Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, “All our accordions are over there.”

After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.”

The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”

The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?”

The store owner says, “That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator.”

* * *

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.

Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.

“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”

“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”

* * *

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked:

“How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?”

“Just send a bill for such advice”, replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a ₤50 bill.

That afternoon he received a ₤100 bill from the lawyer.

* * *

The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for which an operation was absolutely imperative.

The patient turned pale and asked, “Isn’t it very dangerous?”

“Yes,” the doctor replied. “Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Why not?” eagerly inquired the patient.

“Well, you’re sure to recover because my last five patients died,” the doctor reassured him.

* * *

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed.

“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”

* * *

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

* * *

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources[21 - Human Resources – отдел кадров] person asked a young applicant fresh out of[22 - fresh out of – только что из] Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

“About ₤125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.[23 - benefits package – социальный пакет]”

“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund[24 - matching retirement fund – пенсионный фонд за счёт компании] to 50 % of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say,[25 - say – скажем] a red Corvette?[26 - Corvette – «Корвет» (марка машины)]”

The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow![27 - Wow! – возглас удивления] Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

* * *

As a senior citizen[28 - senior citizen – человек пенсионного возраста; пожилой человек] was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

“Heck,[29 - Heck! – Чёрт!]” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

* * *

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:

– I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.

– In that case, – said the patient, – I’ll come back when you’re sober.

* * *

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?