Green Shadows, White Whales

“Pour some on my crutches,” he cried, “so I can move!”

Someone did.

It would have been pitiful had it not been ludicrous to see the gentry wandering with platefuls of hard rock-shrapnel cake, picking at it with forks, saying how delicious and demanding more.

On the third go-round the crowd turned brave, abandoned the vitrified cake, and filled their empty glasses with Scotch. Whereupon there was a general exodus toward the yard, with people feverishly seeking places to hide the last of the concrete cake fragments.

The hounds in the yard leaped, barking, and horses reared, and the Reverend Mr. Hicks hurried out ahead with what looked to be a double double in his fist, garrulous and cheerful, waving to what he thought were village Catholics near the hounds and Protestants by the horses. The villagers, stunned, waved back, in pretense of a religion they despaired of to the point of contempt.

“Did he …,” said Tom, behind me.

“Did he what?” Lisa sneezed.

“Did Mr. Hicks … did you hear him say, ‘I pronounce you man and wife’?”

“I think so.”

“What do you mean? Did he or didn’t he?”

“Something like.”

“Something like?” cried Tom. “Reverend …? Toward the end of the ceremony … ”

“Sorry about the living-in-sin bit,” said the reverend.

“Reverend Hicks, did you or did you not say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?”

“Ah, yes.” The reverend wrinkled his brow and took another snort. “Easily fixed. I now pronounce you man and wife. Go thou and sin some more.”

“And sin no more!” corrected Tom.

“Ah, yes,” said the Reverend Mr. Hicks, and wove himself into the crowd.

“I rather like that.” Lisa sneezed happily. “Go thou and sin some more. I hope you’ll be back early. I sent someone to dope the fox in hopes of an early night. Are you really going to climb on that silly horse with all those drinks?”

“I have only had six,” said Tom.

“Shit,” said Lisa. “I guessed it at eight. Can you really mount that damn horse drunk?”

“I’m in fighting trim. And I’ve never heard you swear. Why today!”

“The Reverend Hicks, in his sermon, said it was the end of the world. Can I help you up on the funny-looking steed?”

“No, my dear,” Tom said and laughed, because people were listening.

With great dignity he strode to his horse and propelled himself into the saddle. Through gritted teeth he said, “The stirrup cup!”