. Black is just my colour)

Tortellini (only thing I can cook)

Cheese (ditto)

The internet

Support bras

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Being a woman and a feminist in the twenty-first century. Very challenging when people think it means you’re a hairy lesbian.

On a typical Friday night I am:

Passed out drunk in an alleyway. Normally with my friends lying on top of me.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

I was a virgin until twenty-one.

I’m looking for:

Whatever you can give me.

You should message me if:

You read to the bottom of this and still want to date me.

N.B. Bonus points if you can spell

‘So, what do you guys think?’ I asked. There was a four-second silence while Lara and Emma looked at each other.

‘Um, it’s … very honest,’ said Emma slowly. ‘The virgin thing is particularly, uh … Ellie, why did you put that in?’

‘Because I want to be honest. I feel like this is a chance for me to meet guys who like me for me, and respect me. I just want to make sure I end up sleeping with someone who doesn’t care that I only just lost my V-plates.’

‘Yeah, you’re going to have to take that out,’ said Lara bluntly. ‘And—support bras? You want to seduce these men, not scare the shit out of them. Also, the 36Ds? Ellie, that’s just cheap, as is the fact that you’re looking for whatever they can give you.’

‘That was flirty,’ I said hotly.

‘Is the fact that you can only cook pasta and are clearly having an existential crisis flirty too?’ she asked.

Emma nodded in agreement. ‘Babe, they don’t need to know all this stuff up front. Maybe just tone it down a bit?’ She looked at my crestfallen face. ‘I mean, I love that it’s so you, but I’m not really sure it works. Like, the passed out drunk in an alleyway part sounds a bit … wrong.’

Lara snorted with laughter and I turned to her angrily. ‘It isn’t wrong. It’s just funny. I said I’m good at making my friends laugh and I was trying to prove my point.’ They were now both laughing hysterically into their glasses of rosé. ‘Ugh, whatever. If you think you can do better, why don’t you take over?’

‘I thought you’d never ask,’ said Lara, grabbing the laptop. ‘Come on, Emma, let’s fix this.’

ELK12322, London

My self-summary:

I live in East London and work in the media. Studied English at uni and am now wondering why.

What I’m doing with my life:

Interning for a high-profile online magazine.

I’m really good at:

Making my friends laugh.

The first things people usually notice about me:

My smile.

Favourite books, movies, shows, music and food:

Love romcoms, old Disney films and trashy American TV.

Listen to everything from old-school rap to drum and bass.

Favourite authors range from Jane Austen to Jack Kerouac.

The six things I could never do without:

My friends

Clothes

Alcohol

Coffee

Novels

Saturday nights

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

How fun last weekend was.

On a typical Friday night I am:

Out drinking with my friends.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: