The Works of Robert Louis Stevenson – Swanston Edition. Volume 15

Dumont. That? That’s yours. I saw it drop.

Macaire. I give you my word of honour I heard it fall five minutes back.

Dumont. But I saw it.

Macaire. Impossible. It must be yours.

Dumont. It is like mine, indeed. How came it in your pocket?

Macaire. Bitten! (Aside.)

Bertrand. Sold again! (Aside) … You forget, Baron, it’s the key of my valise; I gave it you to keep in consequence of the hole in my pocket.

Macaire. True, true; and that explains.

Dumont. O, that explains. Now, all we have to do is to find mine. It’s a patent key. You heard it drop.

Macaire. Distinctly.

Bertrand. So I did: distinctly.

Dumont. Here, Aline, Babette, Goriot, Curate, Charles, everybody, come here and look for my key!

SCENE VI

To these, with candles, all the former characters, except Fiddlers, Peasants, and Notary. They hunt for the key

Dumont. It’s bound to be here. We all heard it drop.

Marquis (with Bertrand’s bundle). Is this it?

All (with fury). No.

Bertrand. Hands off, that’s my luggage. (Hunt resumed.)

Dumont. I heard it drop, as plain as ever I heard anything.

Marquis. By the way (all start up), what are we looking for?

All (with fury). O!!

Dumont. Will you have the kindness to find my key? (Hunt resumed.)

Curate. What description of a key —

Dumont. A patent, patent, patent, patent key!

Macaire. I have it. Here it is!

All (with relief). Ah!!

Dumont. That? What do you mean? That’s yours.

Macaire. Pardon me.

Dumont. It is.

Macaire. It isn’t.

Dumont. I tell you it is: look at that twisted handle.

Macaire. It can’t be mine, and so it must be yours.

Dumont. It is NOT. Feel in your pockets. (To the others.) Will you have the kindness to find my patent key?

All. O!! (Hunt resumed.)

Macaire. Ah, well, you’re right. (He slips key into Dumont’s pocket.) An idea: suppose you felt in your pocket?

All (rising). Yes! Suppose you did!

Dumont. I will not feel in my pockets. How could it be there? It’s a patent key. This is more than any man can bear. First, Charles is one man’s son, and then he’s another’s, and then he’s nobody’s, and be damned to him! And then there’s my key lost; and then there’s your key! What is your key? Where is your key? Where isn’t it? And why is it like mine, only mine’s a patent? The long and short of it is this: that I’m going to bed, and that you’re all going to bed, and that I refuse to hear another word upon the subject or upon any subject. There!

(Aline and Maids extinguish hanging lamps over tables, R. and L. Stage lighted only by guests’ candles.)

Charles. But, sir, I cannot decently retire to rest till I embrace my honoured parent. Which is it to be?

Macaire. Charles, to my —

Dumont. Embrace neither of them; embrace nobody; there has been too much of this sickening folly. To bed!!! (Exit violently R.U.E. All the characters troop slowly upstairs, talking in dumb show. Bertrand and Macaire remain in front C., watching them go.)

Bertrand. Sold again, captain?

Macaire. Ay, they will have it.

Bertrand. It? What?

Macaire. The worst, Bertrand. What is man? – a beast of prey. An hour ago, and I’d have taken a crust and gone in peace. But no: they would trick and juggle, curse them: they would wriggle and cheat! Well, I accept the challenge: war to the knife.

Bertrand. Murder?

Macaire. What is murder? A legal term for a man dying. Call it Fate, and that’s philosophy; call me Providence, and you talk religion. Die? Why, that is what man is made for; we are full of mortal parts; we are all as good as dead already, we hang so close upon the brink: touch a button, and the strongest falls in dissolution. Now, see how easy: I take you – (grappling him).

Bertrand. Macaire – O no!

Macaire. Fool! Would I harm a fly, when I had nothing to gain? As the butcher with the sheep, I kill to live; and where is the difference between man and mutton? pride and a tailor’s bill. Murder? I know who made that name – a man crouching from the knife! Selfishness made it – the aggregated egotism called society; but I meet that with a selfishness as great. Has he money? Have I none – great powers, none? Well, then, I fatten and manure my life with his.

Bertrand. You frighten me. Who is it?