A Cure for All Diseases

Tom Parker – clearly delighted at these signs of activity – gave a running commentary on each individual attraction – & occasionally leant out of the open window to greet pedestrians – as Mary drove us slowly along.

– right luv – this ull do me – said Mr Deal suddenly.

I looked out & saw an old freshly whitewashed building displaying a sign which read The Hope & Anchor – licensee A. Hollis. One of the pig family? – I wondered. Mary pulled in. Deal leaned forward & said – Thanks for the lift luv. Sorry if I scared you back there. Lost me footing. Lost me bloody slipper too. Not to worry. I dont doubt Prince bloody Charming ull come looking for me. Tom – tha seems to be a local lad in good standing. I daresay tha gets on well with them up at the Avalon? –

– yes indeed – said Tom – I know Dr Feldenhammer very well – often visit –

Wrong answer – I thought. You cant survive as a student for 3 years without getting a nose for a touch!

– grand. Thing is – Im staying up there for a couple of nights – & I seem to have come out without me wallet. So if you could sub me a fiver – better still 10 – Ill leave it with old Fester for you to collect next time you call in – right? –

It would have taken a lot harder man than Tom Parker to refuse.

The money was passed over – 20 in the end I noticed – & Mr Deal got out.

He turned & said – thanks for the lift – missus – & for the loan – Tom –

For the first time Tom Parker got a real look at him – full length – standing by the open door – in his pyjamas – with one bare foot. It was clearly a shock – & I think that inside he was bidding a fond farewell to his 20 quid – but he still managed that beaming smile as he said – our pleasure – our very great pleasure – goodbye –

Now the man turned his gaze on me.

– bye luv – he said – remember me to your dad –

– bye Mr Deal – I said.

He moistened his lips & leaned forward. For a dreadful second I thought he was going to kiss me!

– Dee Ell – he said very distinctly – get that straight – else thall niver go to heaven. Dee Ell. Cheers –

He turned & limped into the pub.

– oh dear – said Tom – I doubt if theyll serve him – looking like that –

I said – would you refuse to serve him Tom? – He glanced round at me – then he smiled.

– you know – I dont believe I would! – he said – but the further adventures of Mr Dee Ell are no concern of ours! Mary – drive on. Lets get home & see the children! –

Which is what we did.

Minnie has just burst in again to tell me lunch is ready – knocking at doors must come late on the Parker curriculum! Better go. Watch this space for more exciting news from sunny Sandytown!

& dont forget that pic!

Love

Charley xx

5 (#u59003b9b-0c4f-5e4c-8c34-06aa4adbc1f4)

There! What do you think of that, Mildred?

I did it!

Jumped the gun, surprised myself even, and now I’m in disgrace, quacks tut-tutting and feeding me pills, matron’s bosom heaving like Moby Dick in a hurricane, Cap on the phone, spitting blood, and calling me a stupid infantile prat, and saying the only clothes she’ll be bringing me’s a change of nappies!

But it were worth it.

I think.

Cant say its done me a lot of good, but. To tell truth, I’m feeling a lot worse now than when I arrived here!

And I can’t even take credit for putting together a cunning plan.

In fact there were no plan at all.

Today the weather were so nice, they suggested I had my lunch outside. The grub’s pretty good, all fresh local stuff nicely cooked, but they don’t exactly pile your plate up. When I asked if I could have a pint of ale to wash it down, the lass serving me said, ‘Couple of days, maybe, Mr Dalziel. You’re still on assessment. No alcohol till your diet sheet’s been finalized, that’s the rule.’

She smiled as she said it, a real smile, nowt made up about it. I smiled back. Weren’t her fault, and she was a nice lass with a lovely bum which I admired as she walked away. But it did piss me off a bit, specially as I looked around the terrace where I was sitting and saw half a dozen old farts at another table supping vino and wearing real clothes, like they were on holiday on the Costa Saga.

But sod it, I thought. No reason not being dressed for dinner should stop me taking a stroll around to explore the place. They’ve started me on physio with Tony down in this little gym. Queer as a clockwork orange, but he knows his stuff, and though I’m still a long way off Olympic qualifying, I’m feeling a lot lisher than when I came.

I checked there were no one looking, then stood up and went down the steps from the terrace with a lot of care. Didn’t fancy breaking me other leg!

Once on the lawn, I just meant to have a bit of a wander, but I’m still best in a straight line and as I’d got up a fair head of speed, I just kept going with the house at my back till I found myself ploughing through some shrubbery.

Here I stopped and checked back. The house were out of sight. That would get the buggers worrying, I thought. Bit childish, mebbe. But if they’re going to treat me like a kid, I might as well enjoy myself like one!

So on I went till finally I came up against the boundary hedge. Thick and thorny. Good for keeping intruders out. And prisoners in!

I wandered along it for a while. I were beginning to feel knackered now and I was just thinking of setting off back when I spotted this gap.

Not a gap really. Just the point where two sections of hedge met but without getting all inter-twined.

I heard a car go by on the road. The road that led into Sandytown.

The road to freedom.

I felt sudden urge to take a look at it.

And why not? I thought. I’m not a prisoner! And my dressing gown’s one of the thick old tweedy kind, none of them flimsy cotton kimonos or whatever they call them.

So I took a bit of a run, or mebbe a slow trot’s nearer the mark, and got my shoulder into the breach.

Before my spot of bother I’d have walked through here, no trouble. But it turned out to be narrower than it looked and for a moment I thought mebbe I was going to get stuck and end up shouting for help.

Didn’t fancy that, so I gave one last heave and burst through on to the roadside verge.

Except it weren’t the kind of verge I expected, nice and flat and grassy. Instead it were a steep bank that fell away to the tarmac about twenty feet below.