In the Darkroom

a kind of transvestite.

But I get ahead of my story.

Anne Sexton, “Red Riding Hood”

Contents

Cover (#ua96a829b-3da2-5096-ae13-57165e4a76f7)

Title Page (#ub2b6a544-3da7-54a3-a8c3-9d513102eb52)

Copyright (#uaf9d0055-5675-5e0f-a1ff-1f544a225857)

Additional Praise for In the Darkroom (#ufd344a2f-3ecc-5004-bc06-c2d07054b0ea)

Dedication (#ue92d6d3b-de28-52b5-a1a5-cd6c988528ea)

Epigraph (#u48a5b879-8ff3-5452-b867-6734b0e11d5f)

Preface: In Pursuit (#udd98535d-fad9-5f88-9f21-7487fc858fd3)

PART I (#u5b40660e-ff3d-526b-9439-08ed8f684aab)

1. Returns and Departures (#uc8cf88bd-4e02-5ed6-a82a-787bc8d73a4d)

2. Rear Window (#u38f2b4a4-6c6e-5bc0-8c98-4a524508fc82)

3. The Original from the Copy (#u3f2e5294-b8f5-5c45-92ff-4c2fba99b792)

4. Home Insecurity (#u96c1965b-7ca1-532f-8b00-381380126a0c)

5. The Person You Were Meant to Be (#uab8909f0-77e6-56a6-8c6a-212d4a146cb7)

6. It’s Not Me Anymore (#u47c5638a-1df6-5cdd-a8c0-ca001736c135)

7. His Body into Pieces. Hers. (#ucdae4e29-e72e-5ef9-a23b-9c7cd1a96aa3)

8. On the Altar of the Homeland (#ud12c33fd-ce60-5416-929a-3108eb60c1e8)

9. Ráday 9 (#litres_trial_promo)

PART II (#litres_trial_promo)

10. Something More and Something Other (#litres_trial_promo)

11. A Lady Is a Lady Whatever the Case May Be (#litres_trial_promo)

12. The Mind Is a Black Box (#litres_trial_promo)

13. Learn to Forget (#litres_trial_promo)

14. Some Kind of Psychic Disturbance (#litres_trial_promo)

15. The Grand Hotel Royal (#litres_trial_promo)

16. Smitten in the Hinder Parts (#litres_trial_promo)

17. The Subtle Poison of Adjustment (#litres_trial_promo)

18. You’re Out of the Woods (#litres_trial_promo)

19. The Transformation of the Patient Is Without a Doubt (#litres_trial_promo)

PART III (#litres_trial_promo)

20. Pity, O God, the Hungarian (#litres_trial_promo)

21. All the Female Steps (#litres_trial_promo)

22. Paid Up (#litres_trial_promo)

23. Getting Away with It (#litres_trial_promo)

24. The Pregnancy of the World (#litres_trial_promo)

25. Escape (#litres_trial_promo)

Footnotes (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)

Also by Susan Faludi (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

PREFACE (#ulink_0a7a0f1a-d3db-5f14-b081-ae4b05116079)

In Pursuit (#ulink_0a7a0f1a-d3db-5f14-b081-ae4b05116079)

In the summer of 2004 I set out to investigate someone I scarcely knew, my father. The project began with a grievance, the grievance of a daughter whose parent had absconded from her life. I was in pursuit of a scofflaw, an artful dodger who had skipped out on so many things—obligation, affection, culpability, contrition. I was preparing an indictment, amassing discovery for a trial. But somewhere along the line, the prosecutor became a witness.

What I was witness to would remain elusive. In the course of a lifetime, my father had pulled off so many reinventions, laid claim to so many identities. “I’m a Hungaaaarian,” my father boasted, in the accent that survived all the shape shifts. “I know how to faaaake things.” If only it were that simple.

“Write my story,” my father asked me in 2004—or rather, dared me. The intent of the invitation was murky. “It could be like Hans Christian Andersen,” my father said to me once, later, of our biographical undertaking. “When Andersen wrote a fairy tale, everything he put in it was real, but he surrounded it with fantasy.” Not my style. Nevertheless, I took up the dare with a vengeance, and with my own purposes in mind.

Despite the overture, my father remained a refractory subject. Most of the time our collaboration resembled a game of cat and mouse, a game the mouse generally won. My father, like that other Hungarian, Houdini, was a master of the breakout. For my part, I kept up the chase. I had cast myself as a posse of one, tracking my father’s many selves to their secret recesses. I was intent on writing a book about my father. It wasn’t until the summer of 2015, after I’d worked my way through many drafts and submitted the manuscript, and after my father had died, that I realized how much I’d also been writing it for my father, who, in my mind at least, had become my primary, imagined, and intended reader—with all the generosity and hostility that implies. It wasn’t an uncomplicated gift.

“There are things in here that will be hard for you to take,” I warned in the fall of 2014, when I called to announce that I had a completed draft. I braced myself for the response. My father, who had made a career in commercial photography out of altering images and devoted a lifetime to self-alteration, would hate, I assumed, being depicted warts and all.