Articles of Faith

Articles of Faith
Russell Brand

This collection of Russell Brand's columns for The Guardian not only follows the drama and tumult of the domestic and international football season but also a season in the life of one of our most celebrated comic talents.Brand chronicles events both on and off the pitch as he travels between Upton Park and Hollywood. In his literary riffings, football legends and newfound heroes brush shoulders with a pantheon of cultural icons. Matches are won and lost, Brand's faith in his beloved West Ham tested, while the palette of company he keeps stretches from Morrissey to Gallagher to Gascoigne and back again.Managerial manoeuvres at Wigan are discussed in reference to Joe Orton and the mysteries of the souks. The departure of Mourinho sparks reminisces of the shapely arse of a previous girlfriend. Love blossoms in the unlikely form of Paolo DiCanio. Arsenal's fluidity and purpose brings to mind yogic coitus of Sting and Trudie Styler. And the fate of his beloved West Ham is seen in parallel with the workings of his legendary libido.'On what little things does happiness depend' he quotes Oscar Wilde - in football as in life.

Articles of Faith

Russell Brand

Table of Contents

Cover Page (#u2bfc0e1d-6445-5f7b-97de-3b392c8a1e39)

Title Page (#u17e4f84f-f241-5c08-8c26-f40be47ef698)

Introduction (#u96423fb9-a5ae-516d-b893-fc855c76f8ee)

1 This year I’ll ride the snake like a soccer shaman (#u1e380f18-924b-522f-9dc1-af0abc8319d6)

2 A pitch-perfect ending to a sadly familiar song (#u5e7ba591-7cfe-5c2c-a859-0ead87262615)

3 A pledge is not enough to make England shine (#u82a7d24f-2ad4-533a-a2f4-e1d619d8c012)

4 Dark lore of Dyer and the Hammers’ hex (#ub49ffa1d-c675-532a-9349-8fcd6460db85)

5 Never mind Israel, I’ve been beaten by Bohemia (#u47249a42-0a2f-5294-bc75-98b77146a572)

6 Repent, for the kingdom of Steve is at hand (#uf18c49b7-857d-5c7b-9de1-f1dad7503a70)

7 Chelsea too small for these two randy stags (#u3513fb1e-85a8-54ea-a13b-09bf1ce8ba09)

8 His Grace Arsène, the shaman of our football (#ud1a90293-3b15-5202-affc-d99f397dba86)

9 Whatever next? Joe Cole on stilts? (#uabeb5edd-745b-5b2c-9418-f9c2dd5ca4b5)

Interview between Russell Brand and David Baddiel (#uceaa1cc3-b955-57aa-bbbe-f0a451c64db5)

10 My cathode carnival with Sir Alex turning green (#litres_trial_promo)

11 Who’s to blame for my impotent rage? (#litres_trial_promo)

12 First rule for life in the lounge: no swearing (#litres_trial_promo)

13 East will always be east for lovers of freedom (#litres_trial_promo)

14 My view from afar of Fergie’s flirtatious feuding (#litres_trial_promo)

15 I need a new way to feed my England habit (#litres_trial_promo)

16 This crimson blot will take three years to fade (#litres_trial_promo)

17 José makes my day…in another dimension (#litres_trial_promo)

18 Barwick must atone for the sins of his fathers (#litres_trial_promo)

19 Capello’s trunks more titillating than his titles (#litres_trial_promo)

Interview between Russell Brand and James Corden (#litres_trial_promo)

20 Inner sanctums reveal soul of Hammers family (#litres_trial_promo)

21 Watching Arsenal, thinking of Sting and Trudie (#litres_trial_promo)

22 Don’t let Harry head north for shooting practice (#litres_trial_promo)

23 If Keegan’s a messiah I want the Cockney Moses (#litres_trial_promo)

24 Is Morrissey talking the language of West Ham? (#litres_trial_promo)

25 Well done stern Fabio for defying our emotions (#litres_trial_promo)

26 Let’s revolt against Lucre-more’s ludicracy (#litres_trial_promo)

27 Potassium-rich fruit has no place in football (#litres_trial_promo)

Interview between Russell Brand and Noel Gallagher (#litres_trial_promo)

28 A lament for Gazza, whose gift became his curse (#litres_trial_promo)

29 Congratulations to Spurs for their lowly bauble (#litres_trial_promo)

30 Is this the right fertiliser for Grays’ grassroots? (#litres_trial_promo)

31 What’s the point in replaying a humiliation? (#litres_trial_promo)

32 Hurrah for super, special, Sunday soccer-day (#litres_trial_promo)

33 Capello’s words minced by sinister Nosferatu (#litres_trial_promo)

34 My adventures with Beckham in wonderland (#litres_trial_promo)

35 No replacing the man with a wiggle in his walk (#litres_trial_promo)

36 From Bridge to Boleyn with Littlejohn on a limo-bike (#litres_trial_promo)

37 Girls may turn my head but my heart is lost (#litres_trial_promo)

38 Enthralled by a giddy mist of climactic hysteria (#litres_trial_promo)

39 United to win – the Gods’ll never work this one out (#litres_trial_promo)