Diary of a Married Call Girl

“When a man isn’t paying, he’d better be paying tribute. This guy”—Jasmine, looking inspired, raised an index finger—“this guy is paying tribute to your pheromones. Love is the grand total sum of all the brain chemicals and pheromones and whatever else coming together in the great big ledger book of human experience. The sense of smell is connected to the tastebuds,” she continued. “So it’s all one package.”

“You mean…” Allie was unconvinced. “The way to a man’s heart is through…?”

“His nostrils? Maybe! He can’t get enough of your natural scent. But here’s the thing. When you’re dating a guy, you go out with him just twice a week—to keep things fresh. Men always want what they can’t have. Well, the same thing applies! This guy already knows he likes your natural scent, and he wants more. From your point of view, that’s all that’s needed. You’ve won the first round! You don’t have to satisfy his appetite, you just have to recognize it. It’s like The Rules for Sweat Glands. Always leave them wanting more!”

Jasmine’s biology lecture was interrupted by my chiming phone. Trish, calling from her gym to confirm a repeat performance with Colin. He’s coming into town with his wife! For his next session, he’s booking a room at the Mayflower on Central Park West—a safe distance from the Waldorf, where they’ll be staying.

And way off the beaten path where Matt’s concerned. Thank god! When I entered this business, I never thought I’d see the day when a three-star hotel trumps a five-star.

Marriage changes everything.

4 Lingerie Liberal (#ulink_01b156ad-1caf-5b65-afba-7e2e0f3457f2)

FRIDAY, 3/23/01

This morning my fingers were engaged in a painstaking task—removing tiny green rosemary leaves from a stalk containing too many black ones—when both phones started ringing at once. The domestic landline I share with Matt and my cell phone (shared with no one), vying for attention. I grabbed the phone on my kitchen wall.

“Nancy! What’s up? Those bibs are adorable! I can’t wait to break them in.”

One of Elspeth’s newborns could be heard wailing in the background.

“My au pair started yesterday. She’s a godsend. Fabulous. And I finally had a chance to open all the presents! What are you doing?” she inquired.

“Making a rosemary marinade. And I have garlic all over my hands!”

It was nice, for once, to have an easy answer for my sister-in-law.

“We have to talk about your friend Allison.”

“We—um—we do?”

“You’re obviously uncomfortable about inviting her to Jason’s birthday party.”

“I don’t think—”

“Nancy, it’s the kiss of death. You can’t let this happen.”

“What are you talking about?”

The garlic on my hands was now overwhelming.

“During the first year of my marriage, I made the same mis

take. You’re alienating yourself from your single girlfriends. It’s a normal feeling. But you have a great relationship with Matt and there’s no reason for you to act so insecure! Besides, I’d like to meet Allison.”

“I don’t think any of this is relevant,” I said, rather stiffly.

“I think it is. And I’ve been there. I know what you’re going through.”

Been there? Elspeth has no idea where I’ve been!

“I am not going through what you think I’m going through.”

I instantly regretted the coldness in my voice. Then realized there was nothing to regret. Elspeth was barreling ahead, determined to liberate and reform.

“I know exactly what you’re going through. Matt already told me how uptight you’re getting about Allison. I just want you to know—this is a phase and it’s not a healthy one! Single women are not the enemy! They can make married life more interesting. And acting paranoid about single women makes you less attractive to your husband. I found that out on my own, and I’m giving you the benefit of my experience.” After a heavy silence, she continued. “You missed out on having a sister.”

She’s trying to be…my big sister?

I am a big sister. With two brothers! As an eldest sister herself, she should know that this is just not done.

“I always wanted a sister,” said Elspeth. “We need to communicate more! Besides,” she added, “all my girlfriends are married or engaged, and Chris is such a catch! I hate to see a guy like Chris at loose ends.”

The distant wailing resumed. Would Elspeth’s maternal instinct please override the sisterly one? But her fabulous new au pair wasn’t going to let that happen.

“What about…” I hate to do this to my twenty-something cousin, but she doesn’t have to know it was my idea. “What about Miranda?” I suggested. “I know she isn’t dating anyone special.”

“Your cousin? Isn’t she a little immature for Chris?”

“Chris would be perfect for her! She needs to start dating above Fourteenth Street.”

“Good point.…Hey,” she said, “aren’t you—? Don’t you have a French class on Friday mornings?”

Elspeth has an unnerving habit of starting a new topic just when I think I’m getting a handle on the previous one.

“I—um—I don’t always go at the same time. My instructor switched days this week.”

“Oh. I thought it was a class. It’s one-on-one?”

“I have to go!” I gasped. Riffing desperately, I added, “Someone’s at my door—I’ll call you back.”

I hung up fast and counted to ten. Gazing in horror at the kitchen wall, I discovered that I had a bad case of garlic phone. You can’t tell your phone to chew a handful of raw parsley, so I attacked the handset with a succession of cleaning potions and hoped for the best.

As I returned to my marinade, I could feel the mantle of frumpiness enveloping my deltoids. Settling upon my shoulders like a ghost. Elspeth has no idea what my life is really about, but something she said managed to hit home: couple-centric paranoia isn’t pretty. And makes single women look soooo much more attractive to a guy. Especially your own!

Of course, there are plenty of other good solid reasons to keep Allie far away from Elspeth and Jason. I’m doing the right thing.

But still. I don’t trust my best friend the way I used to. Because she’s not married! And I trust Trisha—whom I’ve known for just a few months—because she is.

Married hookers instinctively trust each other. We speak the same code, tell the same lies, fear a common peril. I can’t help feeling that an unmarried hooker—especially one like Allie—hasn’t got enough to lose.

Does that make her the enemy of my marriage?

SATURDAY, 3/24/01

Matt told Elspeth how uptight I’m getting? Paranoia “makes you less attractive” to your husband?

It’s all starting to get to me!