Something Like Happy

‘Next week we’re taking the oldies out again. Or have you forgotten your promise?’

‘Oh yeah. It’s in my diary. I wouldn’t have forgotten.’ Nick stretched happily, leaning back with his arms tucked behind his head.

Jade slowly crunched her way through the rest of her toast. ‘Peter does have a lesson at eight a.m., but that’s probably too early for you.’

Nick shook his head. ‘Not really. It’s only half an hour from my place. How about we go and then have a quick breakfast here before going to pick up the … oldies, as you call them?’ He paused. ‘I think I’m going to tell them that you called them that.’

Jade sucked in a breath. ‘You wouldn’t dare.’

‘Never.’ Nick smiled, his eyes crinkling at the edges. ‘It’s our secret.’

And Jade found herself becoming suddenly warm under his gaze. Stop it, she told herself. We’re friends, nothing more. You have enough problems to deal with at the moment without taking on someone else’s too, remember?

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Yoga, then breakfast, then oldies, as you put it. But that means we might have to wait for the next thing on the list until the weekend after.’

‘Can’t we do it on the Sunday?’

Jade shook her head. ‘Working. You see, another point in the score against my job.’

‘You work Sundays?’ Nick was surprised.

‘Yep, six days a week. And mostly evenings too.’

‘Oh, my dreams of go-kart heaven are shattered. I feel for your poor little soul.’ He picked up her hand from the table and pressed it against his heart theatrically.

Jade snatched her hand away from his grip, her own heart hammering at the feel of his skin so close to hers. Even through his shirt then she had felt the warmth of his body, and it unsettled her more than she cared to admit. She stood up suddenly, almost knocking her chair over backwards.

‘I really need to go.’ She grabbed her coat from the chair, wrapping her scarf around her neck right up to her ears, as if she could hide from the world that way. ‘I promised to help my mum with some cooking.’ It was a lie, but she didn’t care. ‘Let’s pay at the till.’

Nick put his coat on too, seeming to be completely unaware of her inner thoughts, and they wandered back down to the bottom of the hill in silence. The rain fell in a steady drizzle, beading on Nick’s hair and making him look like he was grey before his time.

‘I’ll see you next week then.’ Nick leaned in for another quick kiss on her cheek.

‘Sure.’ Jade found herself smiling up at him.

He gave her a little wave as he set off down the street. Jade put her head down and resolutely walked the other way. She would put all thoughts of what had happened today out of her mind. Anyway, he’d never shown any sign that he was attracted to her. He was a nice guy. Just nice, she told herself firmly. Some kindness after all she had gone through was making her a bit soppy. And that was all it was. She had to keep her focus on what she was really supposed to be doing here, which was making sure that Nick was OK. Building him a support network in Glasgow.

The walk back put her in a better mood. The dull grey streets all sparkled in the wet, and the freshness of the rain made a change from the stink of the cars. By the time she got back home she was smiling. She loved Glasgow. Weather and warts and all. This was her city. And she was proud of it. Roll on life. She was ready for it.

Nick had hoped his muscles would have held up after last week’s class, but half-way through a yoga pose he felt his thighs beginning to tremble. Mind you, he hadn’t had anything for breakfast, so it was probably all his fault. The black cloud in his brain had come on so fast last night that all he could do was lie in bed and wait for it to pass. He was still waiting. The beautiful spring sun shining in through the windows made even more of a mockery of his mood.

At least he had made it through the week. That was his main goal in life, to pass as normal. Only he knew just how much effort it had taken to drag himself out of bed this morning and walk across town. But he hadn’t wanted to let Jade down. Or Archie.

Meeting Jade had given him some hope, and it felt as though she was the only thing that was getting him through his life right now. When he was with her the world seemed a little less grey and depressing. But he would never tell her how he felt about her though. Didn’t want her to feel like he was somehow fixated on her in a creepy way. She seemed happy to just be friends. And he could see why. Who would want to take someone on who was miserable most of the time?

To his horror he felt his eyes fill with tears. Not here, not now, he begged himself. He beat his feelings back into submission until they slowly simmered inside him, although he knew they were ready to boil over again at a moment’s notice. He shouldn’t have come, he knew that now. The sound of Peter’s voice as he ended the class felt like the biggest relief he had ever known.

He gathered up his mat, purposely not looking for Jade. He would go home. Sink into his bed. Never come out. And they would find his emaciated corpse when they finally broke down the door.

