Penelope's Irish Experiences

“Strong, indeed!” exclaimed the incensed Benella, in a burst of New England wrath. “There’s nothing strong about the place but the impidence of the people in it! If you had told Peter to get a carpenter or a locksmith, as I’ve been asking you these two weeks, it would have been all right; but you never do anything till a month after it’s too late. I’ve no patience with such a set of doshies, dawdling around and leaving everything to go to rack and ruin!”

“Sure it was yourself that ruinated the thing,” responded Molly, with spirit, for the unaccustomed word ‘doshy’ had kindled her quick Irish temper. “It’s aisy handlin’ the knob is used to, and faith it would ‘a’ stuck there for you a twelvemonth!”

“They will be quarrelling soon,” said Salemina nervously. “Do not wait another instant; you are late enough now, and I insist on your going. Make any excuse you see fit: say I am ill, say I am dead, if you like, but don’t tell the real excuse—it is too shiftless and wretched and embarrassing. Don’t cry, Benella. Molly, Oonah, go downstairs to your work. Mrs. Waterford, I think perhaps you have forgotten that we have already purchased raffle tickets, and we’ll not take any more for fear that we may draw the necklace. Good-bye, dears; tell Lady Killbally I shall see her to-morrow.”

Chapter XV. Penelope weaves a web

‘Why the shovel and tongs
To each other belongs,
And the kettle sings songs
Full of family glee,
While alone with your cup,
Like a hermit you sup,
Och hone, Widow Machree.’

    Samuel Lover.

Francesca and I were gloomy enough, as we drove along facing each other in Ballyfuchsia’s one ‘inside-car’—a strange and fearsome vehicle, partaking of the nature of a broken-down omnibus, a hearse, and an overgrown black beetle. It holds four, or at a squeeze six, the seats being placed from stem to stern lengthwise, and the balance being so delicate that the passengers, when going uphill, are shaken into a heap at the door, which is represented by a ragged leather flap. I have often seen it strew the hard highroad with passengers, as it jolts up the steep incline that leads to Ardnagreena, and the ‘fares’ who succeed in staying in always sit in one another’s laps a good part of the way—a method pleasing only to relatives or intimate friends. Francesca and I agreed to tell the real reason of Salemina’s absence. “It is Ireland’s fault, and I will not have America blamed for it,” she insisted; “but it is so embarrassing to be going to the dinner ourselves, and leaving behind the most important personage. Think of Dr. La Touche’s disappointment, think of Salemina’s; and they’ll never understand why she couldn’t have come in a dressing jacket. I shall advise her to discharge Benella after this episode, for no one can tell the effect it may have upon all our future lives, even those of the doctor’s two poor motherless children.”

It is a four-mile drive to Balkilly Castle, and when we arrived there we were so shaken that we had to retire to a dressing-room for repairs. Then came the dreaded moment when we entered the great hall and advanced to meet Lady Killbally, who looked over our heads to greet the missing Salemina. Francesca’s beauty, my supposed genius, both fell flat; it was Salemina whose presence was especially desired. The company was assembled, save for one guest still more tardy than ourselves, and we had a moment or two to tell our story as sympathetically as possible. It had an uncommonly good reception, and, coupled with the Irish letter I read at dessert, carried the dinner along on a basis of such laughter and good-fellowship that finally there was no place for regret save in the hearts of those who knew and loved Salemina—poor Salemina, spending her dull, lonely evening in our rooms, and later on in her own uneventful bed, if indeed she had been lucky enough to gain access to that bed. I had hoped Lady Killbally would put one of us beside Dr. La Touche, so that we might at least keep Salemina’s memory green by tactful conversation; but it was too large a company to rearrange, and he had to sit by an empty chair, which perhaps was just as salutary, after all. The dinner was very smart, and the company interesting and clever, but my thoughts were elsewhere. As there were fewer squires than dames at the feast, Lady Killbally kindly took me on her left, with a view to better acquaintance, and I was heartily glad of a possible chance to hear something of Dr. La Touche’s earlier life. In our previous interviews, Salemina’s presence had always precluded the possibility of leading the conversation in the wished-for direction.

