The Fifteen Comforts of Matrimony: Responses from Men

The Frowns of Fate, and other Worldly Cares,
Are daily lessen'd by divided Shares.
The mutual Love of Man and Wife dispense,
With all the Chances of dark Providence;
Nay, If in Prison he shou'd chance to lie,
A Loving Wife brings Comforts and Supply.
She pays him visits with Delight and Care,
And Loves him ne're the less for being there.

Answer to the Second Mock Comfort

And why shou'd not a Man adore his Wife,
Since She's the only Comfort of his Life.
A Gift presented by the Gods above,
A lively Emblem of the Charms of Love.
All o're Divine, a Heaven, here below
Man's Paradice, where Joys in Plenty flow.
No Shame, but Honour does bless'd Wedlock Crown,
And ushers in both Glory and Renown.
Sweet pretty Babes, the Product of each Charm,
In Marriage-Bed protects us from all harm,
Their Innocence like Lambs and Doves appear,
Which make our Hearts and Minds quite void of Care.
No Sorrow can lay hold of Man or Wife,
Where Love and Virtue is the Rule of Life.

Answer to the Third mock Comfort

Oh! Monstrous Man, nay Beast, (I almost said)
What cursed Thoughts are got into thy Head?
To rail at those to whom thy Life is due,
No Mortal yet durst be so vile as you?
If whipping Joan was here alive and stout,
You do deserve to be well whip'd about.
Ten thousand lashes shall adorn thy Bumb,
If ever such a whipping Lass should come.
'Tis strange a Woman shou'd be so envy'd,
Not only mock'd, but shamefully bely'd.
With bawdy Gossips, and the Lord knows what,
To Name a Child the Husband never got.
You call him Fool, and yet that Title claim,
And prove your self the Person you wou'd Name.
You know it is a Woman's due by Birth,
To Scold and Cry, next moment Joy and Mirth.
One minute smile, the very next a Frown,
Perhaps the next she knocks her Husband down.
But what does this to hinder higher Charms?
When Joys are fix'd between the Husband's Arms,
Such transports are out of the reach of thought,
Tis only known where Wedlock Bonds are wrought.

Answer to the Fourth Mock Comfort

The Marriage-hater here is forc'd to own,
The many Comforts which doth Wedlock Crown.
But strives to mix it with such Cares and Toil,
As if curs'd Malice cou'd such Blessings spoil.
Makes Charges frightful on that very score,
As if Mankind should ne'er encrease no more;
Nay, Atheist-like, he makes it ten times worse,
And calls God's Blessings nothing but a Curse:
Our Sons are Sots, and all our Daughters Whores,
Because we keep the Woolf just from the Doors:
Was ever Man so void of Sense and Shame,
As thus against all Reason to exclaim?
As if a Wife her Kindness to impart,
Shou'd teaze her Husband as to break his Heart:
This is such Stuff as ne'er was heard before,
But hope the like again shall see no more.

Answer to the Fifth Mock Comfort

I here agree with this, my Rhiming Foe,
And own 'tis Folly when the Case is so;
For whatsoe'er the cunning Jilt pretend
To her Old Husband, yet she'll have Her Friend;
She'll coax the Dotard when his Bags are full,
Yet even then graft Horns upon his Skull,
Makes him a Beggar to enrich her Cull:
She seems most fond, till she gets all the Pence,
And then with Bag and Baggage marches thence;
She leaves the Fool without one single Cross,
To sit, lamenting for his fatal Loss.

Answer to the Sixth Mock Comfort

But here I differ from the Poet's Thought,
Who says, A Scold as even good for nought;
For, like Job's Wife, she will Man's Patience try,
And bring Repentance too, before he die:
Then who'd live single, if a Scolding Wife
Works such great Wonders in a Husband's Life?

Answer to the Seventh Mock Comfort

No modest Woman will disdain her Spouse,
Because he seldom peeps into her House;
Since Age and Sickness doth the Sport prevent,
She'll exercise her Patience with Content:
For where all's gone, the Queen must lose Her Right,