‘Depression lies.’ A voice spoke right next to his ear as he bent to put his mat back in the box. It was so quiet that he thought he must have imagined it. Was he starting to hear voices now?

He straightened and turned, only to find Jade not two feet away from him. ‘What did you say?’ He wanted to confirm what she had said. It felt so random.

‘I said, depression lies.’ She took his elbow and steered him towards the door. ‘Whatever you’re feeling right now, it’s not you. Depression lies to you. It tells you things that aren’t true.’

He looked suspiciously at her as they strolled down the corridor. ‘How do you know what I’m thinking?’

She laughed. ‘Not what. I’m not a bloody mind-reader. But it’s pretty obvious that something’s going on. You haven’t said a word since you got here, and your eyes look kind of weird. In fact, I’m impressed you actually got here this morning.’

Nick’s brain got caught between pride in the fact that she was impressed with him, and panic at the thought that what he was feeling was visible. Did everyone know? Is that why no one had talked to him today?

Jade must have caught some of his more negative thoughts, because she nudged him gently. ‘Don’t worry. I’m just good at noticing that kind of thing. I’ve had lots of practice. Now come on, let’s get you something to eat. I could hear your stomach grumbling from halfway across the room.’

She disappeared into the changing rooms through the brown wooden door, leaving him staring after her. And one thought wound its way slowly through his tired brain, like a mole slowly carving its way through the dark soil. Who else did she know who felt like him?

Chapter 5 (#ulink_bd589626-1c3b-5ff9-9592-f43f88d69cd6)

Jade put her arm around Nick’s elbow as they walked up the road to the café, as if she knew he needed some mental help to drag himself up the hill. ‘You will try the avocado today, won’t you?’ Her voice sounded almost accusing, as if she expected him to chicken out.

‘Yes, although I still think it looks pretty much like someone has thrown up on your plate.’

Jade snorted. ‘No more than that disgusting mess you made with your mix of egg, beans and mushrooms last time.’

‘It’s not the look, it’s the taste.’ Nick was defensive.

‘Yeah. Wouldn’t that be a good name for a café?’ Jade waved her free arm expansively. ‘Looks Shit. Tastes Amazing.’

Nick had to laugh at that. ‘I would go for Shit Looks. Amazing Taste. A bit more punchy. Bring in the customers.’

As they stopped outside the café, Nick turned to Jade. ‘How is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? Because that’s what I’m feeling today. Like there’s a black cloud over everything. But then you just made me laugh. Which just feels weird.’

She looked up at him, startled by the sudden change of topic, and for one unguarded moment he could see his own emotions mirrored in her eyes. ‘I don’t know. All I know is that it is.’ She turned away, as if worried that he might see something on her face, but then suddenly turned back, an intensity in her eyes that surprised him.

‘They say that everything passes. But I don’t think it does. I think emotions are like the sea. It’s sometimes smooth and sunny, and sometimes the wind is blowing so hard you think you’re going to sink.’ She opened the door, and motioned for him to go in. And as he passed her, she added, ‘But it’s when you think you’re just about to drown that someone else tends to pass by with a life raft.’

She was his life raft, he realised. And he hoped she wasn’t going to disappear any time soon, because the thought of swimming through the waves on his own was enough to make him panic.

Nick had to admit that Jade had been right about the breakfast. The bread was amazing, and the freshness of the taste went much better with his unsettled stomach that a cooked breakfast would have done.

‘So, where are we going today?’ He pushed his empty plate back, surprised that he had managed to eat at all. Still, Jade had distracted him with random stories about funny things that had happened at work, and he had hardly noticed himself eating until he had gone to take another bite and found it all gone.

‘We were supposed to be going to the Kelvingrove Museum, but I got a text last night that with the weather as it is then we’re just going to have a picnic in the park.’

‘Sounds great.’ Nick stretched his long legs out under the table, taking care to angle them so they wouldn’t brush against Jade’s. Last thing he wanted was for that to happen. Actually, he realised he was lying to himself. He was craving physical contact today just like a thirsty person desperate for water. But the last thing he wanted was for Jade to feel uncomfortable with him. He didn’t think he would survive if he lost their easy friendship.

‘Yeah.’ Jade checked her watch. ‘In fact, we’d better get ourselves off to the station or we’ll be late.’

‘It seems a long way to go all the way up there, just to come back here. Can’t we just meet them there?’