Violated: A Shocking and Harrowing Survival Story From the Notorious Rotherham Abuse Scandal

‘How old are you, Sarah?’ Amir asked.

‘I’m fifteen,’ I replied, without thinking. ‘I’m the same age as Nadine.’

I expected Nadine and the men to burst out laughing. There was no way I looked fifteen. Baby-faced and flat-chested in my kids’ tracksuit, I was still very much a child. To my surprise, Nadine stayed silent as Rahim flashed Amir a smile.

Amir whispered something in Nadine’s ear and she giggled. Then he led her away to another part of the playground. I could feel the panic welling up inside me as I realised I was alone with Rahim and Saif. I wanted to plead with Nadine to stay, but I already sensed that doing what Amir wanted was way more important to her than looking out for me.

I took a big gulp of the cider Nadine had just bought me as I realised Rahim’s eyes were still boring into me.

‘You’re pretty, Sarah,’ he said. ‘I’ve noticed you around.’

The cider was beginning to make my brain feel cloudy, but even in my tipsy state I knew something didn’t add up.

‘Where have you seen me?’ I asked nervously.

‘Just around town,’ Rahim replied. I fixed my eyes on the ground so I didn’t have to make eye contact with him. It didn’t take a genius to work out where Rahim had seen me: coming out of school, while he was standing outside.

I’d never paid much attention to him or any of his friends before. In light of everything that has been reported by the media, it sounds silly – but back then it didn’t seem strange that there were always groups of Asian men gathered by the school gates. Lots of the kids in my class came from big Asian families and many of the men looked old enough to be their dads, while the younger men could easily have been uncles or older siblings. How was I to know what they were planning? Or why they were being so nice to me and what they wanted from me?

‘Are you a virgin, Sarah?’ Saif said. ‘I bet you’re not.’

I’d just taken another swig of cider and I almost spat it out in shock. Of course I was a virgin, I was still at primary school, but the question felt like a test and I wasn’t sure what the right answer was. Now I felt really uncomfortable. I looked over at where Nadine had gone but I couldn’t see her. I could feel the panic rising; why would they ask that?

‘Why do you want to know?’ I asked, bewildered.

‘We just do,’ said Rahim. He waited for my answer, but I stayed silent. ‘Well, are you?’

‘Yeah,’ I replied, my face burning scarlet with humiliation. I knew my answer might make me sound uncool, but I knew next to nothing about sex and I didn’t want to trip myself up by lying.

Rahim and Saif laughed. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I joined in.

‘You must be joking,’ Rahim said. ‘There’s no way you’re a virgin. You’re way too pretty to be a virgin.’

‘I am,’ I replied quietly. No one was laughing any more. Certainly not me.

‘You’re fifteen and you’re still a virgin?’ Saif said. I suddenly remembered I’d lied about my age. There was absolutely no chance Rahim and Saif believed me – they’d seen me coming out of my primary school, after all – but I felt I had to keep up the pretence so I didn’t look like an idiot. To most people, fifteen still seems too young to have sex, and rightly so, but Nadine certainly wasn’t a virgin and neither were any of her other friends. On our estate, with little else to do to occupy their time, most girls had sex for the first time long before their sixteenth birthdays.

‘Yeah, so what?’ I said, hoping they’d change the subject. I could feel my cheeks flushing with embarrassment. I thought about Nadine and her huge, womanly breasts and how different our bodies looked. I didn’t even own a bra. How could anyone possibly believe we were the same age?

‘Yeah, right,’ Rahim said. ‘No chance.’

‘Tell her about the test,’ Saif chipped in.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Rahim replied. ‘The test.’

I gripped my cider bottle tightly as my insides tensed violently. ‘Test?’ I echoed. I was suddenly conscious of how squeaky and high-pitched my voice was, of how much I sounded like a child. Rahim grabbed my legs and pushed them together. I squirmed as he touched me.

‘Relax, Sarah,’ he told me. ‘Why are you so uptight?’

‘I’m fine,’ I lied. Rahim didn’t let go of my legs, each of his hands pressing against my thighs.

‘What do you think?’ he asked Saif.

‘There’s a gap,’ Saif said, grinning. ‘Definitely.’

I had no idea what they were talking about and Rahim was starting to hurt me. I wanted to ask him to let go, but I couldn’t find my voice.

‘That’s what I thought,’ Rahim said. He turned to me. ‘We know you’re not a virgin. You’re lying.’

‘What?’ I replied, the panic clear in my voice. I had no idea how they could tell whether or not I’d had sex just by looking at my legs, but I didn’t know enough to question them. Rahim’s hands had now wandered around my legs, resting on the insides of my thighs, close to the crotch of my tracksuit bottoms. He kept them there for a moment before prising my legs open.

‘Okay, close your legs again,’ he told me. I did as he said. I didn’t know what else to do – I was too young to know what was going on. He rested his hands near my crotch once more.

‘I told you to relax,’ he said. I sensed a hint of aggression in his voice and it scared me. ‘Now, you see this little gap between your thighs?’ I nodded meekly, not wanting to make him angry. ‘That means you’re not a virgin.’

‘If you close your legs and your thighs are touching, you’re a virgin,’ Saif said. ‘If they’re not, you’ve had sex before.’

As an adult, I can see how completely ridiculous this ‘test’ was, but back then I was so naive that I began to doubt myself. I was sure I was a virgin, but what if I wasn’t? If I’d never had sex before, why didn’t my thighs touch like they should? A hundred different questions were swirling around in my brain. I was confused, full of self-doubt and beginning to believe these men who were much older and more experienced than me. Maybe I’d had sex when I’d been drunk and I’d blacked out and forgotten. Had I lost my virginity without realising?

‘We can always tell,’ Rahim added. ‘So there’s no point in lying to us. How many men have you had sex with?’

‘I bet it’s loads,’ Saif said. I felt a lump forming in my throat and I had to swallow hard.

‘Where’s Nadine?’ I asked desperately.

‘Where do you think she is?’ Rahim laughed. ‘She’s round the corner giving Amir a blow job.’

Even though Nadine was so outspoken about her sex life, I was still shocked. I didn’t think she’d be brave enough to give someone a blow job in my school playground, where anyone could catch them – especially as Amir was so much older than she was. I thought they’d maybe be kissing, nothing more than that. I prayed she’d come back soon. I really didn’t like standing in my school playground in the daylight with a group of much older men who were talking about stuff that made me feel nervous. For the first time since I’d started hanging around with Nadine, I really wanted to go home.

‘Bet you know all about blow jobs too,’ Saif said. ‘I bet you give blow jobs all the time.’

‘Would you like to give me a blow job?’ Rahim asked.

I felt blood rushing to my head. I didn’t know the first thing about blow jobs. To me, Rahim was creepy and disgusting. I didn’t want to touch him, let alone do that with him.

‘No,’ I replied. ‘I don’t want to.’

‘Oh, come on, Sarah,’ he said. ‘I really like you. I think you’re lovely, I really do. I’ve wanted to talk to you for ages.’ He slid his hand along my thigh again. ‘You’re special.’

‘No,’ I said again. ‘What if we get caught?’

‘We won’t,’ Rahim replied. ‘No one comes round here at night – it’s just us.’

‘They might,’ I said.

‘They won’t. No one will ever know,’ he said. ‘It can be our little secret.’

Those words reverberated round my head. Our little secret. At that moment, Nadine and Amir came back round the corner and I felt dizzy with relief.