The Long Road Ahead

They were going to be together for almost a whole weekend! The rest of today, and all day tomorrow – and although some of that time would have to be spent talking about their plans for the wedding – she knew that every hour would be full of pleasure. Just to be near him would see to that – and the love letter Sam had sent her on Sunday had made her walk on air afterwards, and for the rest of the week.

Now the doors opened and everyone tumbled out – and she was in his arms, which he wrapped around her, his mouth reaching for hers in such a natural way that she didn’t have time to feel embarrassed that others might be looking. And who cared, anyway? Alice had no cares, not when she was with Sam.

Finally, he released her, taking her overnight bag, then they walked towards the exit. He looked down at her and kissed the top of her head. ‘Sorry,’ he murmured. ‘Two whole weeks without seeing you have been unbearable. I’m making up for lost time.’

Alice snuggled into him. ‘Don’t mind me,’ she whispered.

He drove them back to Clifton with strangely little conversation going on – well, there was so much to say that it was difficult to know where to begin.

Alice glanced across at him. He seemed a bit withdrawn today – she’d thought so the moment they’d begun walking towards the car park. It wasn’t what he’d said, or what he hadn’t said, it was an air of moodiness, of something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Because Sam was never moody – well, she had never seen him in a mood and it wasn’t something you’d latch on to in a letter – but there was a sort of darkness in his manner which she hadn’t encountered before. She cleared her throat.

‘Are you feeling OK, Sam?’ she said quietly. Perhaps he had toothache or something…?

He smiled briefly but didn’t look at her as they drove on. ‘Perfectly OK, thanks,’ he said, ‘just a bit tired, that’s all…it’s been difficult this week at the hospital.’

‘Difficult days and being tired are fairly regular problems for you, I should think,’ Alice said, wanting him to expand…wanting him to tell her what was bothering him – because she knew that something definitely was. Sam seemed far away from her…almost aloof…and this was so unlike him. He was always so open, so honest…especially with her. ‘Tell me what’s been going on – in the operating theatre this week,’ she said cajolingly.‘You know how much I like to hear what you do all day.’

‘Oh – I don’t want to talk about any of it,’ he said at once, ‘not now… This is the weekend when I hope we shall be thinking about more pleasant things.’

Alice sat back in her seat and looked out of the window. She was right. There was something bothering him and he didn’t want to tell her about it. Then she almost froze inside. Surely it wasn’t something to do with her – and him? Even after his last lovely letter to her? What had happened to make him almost cut her off just then…something he never did?

She glanced across at him overtly. Perhaps this is what married life is going to be, she thought. Trying to read each other’s feelings, to interpret sudden changes of mood. To understand what was going on in the mind of the other, to know when to stop intruding, when to stop questioning.And not to keep on demanding explanations.

Alice sighed inwardly, feeling her spirits droop slightly. Being with someone, properly, consistently, was going to be vastly different from merely receiving his letters…

Apart from his somewhat polite enquiries about work, they barely spoke again before arriving at Clifton, but as soon as they set foot in the house and went into the kitchen, Betty rushed forward all smiles, and everyone began talking at once, with Betty exclaiming over and over again at how well Alice was looking, and at how lovely her engagement ring was.

‘Now, that ring might have been made especially for you, Alice,’ Betty said. ‘It sits so nicely, doesn’t it…and doesn’t it sparkle!’

‘Yes, it certainly does that, Betty,’ Alice said. ‘I’m…very lucky,’ she added.

‘Not as lucky as I am,’ Sam said, slipping his arm around her waist and looking down at her with such an expression in his eyes that Alice’s recent fears vanished. She could be so stupid sometimes…imagining troubles that weren’t there…

Presently, Betty said, ‘Now then, I’ve got you a light lunch as it’s rather late, but,’ she paused, ‘there’s something a bit special for dinner tonight.’ A broad smile spread across her generous features. ‘The professor will be here, and there might be one or two other guests as well,’ she added, clearly nursing a secret.

Sam looked at Betty, frowning briefly. He was clearly puzzled at that. ‘Oh…really, Betty?’

‘Yes, well – your brothers and sisters are all hoping to be with us – the professor told them that Alice was coming home for the weekend and that it was time they put in an appearance. And I said it didn’t matter to me who turned up – there’d be enough food for everyone.’ She folded her arms, looking up at Sam and Alice fondly. ‘Won’t it be lovely all to be…all to be together again…’ Betty’s voice trailed off. They would never “all” be together again, not with Madam, Helena, no longer there. Sam cut in.

