Sexy Beast: The Intimate Adventures of an Ugly Man

elbows: Please don’t say ‘elbows’.

wicked.grace: Sorry. Long sleeves. I’m also wearing red lipstick and my hair is tied back in a pony tail.

elbows: Gosh, I’m becoming aroused already. It really works!

wicked.grace: Would you like me to take off some clothes?

elbows: I’m not sure. Is your heating working OK?

wicked.grace: Tip top, yeah. I’m actually quite warm.

elbows: OK then. Maybe you could slip something off.

wicked.grace: Will you join me?

elbows: OK then.

wicked.grace: I’ve loosened the scarf around my neck first. I’ve slipped it off and let it drop to the living room floor.

elbows: I’ve taken off my hat. And thrown it at the cat.

wicked.grace: I’ve undone the top button of my shirt. And the next.

elbows: You’ll be here all night at that rate. Hold on…There. I’m naked.

wicked.grace: Hmmm.

elbows: Nnngh! Nurk!

wicked.grace:?

elbows: I came.

wicked.grace: I don’t think you’re very good at cybersex. I’m sorry to have to say that to you. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but you should know. In fact, you’re the worst I’ve ever had.

elbows: I’m sorry.

wicked.grace: Meh.

elbows: No I really am sorry. I wish I could make it up to you.

wicked.grace: Maybe you’re better in real life.

elbows: Much better, yes.

wicked.grace: I bet you’re not as repulsive as you say you are.

elbows: Honestly, I’m worse.

wicked.grace: I kind of wish you were here anyway, so I could see for myself.

elbows: I am here.

wicked.grace: I mean here.

elbows: So do I. I’m standing behind you right now. Can’t you hear me breathing?

wicked.grace: Oooh, hello.

elbows: You’re sitting at your desk in the living room. I’m standing behind you. I reach my hand out and run my fingers over your neck, over the hair at the back of your neck.

wicked.grace: That’s nice. Would you kiss it maybe?

elbows: Kissing’s later. First I pinch your ear lobes with my fingers, then lean forward and smell your hair.

wicked.grace: You’re making me slightly moist.

elbows: It smells nice. Your hair I mean. Not your moistness. I can’t smell your moistness. Not yet.

wicked.grace: You’re making murmuring noises into my ear.

elbows: Yes, I kiss the top of your left ear, slowly, murmuring.

wicked.grace: Mmmmm.

elbows: You are a little tense though—I think I need to apply some pressure to your back. My hands move down and my thumbs burrow into your flesh.

wicked.grace: I groan and reach around to you.

elbows: I kiss your neck.

wicked.grace: I can feel how hard you are.

elbows: Lightly. I groan.

wicked.grace: I start to touch you.

elbows: Where?

wicked.grace: Gently rubbing the top of you. You’re poking out of your trousers.

elbows: I’ve moved my hands round to your breasts—I can’t resist.

wicked.grace: I’m loosening your belt and reaching in to hold all of you in my hand.

elbows: I’m caressing your breasts with my hands. I want to kiss you.

wicked.grace: I want to turn around and take you in my mouth.