Aloha from Hell

Aloha from Hell
Richard Kadrey

All hail Sandman Slim, author Richard Kadrey’s ultra-extreme anti-hero and recent escapee from Hell.Legendary author William Gibson (Neuromancer) called Kadrey’s first deliciously twisted Slim adventure ‘an addictively satisfying, deeply amusing, dirty-ass masterpiece’, and in number three, Aloha from Hell, the ruthless avenger, a.k.a. Stark, finds himself trapped in the middle of a war between Heaven and Hell.With God on vacation, the Devil nosing around in Paradise, and an insane serial killer doing serious damage on Earth, Stark/Slim is ready to unleash some more adrenaline-surging, edgy and violent supernatural mayhem — and even pay another visit to Hell if necessary — which is great news for fans of Jim Butcher, Charlaine Harris, Kim Harrison, and Simon R. Green.

To Suzanna S, always inspiring

I sat upon the shore

Fishing, with the arid plain behind me

Shall I at least set my lands in order?

– T. S. ELIOT, The Waste Land

Gonna take a week off

Gonna go to Hell

Send ya a postcard

Hey I’m doin’ swell!

Wish you were here …

– THE CRAMPS, Aloha from Hell

Table of Contents

Title Page (#u61b1be30-9edd-53bc-a6ca-496d1c80019d)

Dedication (#u27b71646-3013-5302-91e4-f6ae1c344481)

Epigraph (#u64a2d104-f4f8-55b9-8146-4e6e49a783bc)

“Tell me,” says the Frenchman. (#uf04e3736-f257-54e9-875d-e9a4659a8e8b)

I ask the night manager (#u01c8d8ea-710e-508d-a31e-ff6091df8c35)

I drive across town (#litres_trial_promo)

Jack is still on his back (#litres_trial_promo)

It isn’t hard to guess (#litres_trial_promo)

Also By Richard Kadrey (#litres_trial_promo)

Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

“TELL ME,” SAYS the Frenchman. “How long has it been since you last killed anything?”

He’s fucking with me. He knows the answer, but he wants to make me say it. Father Vidocq taking confession.

“I don’t know. What time is it?”

“That long, then?”

I shrug.

Vidocq and I are in a very dark room in a very large house full of very fashionable furniture and we’re stealing something very valuable. I have no idea what and pretty much don’t care. It’s just nice to be hanging out and doing some crimes with the old man. Crimes where no one ends up zombie meat, shot, or annoyingly decapitated.

“It’s been a while,” I say. “Six. Eight weeks. Somewhere around there.”

I slipped us into the house through a shadow. Vidocq is working on the wall safe. He’s good with safes. He’s had over a hundred years of practice.

“So, no crusades? No great wrongs that need to be righted?”

I reach into my pocket for a cigarette, then remember there might be smoke alarms.

“Nothing worth killing for. I’m no cop. The Sub Rosa has their own Mod Squad to deal with the small stuff.”

I like watching Vidocq work over a safe. He has hands like a surgeon. Nimble. Precise. He could thread a needle while being shot out of a cannon.

“Incroyable. Perhaps you’re reaching something of a rapprochement with your angelic half and it’s having a moderating effect on your disposition.”

Right. I’m part angel. Half, if you want to get picky about it. It’s great. A halo and five bucks will get you a cup of coffee in L.A.

“Maybe. The angel screams at me sometimes, mostly at night when I’m tired and he can ambush me with one of his Give-Peace-a-Chance, no-smoking, veggie-bacon sermons. But he isn’t trying to run the show single-handed anymore. We reached a kind of MAD pact the other day.”

Vidocq looks at me.

“MAD?”

“Mutually Assured Destruction. I told him that if he ever tried to push me out of my brain and turn me into a clean-living choirboy again, I’d have to do something, you know, unreasonable.”

“Such as?”

“I told him I’d get hammered and go through the Room of Thirteen Doors to the Pearly Gates. Then I’d find the Archangel Gabriel and thunderbolt-kick him in the cojones in front of all the other angels.”

“Whereupon the other angels would draw their swords and kill you.”

“Exactly. Mutually Assured Destruction.”

“That sounds much more like the old you.”

“Thanks.”