‘I haven’t seen any of the twins since the memorial service,’ he said, trying not to feel disappointed that there was going to be a houseful, when what he’d hoped for – and expected – was a quiet weekend just for him and Alice. They had so much to discuss. As Betty turned away to put some dishes on the table he glanced down at Alice and mouthed – ‘sorry’.

She shook her head quickly. ‘It’s fine,’ she whispered. ‘I’m looking forward to seeing them all again,’ she said, raising her voice and going across to sit down. ‘This looks lovely, Betty, and I’m hungry.’ Well, breakfast was a long time ago, and they’d had a busy morning in the office, hardly stopping for coffee.

‘I remember how you always liked my baked gammon in cider,’ Betty said happily, ‘and there’s these nice new potatoes and some salad. Just enough to keep you going until later, so eat up, both of you.’

Sam sat down as well, and they both did as they were told, the succulent and tender gammon almost melting on their tongues.

Later, they put on their coats and made their way across the road and over towards the Downs. It was a fine, and rather chilly late afternoon with few people about, and Sam tucked Alice’s arm into his as they strolled across the familiar territory. She put her head back and took a long, deep breath, still hardly daring to believe that she was walking here with the love of her life, that her dreams had all come true.

‘It is such a long time ago that we did this, Sam,’ she murmured. ‘It used to be when you came home on holiday from boarding school, wasn’t it, and you’d tell me everything that had been going on… I used to love listening to you explain everything that you were having to learn…it helped me to learn things as well,’ she added. ‘Your life sounded so exciting, so demanding… and so clever. Though I didn’t envy you the food they gave you to eat. By the sound of it, it was hardly comparable to Betty’s, was it!’

‘Most of it was vile,’ Sam said cheerfully, ‘or we all thought so at the time. But – I don’t suppose it was, really. You know how fussy kids can be.’ He looked down at her, pulling her in more closely to him. ‘All the time I was there, do you know the thing I looked forward to most? Having one of your letters – no, honestly, I mean it. Having letters when you’re away from home helps to keep you going, and yours certainly helped to keep me going, Alice. As soon as I saw your writing on the envelope I couldn’t wait to rush upstairs and read your letter in private. And it always made me smile because you had such a funny way of saying things.’

‘And I loved having yours,’ Alice said. ‘I used to just soak up everything you said, everything you wrote. I remember wishing that I could dress up as a boy and come to your school too!’

He nodded. ‘You were certainly like a sponge, Alice…you always took in everything I told you, and I was constantly surprised at how you never forgot any of it. You were so anxious to learn, to be informed.’ He glanced down at her. ‘It was one of the many things I liked…admired…about you,’ he added.

Alice didn’t return his gaze, feeling slightly embarrassed. She hadn’t realized that Sam had ever admired her…not in that way. They’d always liked each other, that was obvious, but any admiration had been one way, or so she’d thought.

After a while they stopped walking, and stood to lean over the wall and look across at the suspension bridge: the scene, from a slightly different angle, which Alice had stared at from her bedroom window, all those years ago. And for a few seconds, she wished with all her heart that she could stop the clock. This really was like the old times, when she’d felt so relaxed, so happy, so confident, just being with Samuel Carmichael. But…wait…these new times were even more wonderful! Because the person she had always truly loved, had told her that he truly loved her! What could possibly spoil her peace of mind?

She frowned briefly. When you asked that sort of question, you were likely to provoke an answer you weren’t expecting. Because who could guarantee a permanent peace of mind – especially in a relationship? Things change, people change and – although her love for Sam would never change – she had acquired another, a different, side to her own personality that she hadn’t expected. Perhaps Fay’s influence was to blame, but Alice liked the feeling that she could stand on her own feet, could make her way in the world that need not involve staying at home all day just cooking and keeping house like most women had always expected was their lot. Since the war things were different…

Presently, Sam broke the silence – they’d hardly spoken for several minutes – ‘I had no idea that we were to be honoured by having the company of my brothers and sisters tonight,’ he said. ‘I only got back to Bristol myself this morning, and I haven’t seen my father yet today. But he clearly thought that my siblings should be here to congratulate me on my matrimonial choice…and to see you again, Alice. One good thing, there’ll hardly be any need for formal introductions,’ he added.

‘It will be lovely to see them all again,’ Alice said, remembering that the only recent times they had been together had been at Helena’s death bed, and at her December funeral and later memorial service.

Sam cut in on her thoughts. ‘I’m sure that the girls will be longing to ask you all the details about the wedding,’ he said. ‘I believe that women enjoy that sort of thing. And you, of all people, know what Rose and Margaret are like. They’ll be bombarding you with questions so have your answers ready!’

