The Tragedy of King Lear

O, you, sir, you! Come you hither, sir. Who am I, sir?
Osw. My lady's father.
Lear. 'My lady's father'? My lord's knave! You whoreson dog!
you
slave! you cur!
Osw. I am none of these, my lord; I beseech your pardon.
Lear. Do you bandy looks with me, you rascal?
[Strikes him.]
Osw. I'll not be strucken, my lord.
Kent. Nor tripp'd neither, you base football player?
[Trips up his heels.
Lear. I thank thee, fellow. Thou serv'st me, and I'll love
thee.
Kent. Come, sir, arise, away! I'll teach you differences. Away,
away! If you will measure your lubber's length again, tarry;
but
away! Go to! Have you wisdom? So.
[Pushes him out.]
Lear. Now, my friendly knave, I thank thee. There's earnest of
thy
service. [Gives money.]

Enter Fool.

Fool. Let me hire him too. Here's my coxcomb.
[Offers Kent his cap.]
Lear. How now, my pretty knave? How dost thou?
Fool. Sirrah, you were best take my coxcomb.
Kent. Why, fool?
Fool. Why? For taking one's part that's out of favour. Nay, an
thou
canst not smile as the wind sits, thou'lt catch cold
shortly.
There, take my coxcomb! Why, this fellow hath banish'd two
on's
daughters, and did the third a blessing against his will. If
thou follow him, thou must needs wear my coxcomb. – How now,
nuncle? Would I had two coxcombs and two daughters!
Lear. Why, my boy?
Fool. If I gave them all my living, I'ld keep my coxcombs
myself.
There's mine! beg another of thy daughters.
Lear. Take heed, sirrah- the whip.
Fool. Truth's a dog must to kennel; he must be whipp'd out,
when
Lady the brach may stand by th' fire and stink.
Lear. A pestilent gall to me!
Fool. Sirrah, I'll teach thee a speech.
Lear. Do.
Fool. Mark it, nuncle.
Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest,
Learn more than thou trowest,
Set less than thou throwest;
Leave thy drink and thy whore,
And keep in-a-door,
And thou shalt have more
Than two tens to a score.
Kent. This is nothing, fool.
Fool. Then 'tis like the breath of an unfeed lawyer- you gave
me
nothing for't. Can you make no use of nothing, nuncle?
Lear. Why, no, boy. Nothing can be made out of nothing.
Fool. [to Kent] Prithee tell him, so much the rent of his land
comes to. He will not believe a fool.
Lear. A bitter fool!
Fool. Dost thou know the difference, my boy, between a bitter
fool and a sweet fool?
Lear. No, lad; teach me.
Fool. That lord that counsell'd thee
To give away thy land,
Come place him here by me-
Do thou for him stand.
The sweet and bitter fool
Will presently appear;
The one in motley here,
The other found out there.
Lear. Dost thou call me fool, boy?
Fool. All thy other titles thou hast given away; that thou wast
born with.
Kent. This is not altogether fool, my lord.
Fool. No, faith; lords and great men will not let me. If I had
a
monopoly out, they would have part on't. And ladies too,
they
will not let me have all the fool to myself; they'll be
snatching. Give me an egg, nuncle, and I'll give thee two
crowns.
Lear. What two crowns shall they be?
Fool. Why, after I have cut the egg i' th' middle and eat up
the
meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou clovest thy crown
i'
th' middle and gav'st away both parts, thou bor'st thine ass
on
thy back o'er the dirt. Thou hadst little wit in thy bald
crown
when thou gav'st thy golden one away. If I speak like myself