Just Breathe

These days, his passion consumed him. When not over at Mounger’s garage, working on the car, he was surfing the Internet for parts or watching car restoration shows on television. Sarah saw him disappearing into the car the way she disappeared into her art.

Embarrassingly enough for his children, he had become a babe magnet since being widowed at a relatively young age. He was a kindly, tolerant man, unfailingly polite as he rejected the women vying for his attention.

Everyone in town knew Nathaniel Moon, and everyone liked him. “Such a nice, good-looking man,” people often said.

Sarah could not disagree with a single thing that was said. Yet she felt now, as she had all her life, that she didn’t really know him. He was like a TV dad—well-groomed, sympathetic, benign and ultimately unknowable.

“Does this town have an animal control department?” she asked him.

“I think so. Why? Did you spot an animal out of control?”

“A stray dog. I saw it nearly get hit in the middle of downtown.”

“We’re a progressive area,” he said. “We have a no-kill shelter.”

“That dog better hope you have no-kill drivers.”

“I’ll see if I can find a number for you. How did your meeting go?” he asked without looking up from the catalog he was studying.

“It went. I was surprised Birdie Bonner remembered me.”

“She’s Birdie Shafter now,” he reminded her. “Why surprised?”

“Because we weren’t friends,” Sarah said. “We went to the same school, but we weren’t friends. I never had many friends.”

He flipped a page. “Sure you did, honey. There were kids over all the time when you were young.”

“Those were Kyle’s friends. Remember him? My perfect brother? The only time people came to see me was when Mom put the squeeze on their mothers and they were forced, or bribed.”

“I don’t remember that at all.” He flipped another page.

She studied her father, saddened by the distance between them. There was plenty more she could say. She wished she could ask him if he missed her mother the way she did, if he still saw his wife in his dreams, but she felt used up, too emotionally frazzled to deal with her father’s curious distance.

“Come on,” he said, standing up with an unhurried motion. “Let’s take the boat out. I’ll bring something to eat.”

She wanted to say she wasn’t hungry, she’d never eat again. The fact was, she was starving. Betrayed by her own primal greed.

Within fifteen minutes, they were out on the water, the Arima Sea Chaser pushing up a V-shaped wake behind them. They pulled out into the channel and slowed down to trolling speed so the motor would run quietly. Power-boats were restricted on the pristine bay, but as a local oysterman, her father was exempt. The feel of the soft vinyl-covered seat, the rich smell of the tidal flats and the taste of the air evoked a feeling of days gone by. For a short while, time flowed away. The marriage and Jack’s illness and his final betrayal might have happened to someone else.

Her father opened a beer and offered her the can. She reached for it, then hesitated.

“Not your brand?” he asked.

In the pit of her stomach, she felt a swift, dull terror as the illusion shattered. Those years had happened to her.

Her father studied her face. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, I just…It’s been a while since I’ve had a drink. Before all this happened, we were trying to get pregnant.”

He looked supremely uncomfortable, his eyes crinkling behind his shades. “So, um, are you…?”

“No.” Part of her wanted to tell him about the clinic visits, the drugs and discomfort and nausea. Another part wanted to keep her pain private. “After Jack’s treatments ended,” she went on, “getting pregnant was my main goal in life.” Hearing herself speak the words, she felt a twinge. When had her priorities shifted from her marriage to her reproductive system?

“Anyway, I’m not,” she said quickly, knowing this conversation was going to be a challenge, “and I’ll take that beer.” She took a swig, savoring her first gulp. God, it had been too long. “For the past year, I’ve been undergoing artificial insemination.”

He cleared his throat. “You mean Jack couldn’t…because of his cancer?”

She looked out across the water. “The doctors always encouraged us to set positive goals during treatment, the logic being that every reason for him to get better reinforced his recovery.”

“I’m not sure it’s a baby’s job to be that reason.”

Sarah felt a stirring of defensiveness. “We wanted to start a family, same as any other couple.” After all that had happened, she was forced to examine her real motives. Deep down, she had known for a long time that something was wrong, something that having a child would not fix.

“So anyway,” she said, trying to get the conversation back on track, “I might as well celebrate my new freedom.” She tipped her beer in his direction. “And I promise, that’s all the detail you’ll get from me.”

Clearly relieved, he slumped back on his seat. “You’ve had a tough break, kiddo.”

“I hope it’s not too weird, me telling you this stuff.”

“It’s weird,” he admitted. “But I’ll deal with it.”

She ducked her head to hide a smile. Her father was a Marin man, through and through, trying to be sensitive.

“You warm enough?” he asked.

She savored the flow of the breeze over her face and through her hair. “I’ve been living in Chicago, Dad. Your worst weather feels like a heat wave to me.” She pictured herself in Chicago, shoveling snow off the driveway in order to get her car out. She had once drawn Shirl digging her way out of a second-story window and escaping to Mexico.