Bones in London

"What's the game?" asked Hamilton suspiciously.

"There's no game," said the depressed Bones. "This is a very seriouspiece of business, my jolly old comrade. As my highly respectedpartner, you're entitled to use the office as you like – come in whenyou like, go home when you like. If you have a pain in the tum-tum, dear old friend, just go to bed and trust old Bones to carry on. Useany paper that's going, help yourself to nibs – you'll find there's somebeautiful nibs in that cupboard – in fact, do as you jolly well like; but – "

"But?" repeated Hamilton.

"On one point alone, dear old thing," said Bones miserably, yetheroically, "we do not share."

"What's that?" asked Hamilton, not without curiosity.

"My typewriter is my typewriter," said Bones firmly, and Hamiltonlaughed.

"You silly ass!" he said. "I'm not going to play with your typewriter."

"That's just what I mean," said Bones. "You couldn't have put itbetter, dear old friend. Thank you."

He strode across the room, gripped Hamilton's hand and wrung it.

"Dear old thing, she's too young," he said brokenly. "Hard life …terrible experience… Play with her young affections, dear old thing?No…"

"Who the dickens are you talking about? You said typewriter."

"I said typewriter," agreed Bones gravely. "I am speaking about my – "

A light dawned upon Hamilton.

"You mean your secretary?"

"I mean my secretary," said Bones.

"Good Heavens, Bones!" scoffed Hamilton. "Of course I shan't botherher. She's your private secretary, and naturally I wouldn't think ofgiving her work."

"Or orders," said Bones gently. "That's a point, dear old thing. Isimply couldn't sit here and listen to you giving her orders. I shouldscream. I'm perfectly certain I can trust you, Ham. I know what youare with the girls, but there are times – "

"You know what I am with the girls?" said the wrathful Hamilton. "Whatthe dickens do you know about me, you libellous young devil?"

Bones raised his hand.

"We will not refer to the past," he said meaningly and was soimpressive that Hamilton began to search his mind for some forgottenpeccadillo.

"All that being arranged to our mutual satisfaction, dear old partner,"said Bones brightly, "permit me to introduce you."

He walked to the glass-panelled door leading to the outer office, andknocked discreetly, Hamilton watching him in wonder. He saw himdisappear, closing the door after him. Presently he came out again, following the girl.

"Dear young miss," said Bones in his squeakiest voice, a sure sign ofhis perturbation, "permit me to introduce partner, ancient commander, gallant and painstaking, jolly old Captain Hamilton, D.S.O. – whichstands, young typewriter, for Deuced Satisfactory Officer."

The girl, smiling, shook hands, and Hamilton for the first time lookedher in the face. He had been amazed before by her classic beauty, butnow he saw a greater intelligence than he had expected to find in sopretty a face, and, most pleasing of all, a sense of humour.

"Bones and I are very old friends," he explained.

"Hem!" said Bones severely.

"Bones?" said the girl, puzzled.

"Naturally!" murmured Bones. "Dear old Ham, be decent. You can'texpect an innocent young typewriter to think of her employer as'Bones.'"

"I'm awfully sorry," Hamilton hastened to apologise, "but you see,

Bones and I – "

"Dicky Orum," murmured Bones. "Remember yourself, Ham, old indiscreetone – Mr. Tibbetts. And here's the naughty old picture-taker," he saidin another tone, and rushed to offer an effusive welcome to a smartyoung man with long, black, wavy hair and a face reminiscent, to allstudents who have studied his many pictures, of Louis XV. Strangelyenough, his name was Louis. He was even called Lew.

"Sit down, my dear Mr. Becksteine," said Bones. "Let me introduce youto my partner. Captain Hamilton, D.S.O. – a jolly old comrade-in-armsand all that sort of thing. My lady typewriter you know, and anyway, there's no necessity for your knowing her – I mean," he saidhastily, "she doesn't want to know you, dear old thing. Now, don't bepeevish. Ham, you sit there. Becksteine will sit there. You, youngmiss, will sit near me, ready to take down my notes as they fall frommy ingenious old brain."

In the bustle and confusion the embarrassing moment of Hamilton'sintroduction was forgotten. Bones had a manuscript locked away in thebottom drawer of his desk, and when he had found the key for this, andhad placed the document upon the table, and when he had found certainother papers, and when the girl was seated in a much more comfortablechair – Bones fussed about like an old hen – the proceedings began.

Bones explained.

He had seen the derelict cinema company advertised in a technicaljournal, had been impressed with the amount of the impedimenta whichaccompanied the proprietorship of the syndicate, had been seized with abrilliant idea, bought the property, lock, stock, and barrel, for twothousand pounds, for which sum, as an act of grace, the lateproprietors allowed him to take over the contract of Mr. LewBecksteine, that amiable and gifted producer.

It may be remarked, in passing, that this arrangement was immenselysatisfactory to the syndicate, which was so tied and bound to Mr.Becksteine for the next twelve months that to have cancelled hiscontract would have cost them the greater part of the purchase pricewhich Bones paid.

"This is the story," said Bones impressively. "And, partner Ham, believe me, I've read many, many stories in my life, but never, neverhas one touched me as this has. It's a jolly old tear-bringer, Ham.Even a hardened, wicked old dev – old bird like you would positivelydissolve. You would really, dear old Ham, so don't deny it. You knowyou've got one of the tenderest hearts in the world, you rascal!"

He got up and shook hands with Hamilton, though there was no necessityfor him to move.

"Now, clever old Becksteine thinks that this is going to be a scorcher."

"A winner, a winner," murmured Mr. Becksteine, closing his eyes andshaking his head. He spoke on this occasion very softly, but he couldraise his voice to thrilling heights. "A sure winner, my dear sir. Ihave been in the profession for twenty-seven years, and never in mylife have I read a drama which contains so much heart appeal – "

"You hear?" said Bones in a hoarse whisper.

" – so much genuine comedy – "

Bones nodded.

" – so much that I might say goes straight to the passionate heart ofthe great public, as this remarkable, brilliantly planned, admirablyplanted, exquisitely balanced little cameo of real life."

"It's to be a two-roller," said Bones.

"Reeler," murmured Mr. Becksteine.

"Reeler or roller, dear old thing; don't let's quarrel over how athing's spelt," said Bones.

"Who wrote it?" asked Hamilton.

Mr. Becksteine coughed modestly.

"Jolly old Becksteine wrote it," said Bones. "That man, Ham, is one ofthe most brilliant geniuses in this or any other world. Aren't you?Speak up, old playwright. Don't be shy, old thing."