Mr Landen Has No Brain

‘What is?’

‘If you worship a giant space octopus, people always want to think the worst of you.’

‘Well it’s hardly normal is it?’

‘Loads of people must do it. They just don’t admit it. Anyway, I’m sure she doesn’t mean it. It’s probably her idea of a joke.’

‘Yeah. Right.’ Sally hung the last foam rubber square and pressed it in place. She turned to face Cthulha.

Cthulha Gochllagochgoch, thirty one, gangled on Sally’s settee, in an undertakers hat, little round sunglasses, black tuxedo, black jeans and black trainers. Beneath the open tuxedo, she wore a purple bikini top, with a rub-on transfer, IF I’M JUICY SQUEEZE ME, on her left breast. One lace-gloved palm held Mr Bushy while the other stroked him. Sat there she reminded Sally of the reptile aliens in V, the ones who could almost pass for human, till you caught them eating your pets.

Mr Bushy squeaked. Now sat up, Cthulha held him before her and chuckled. ‘Look at this.’

‘Look at what?’

‘If you squeeze this it squeaks like one of those dogs’ toys.’ And she squeezed away, producing a string of random squeaks.

‘Cthulha!’

‘What?’

Sally snatched him from her and stroked him to calm his nerves. ‘Dynamite Pete asked me – if anything ever happened to him – to look after his squirrel. It shouldn’t take a genius to know that treating it as a rubber toy wasn’t what he had in mind.’

‘And as Dynamite Pete’s intended profession involved swallowing a pint of nitro-glycerine then running round a stage till he exploded, it shouldn’t have taken a genius to figure something was bound to happen to him.’

‘I tried to warn him,’ she insisted.

‘Don’t you always?’ Cthulha settled back into the settee and took a drag on her cigarette.

Sally placed Mr Bushy back on the TV, with his paint brush, and continued stroking him. Dynamite Pete’s demise; some experiences were best not remembered – especially when they were your fault.

Mr Bushy started nibbling his paint brush, which she took as a good sign, so she turned to face Cthulha. ‘Do you actually have a reason to be here?’

‘Uncle Al wants money.’ Uncle Al was not Cthulha’s uncle. Uncle Al was not the uncle of most people who called him Uncle.

‘He always wants money.’

‘Now he wants more money.’

‘What’s he want it for this time?’

‘Fifty-six rolls of foil. Personally I think it’s an excuse to get me out of the way. Though why anyone’d want a girl like me out of the way, I don’t know.’

‘Cthulha?’

‘Yeah?’

‘What kind of cooking needs fifty-six rolls of foil?’

She lowered her dark glasses to the tip of her nose and peered over them at Sally, eyebrows hoisted knowingly. ‘Aloysius Bracewell doesn’t do his own cooking – any more than he does his own eating. You know he has servants for that.’

‘So what’s he want tin foil for?’

She prodded her glasses back into place. ‘To add to the roll he’s just wrapped round his head.’

Sally squinted at her, baffled.

Cthulha said, ‘Half an hour ago, some Texan turned up on satellite news. Seems he’s broken the world record for wrapping his head in foil – except they called it “aloominum”. The previous record holder was British. The moment Uncle Al hears that, he grabs a roll and starts wrapping it round his head, declaring his determination to reclaim the record for some place called “Blighty”. He says someone has to restore the dignity it lost when it gave away some empire or other.’

‘By wrapping his head in foil?’

‘And Uncle Al won’t be using “aloominum”.’

‘Then what’ll he be using?’

‘Lead.’

‘Lead?’

‘He says you can get lead foil from nuclear power plants, if you bribe the right women and sleep with the right men. That’ll be my job. He will of course make sure the national media knows all about his sterling act of patriotism and that he owns a chain of caravan parks – prices reasonable. I told him, “Uncle Al, you’re a pillock. Lead foil must weigh a ton. You’ll squash your head.” He said that’d make his achievement all the greater – though guess who’ll get to do all the wrapping? Still you’ve got to hand it to him; fifty-six rolls – no man’s ever wrapped his head in so much lead.’

seven (#uf5c3aa7d-a1b0-5a85-91b1-4e66d1afeee9)

‘Excuse me?’

‘Yeah, babe?’

‘Where did you get that cow?’

‘I didn’t steal it.’

‘I never said you had.’

‘I found it down there.’ His sucker tipped thumb pointed back guiltily over his shoulder. He said, ‘It jumped out of a tree and landed on me.’

‘And where are you taking it?’

‘The obvious.’

‘Which is?’

‘To wallpaper it.’

In a country lane, fifteen minutes into her walk, Teena’d stopped to talk to a small grey man with a cow. His huge, black, almond shaped eyes blinked up at her from his too-large head. His spindly body wore a black turtleneck sweater and drainpipe jeans. He looked bruised, battered and bewildered, as though something had jumped out of a tree and landed on him. Mouth no more than a slit, he said, ‘It’s my destiny.’

‘What is?’

‘To win the Turner Prize.’ And a sucker tipped finger pointed to somewhere behind her.