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Sexy Beast: The Intimate Adventures of an Ugly Man
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Sexy Beast: The Intimate Adventures of an Ugly Man
Stan Cattermole
Burdened with a face only a mother could love, Stan Cattermole determined to find a woman. Lugging his man-boobs along for the ride, Stan shows Bridget Jones how it's done in this hilarious, heart-wrenching and often outrageous account of his quest for love.This is no misery memoir, but a tell-it-like-it-is account of Stan's trials, tribulations and small triumphs, in and out of the bedroom. One part love story, one part family saga, eight parts outrageous, laugh-out-loud tragicomedy - and then, just for luck, another part love story - The Intimate Adventures of an Ugly Man wrenches at the heart strings and the funny bone, and will drag you screaming with laughter through the whole gamut of human emotions.CHORTLE! as Stan pops his cyber-cherry with the aid of a light sabre, a bowling ball and a large knob of butter.GASP! as Stan is blindfolded, tied to a bed and abused with an IKEA spatula.DESPAIR! as the pretty nose of yet another potential love interest wrinkles in utter, utter disgust.The story of one man overcoming his hurdles and making something wonderful of a miserable life, this ever-hopeful tale will resonate with anyone who's suffered pain and rejection, anyone who's vowed to transform their life and anyone who's ever learned to laugh in the face of adversity.http://betedejour.blogspot.com/
Bête de Jour
The intimate adventures of An Ugly Man
Stan Cattermole
For Melanie, with love, and for Ange, with boundless optimism.
…I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks, Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass; I, that am rudely stamp’d, and want love’s majesty To strut before a wanton ambling nymph; I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion, Cheated of feature by dissembling nature, Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time Into this breathing world, scarce half made up, And that so lamely and unfashionable That dogs bark at me as I halt by them; Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace, Have no delight to pass away the time, Unless to spy my shadow in the sun And descant on mine own deformity: And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover, To entertain these fair well-spoken days, I am determined to prove a villain And hate the idle pleasures of these days…
Richard III, William Shakespeare
Table of Contents
Cover Page (#u9228d144-b817-5d5f-bc8f-d69123186f35)
Title Page (#u6ff17912-266d-5f73-8179-2668512f6b51)
Dedication (#u917aaa45-2a98-55c4-ba06-fe6156518158)
Epigraph (#ub7971dcd-29ea-511b-a308-1d50bdbda654)
Introduction (#uc6959c5a-05f2-5320-a0f7-82bf3dfcd65f)
Chapter One Nobody, not Even the Rain (#uf1b453b6-44c7-5abd-b1d9-58b3fdfe3d34)
Chapter Two Whiskers of Immorality (#u86ee454d-d6d2-5285-9ed0-cf3545201854)
Chapter Three Bag of Elbows (#u3a4cd56b-41c0-5975-a2de-01dd381b80fe)
Chapter Four Like a Leopard on a Dove (#ua9ec11b7-7eae-5815-982a-0a10fb7eb9fa)
Chapter Five Being is Other People (#udd26fb84-81e4-548d-9fe1-297141fbe51b)
Chapter Six Picking Up (#uaa010fc7-b466-5278-af9c-e0f4795c9546)
Chapter Seven Sally Valentine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eight Love is Natural and Real (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nine Sick (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten Payback (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eleven Everybody’s Free (to Wear A Paper Bag) (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve Everybody’s Blogging Nowadays: no Hard Feelings (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen Lost Weekend (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen Life & Death (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fifteen Love Handles (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Sixteen Bad to the Bone (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seventeen Brains (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eighteen Welcome to Peckham (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nineteen Snapshots (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty Pablo, Pablo, Burning Bright (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-one a Fresh Start: Audrey Tautou (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-two Speed Dating: Our Time is Running out (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-three Bestial Oblivion (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-four Fuck Buddies (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-five Act of God (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-six Box of Frogs (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-seven Love 2.0 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-eight London to Brighton (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-nine all That David Copperfield Kind of Crap (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty Turn and Face the Strange (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-one My Parents and Other Anomalies (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-two There is No Sanity Clause (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-three His Name is Stanley Cattermole (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-four Glad all Over (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-five Wee Timorous Beasties (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-six Positive Mental Attitude (#litres_trial_promo)
