A Cure for All Diseases

– some initial unease – lots of loose talk about lunatics & lepers – Tom replied – country folk are ready to believe the worst of strangers – but they also have an innate trust in authority. Round here that means Lady D & – to a lesser extent – myself. Once we showed the way – they followed – & suspicion has long been replaced by pride –

– the jobs & the extra income helped – observed Mary dryly.

The gate-man was saying into his phone – no definitely not – nobody in the last hour – yes – Ill keep an eye out – dont imagine hell go far dressed like that! –

He switched off – turned back to the car & said – sorry Mr Parker – one of our convies has gone walkabout – elderly gent – might be a bit confused – Id best bring his photo up on the computer. See you soon I hope –

– you too Stan – said Parker.

Mary set the car forward. Ahead the road began its descent to the village.

– Convies? – I said – thinking convicts!

– what? – Oh thats what the staff call those staying at the convalescent home. Patients at the clinic are clinnies – & residents of the nursing home are rezzies. What they call the staff I dont know – Mary – take care! –

Mary Parker – as I have said – drove very carefully – & shed stayed in low gear for the descent – so we werent doing much more than twenty miles an hour when she slammed the brakes on.

All the same – the sudden stop threw me forward – & I was glad for once Id obeyed the law & fastened my rear seat belt.

As they say – it all happened so quickly – but I still had time to glimpse a man rolling down the embankment rising steeply on the left to the Clinics boundary hedge.

Then he bounced into the road & vanished under our wheels.

Everything stood still. The car – time – our hearts. We were all convinced wed run him over. But surely there would have been a bump? – I told myself.

Then there was one. Or at least the car shuddered.

For a moment this felt like a delayed confirmation of our worst fears.

But that didnt make sense. You cant run over someone after youve stopped!

Even as I reached this logical conclusion – a broad-domed almost bald head began to rise like a full moon over the horizon of the bonnet – & I realized that the shudder had been caused by the man gripping the front of the car to pull himself up.

He leaned on the bonnet. Heavily. There was enough of him to suggest that – if there had been a bump – it would have been a big one!

He stared at us unblinkingly – out of the kind of face movie animators dream up for ogres.

His mouth twisted in a snarl – & he spoke.

It took a moment to register that in fact the snarl was a smile – & the words he spoke werent a threat – but a greeting.

He said – how do folks – what fettle? –

Now he moved round the side of the car. He walked slowly – like a bear that would have preferred to be on all fours – rather than upright. He gave Tom & Mary – still paralysed by the shock – a friendly nod in passing. Then he took hold of the rear door – & pulled it open – & looked in at me.

– how do lass – he said – heading for the village? –

I nodded – not trusting myself to speak.

– grand – he said – room for a little un? –

& – without waiting for an answer – he pulled himself in alongside me.

Up to this point – Id thought he was wearing a garishly striped summer shirt & a casual woollen jacket – but now I saw him clearly – & I thought – oh shit!

He was dressed in pyjamas & a dressing gown. On his left foot was a leather slipper. His right foot was bare. There were leaves clinging to him & thorns sticking into him. His face bled through a few light scratches.

But looking at him more closely – as I had no choice but to do – I realized hed suffered more physical damage than could be explained merely by pushing through a hedge – & rolling down the bank into the road.

There was a lot of him – but a kind of pallor & the looseness of the skin on that broad face suggested that there used to be a lot more. Your nurses eye would probably have done a full diagnosis in half a sec – but even I could see enough to work out hed recently been very ill.

An escaped loony – I thought! Then I recalled the gate-mans phone call. This had to be the convie whod gone missing – a bit of a relief – though not much!

He said – youll know me again luv –

I realized Id been staring.

I said – yes – sorry – hello – Im Charlotte Heywood –

Automatically I offered my hand. Good manners never hurt anyone – remember dad drumming that into us? Then hed head out across the fields – to chase some daft bugger off his land – with his shot gun!

The escaped convie took it – & held it in a surprisingly gentle grip.

– glad to meet you – he said – Andy Deal –

– Tom Parker. My wife Mary – said Tom – are you all right? –

– grand – he replied – nifty bit of driving that luv. Lot of women I know would have run me over – while they were still looking for the brake –

Somehow it came out as a genuine compliment.

Mary – reassured – gave him a smile & started the car again.

I realized the man was still holding my hand. He peered into my face & said – Heywood – thas not one of Stompy Heywoods brood out at Willingden – are you? –

– Steve Heywoods my father – I said – but Ive never heard him called Stompy –

– thats likely cos tha never got in his way at the bottom of a loose scrum. Aye – I thought I could see a likeness –

Being told I resembled dad wasnt the biggest compliment Id ever had! I dont – do I? Answer yes – & Ill publish details of your steamy affair all over the internet!

I snatched my hand free – & gave him a glower – & he grinned as if this confirmed his identification.

Ahead of us a banner stretched high across the road – & inscribed Welcome to Sandytown – Home of the Healthy Holiday – told us we were now entering the village. Except it wasnt a village – more a small town. Usually when you go back to places you recall as a kid – everything seems to have shrunk – could impress you with the physiological explanation for this phenomenon – but I wont! Sandytown was different – very much bigger than I recalled – looking prosperous too – our route took us past several shops – a small supermarket doing good business – an art & craft gallery – a working pottery – a jolly café – a Thai takeaway – & a sea food restaurant called Mobys!

The cobbled streets were clean & litter-free – the buildings freshly painted & well kept. Distantly I could see bathers sporting in the dark blue waves of the sea – & holidaymakers taking thier ease in deck chairs set on the golden sand. Posters everywhere showing an outline map of Yorkshire – with a big cross on the coast – & the legend – SANDYTOWN IS OUR TOWN – LETS PUT IT ON THE MAP! – while across the main street hung a banner reading FESTIVAL OF HEALTH – August Bank Holiday.

Maybe the Headbanger didnt bring us here at all – but found some run-down shanty town to put us off family trips forever!