Alice shrank at the words. For a couple of hours she’d completely forgotten about the wedding and everything that went with it. She had been dwelling on the gentle past, and what she’d begun to view as the somewhat confused future… She cleared her throat.

‘Oh, I shall have some questions of my own to ask them,’ she said. ‘They are not very good at keeping in touch – and I’d like to know what they’re up to at the moment.’

‘Hmm, I think my father would like to know that as well,’ Sam said. ‘At twenty-two years old, with university behind them, they should have at least some idea of what they want to do. They were abroad with friends for part of last year, I do know that,’ he added.

Presently, as they began strolling back – ‘Tell me about your afternoon with your friends…Fay and Eve,’ Sam said. ‘Did you have a good time?’

Alice’s heart lifted at the words. ‘It was lovely,’ she said, ‘we always have such a fun time when we’re together. Fay is, well Fay is a rugged individual, shall we say, while Eve is the complete opposite. But our Evie had some wonderful things to tell us because her parents have come around to accepting her boyfriend – which she didn’t think would ever happen.’

‘Why not?’ Sam asked curiously.

‘Because he, Max, is a divorcee – or soon going to be,’ Alice said. ‘They don’t agree with divorce, you see.’

Sam shrugged briefly. ‘Well, it’s not the most desirable thing, I suppose,’ he said, ‘but if it happens, it happens. Life can be unpredictable.’

His remark didn’t surprise Alice. Sam was wise…a worldly-wise man. ‘And as for Fay – her news is that she’s learned to drive and bought herself a car,’ Alice went on. ‘She was quite excited about that, especially as it means she’s going to be able to take her mother and grandmother out for a little trip sometimes.’ Alice paused briefly. ‘She is very, very fond of them both,’ she added, ‘and actually lived with her grandmother for some years, because she and her father apparently never got on when she was at home.’ Alice looked up at Sam. ‘I cannot imagine not wanting to live with my parents, can you, Sam? When you were young? She was always going on about her father – said she hated him, and was always really rude about him which made us laugh, but which I thought was a shame…’ Alice didn’t go on. She’d had her own darling Papa for so few years of her life– he had died when she’d been ten years old – the thought of not wanting to live with him, not wanting to see him, seemed wicked and wrong.

‘Well, of course boarding school certainly causes some separation,’ Sam pointed out, ‘but the holidays soon come around, and knowing that my parents, the family, were all still there at home meant everything to me. And no, I can’t imagine not loving them.’ Then, after a moment – ‘I would really like to meet your friends,’ he said, ‘Fay and Evie…perhaps you could try and arrange something and I’ll do my best to fit in?’

Alice nodded. She couldn’t wait to introduce Sam to her two best friends. ‘As a matter of fact, we’re all going to be together next weekend,’ she said, glancing up at him, ‘because we’ve been asked to a party at the farm…it’ll be the first time we’ve been there since we were demobbed…but it’s Mrs. Foulkes’ birthday on Saturday and Roger – that’s their son – wants us to be there as a surprise.’ Alice smiled. ‘And of course Fay is going to drive us in her car… I hope we don’t get lost!’

‘Well, I’d certainly like to meet Fay and Eve before the wedding,’ Sam said, ‘and we must discuss the guest list soon, so that we can start thinking about reception venues.’

Alice glanced away briefly. If she was honest, what she would really like was for her wedding to Sam to be a quiet event, perhaps in a small country church somewhere, where no one knew them, and where it wouldn’t matter what her dress looked like. And if, God help her, she later turned out not to be the best wife for Samuel Carmichael after all, a quiet, simple wedding would barely be remembered for tongues to wag and gossip about afterwards…unlike a splashy, St. Mary Redcliffe affair.

Alice almost choked on those dreadful thoughts. Her wedding was months away, and here she was imagining the worst possible scenario even before it had happened! But she knew that part of this she could put down to reading constant news reportage of the current divorce rate, which had soared to unbelievable heights since the end of the war. The country’s freedom seemed to have given its people the desire to be free from all other restraints, the desire to look for other partners, unashamedly betraying their vows. It seemed that Holy Matrimony was no longer the thing it used to be – so what if that happened to her, and Sam discovered that she was not, after all, the one for him? What if they had set too much store on the past, on their letters to each other? Could she ever be, would she ever really, really feel herself Mrs. Carmichael of Clifton?

Rather than Miss Alice Watts of the second floor?