Stan Cattermole
Burdened with a face only a mother could love, Stan Cattermole determined to find a woman. Lugging his man-boobs along for the ride, Stan shows Bridget Jones how it's done in this hilarious, heart-wrenching and often outrageous account of his quest for love.This is no misery memoir, but a tell-it-like-it-is account of Stan's trials, tribulations and small triumphs, in and out of the bedroom. One part love story, one part family saga, eight parts outrageous, laugh-out-loud tragicomedy - and then, just for luck, another part love story - The Intimate Adventures of an Ugly Man wrenches at the heart strings and the funny bone, and will drag you screaming with laughter through the whole gamut of human emotions.CHORTLE! as Stan pops his cyber-cherry with the aid of a light sabre, a bowling ball and a large knob of butter.GASP! as Stan is blindfolded, tied to a bed and abused with an IKEA spatula.DESPAIR! as the pretty nose of yet another potential love interest wrinkles in utter, utter disgust.The story of one man overcoming his hurdles and making something wonderful of a miserable life, this ever-hopeful tale will resonate with anyone who's suffered pain and rejection, anyone who's vowed to transform their life and anyone who's ever learned to laugh in the face of adversity.http://betedejour.blogspot.com/
Bête de Jour
The intimate adventures of An Ugly Man
Stan Cattermole
For Melanie, with love, and for Ange, with boundless optimism.
…I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks, Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass; I, that am rudely stamp’d, and want love’s majesty To strut before a wanton ambling nymph; I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion, Cheated of feature by dissembling nature, Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time Into this breathing world, scarce half made up, And that so lamely and unfashionable That dogs bark at me as I halt by them; Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace, Have no delight to pass away the time, Unless to spy my shadow in the sun And descant on mine own deformity: And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover, To entertain these fair well-spoken days, I am determined to prove a villain And hate the idle pleasures of these days…
Richard III, William Shakespeare
Table of Contents
Cover Page (#u9228d144-b817-5d5f-bc8f-d69123186f35)
Title Page (#u6ff17912-266d-5f73-8179-2668512f6b51)
Dedication (#u917aaa45-2a98-55c4-ba06-fe6156518158)
Epigraph (#ub7971dcd-29ea-511b-a308-1d50bdbda654)
Introduction (#uc6959c5a-05f2-5320-a0f7-82bf3dfcd65f)
Chapter One Nobody, not Even the Rain (#uf1b453b6-44c7-5abd-b1d9-58b3fdfe3d34)
Chapter Two Whiskers of Immorality (#u86ee454d-d6d2-5285-9ed0-cf3545201854)
Chapter Three Bag of Elbows (#u3a4cd56b-41c0-5975-a2de-01dd381b80fe)
Chapter Four Like a Leopard on a Dove (#ua9ec11b7-7eae-5815-982a-0a10fb7eb9fa)
Chapter Five Being is Other People (#udd26fb84-81e4-548d-9fe1-297141fbe51b)
Chapter Six Picking Up (#uaa010fc7-b466-5278-af9c-e0f4795c9546)
Chapter Seven Sally Valentine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eight Love is Natural and Real (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nine Sick (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten Payback (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eleven Everybody’s Free (to Wear A Paper Bag) (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve Everybody’s Blogging Nowadays: no Hard Feelings (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen Lost Weekend (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen Life & Death (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fifteen Love Handles (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Sixteen Bad to the Bone (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seventeen Brains (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eighteen Welcome to Peckham (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nineteen Snapshots (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty Pablo, Pablo, Burning Bright (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-one a Fresh Start: Audrey Tautou (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-two Speed Dating: Our Time is Running out (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-three Bestial Oblivion (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-four Fuck Buddies (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-five Act of God (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-six Box of Frogs (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-seven Love 2.0 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-eight London to Brighton (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-nine all That David Copperfield Kind of Crap (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty Turn and Face the Strange (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-one My Parents and Other Anomalies (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-two There is No Sanity Clause (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-three His Name is Stanley Cattermole (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-four Glad all Over (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-five Wee Timorous Beasties (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-six Positive Mental Attitude (#litres_trial_promo)