Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain – ”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

* * *

An elderly man calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Manchester and tell her,” and then hangs up.[37 - hangs up – вешает трубку]

The son calls his sister, who goes nuts[38 - goes nuts – сходит с ума] upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

* * *

One day an unknown youth asked Mozart to explain to him how to start to compose a symphony.

“You are young,” answered Mozart. “In the beginning write a ballade, and if you like it, come to me.”

“But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.”

“But I did not ask anybody how to do it.”

* * *

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

“Da-ad…” “What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?[39 - a drink of water – глоток воды]” “No. You had your chance. Lights out![40 - Lights out! – Гасим свет!]”

Five minutes later:

“Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”

Five minutes later…

“WHAT?!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

* * *

John had just got a set of new teeth and went away for a holiday. His wife knowing how easily a set of teeth can be lost if you are bathing in a rough sea, wrote to him saying: “Take care not to wear your new teeth when you are bathing in the sea.”

He wrote back: “Why didn’t you telegraph?”

* * *

“When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?”

“The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.”

* * *

A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep[41 - falls asleep – засыпает] in the chair. The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead.[42 - drops dead – падает замертво] Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said, “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…”

* * *

“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”

“Because he had no-body to go with!”

* * *

“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer[43 - defence lawyer – адвокат] says to his client.

“What’s the bad news?”

The lawyer says:

“Your blood matches the DNA[44 - DNA – ДНК (дезоксирибонуклеиновая кислота)] found at the murder scene.[45 - murder scene – место преступления]”

“Dammit![46 - Dammit! – Проклятие! Чёрт побери!]” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

* * *

“Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good football player?”

“She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach[47 - coach – игра слов: наставник, карета] was a pumpkin.”

* * *

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.