When I first saw Gerald La Touche I felt that he required explanation. Usually speaking, a human being ought to be able, in an evening’s conversation, to explain himself, without any adventitious aid. If he is a man, alive, vigorous, well poised, conscious of his own individuality, he shows you, without any effort, as much of his past as you need to form your impression, and as much of his future as you have intuition to read. As opposed to the vigorous personality, there is the colourless, flavourless, insubstantial sort, forgotten as soon as learned, and for ever confused with that of the previous or the next comer. When I was a beginner in portrait-painting, I remember that, after I had succeeded in making my background stay back where it belonged, my figure sometimes had a way of clinging to it in a kind of smudgy weakness, as if it were afraid to come out like a man and stand the inspection of my eye. How often have I squandered paint upon the ungrateful object without adding a cubit to its stature! It refused to look like flesh and blood, but resembled rather some half-made creature flung on the passive canvas in a liquid state, with its edges running over into the background. There are a good many of these people in literature, too,—heroes who, like home-made paper dolls, do not stand up well; or if they manage to perform that feat, one unexpectedly discovers, when they are placed in a strong light, that they have no vital organs whatever, and can be seen through without the slightest difficulty. Dr. La Touche does not belong to either of these two classes: he is not warm, magnetic, powerful, impressive: neither is he by any means destitute of vital organs; but his personality is blurred in some way. He seems a bit remote, absentminded, and a trifle, just a trifle, over-resigned. Privately, I think a man can afford to be resigned only to one thing, and that is the will of God; against all other odds I prefer to see him fight till the last armed foe expires. Dr. La Touche is devotedly attached to his children, but quite helpless in their hands; so that he never looks at them with pleasure or comfort or pride, but always with an anxiety as to what they may do next. I understand him better now that I know the circumstances of which he has been the product. (Of course one is always a product of circumstances, unless one can manage to be superior to them.) His wife, the daughter of an American consul in Ireland, was a charming but somewhat feather-brained person, rather given to whims and caprices; very pretty, very young, very much spoiled, very attractive, very undisciplined. All went well enough with them until her father was recalled to America, because of some change in political administration. The young Mrs. La Touche seemed to have no resources apart from her family, and even her baby ‘Jackeen’ failed to absorb her as might have been expected.

“We thought her a most trying woman at this time,” said Lady Killbally. “She seemed to have no thought of her husband’s interests, and none of the responsibilities that she had assumed in marrying him; her only idea of life appeared to be amusement and variety and gaiety. Gerald was a student, and always very grave and serious; the kind of man who invariably marries a butterfly, if he can find one to make him miserable. He was exceedingly patient; but after the birth of little Broona, Adeline became so homesick and depressed and discontented that, although the journey was almost an impossibility at the time, Gerald took her back to her people, and left her with them, while he returned to his duties at Trinity College. Their life, I suppose, had been very unhappy for a year or two before this, and when he came home to Dublin without his children, he looked a sad and broken man. He was absolutely faithful to his ideals, I am glad to say, and never wavered in his allegiance to his wife, however disappointed he may have been in her; going over regularly to spend his long vacations in America, although she never seemed to wish to see him. At last she fell into a state of hopeless melancholia; and it was rather a relief to us all to feel that we had judged her too severely, and that her unreasonableness and her extraordinary caprices had been born of mental disorder more than of moral obliquity. Gerald gave up everything to nurse her and rouse her from her apathy; but she faded away without ever once coming back to a more normal self, and that was the end of it all. Gerald’s father had died meanwhile, and he had fallen heir to the property and the estates. They were very much encumbered, but he is gradually getting affairs into a less chaotic state; and while his fortune would seem a small one to you extravagant Americans, he is what we Irish paupers would call well to do.”

Lady Killbally was suspiciously willing to give me all this information,—so much so that I ventured to ask about the children.

“They are captivating, neglected little things,” she said. “Madame La Touche, an aged aunt, has the ostensible charge of them, and she is a most easy-going person. The servants are of the ‘old family’ sort, the reckless, improvident, untidy, devoted, quarrelsome creatures that always stand by the ruined Irish gentry in all their misfortunes, and generally make their life a burden to them at the same time. Gerald is a saint, and therefore never complains.”

“It never seems to me that saints are altogether adapted to positions like these,” I sighed; “sinners would do ever so much better. I should like to see Dr. La Touche take off his halo, lay it carefully on the bureau, and wield a battle-axe. The world will never acknowledge his merit; it will even forget him presently, and his life will have been given up to the evolution of the passive virtues. Do you suppose he will recognise the tender passion if it ever does bud in his breast, or will he think it a weed, instead of a flower, and let it wither for want of attention?”

“I think his friends will have to enhance his self-respect, or he will for ever be too modest to declare himself,” said Lady Killbally. “Perhaps you can help us: he is probably going to America this winter to lecture at some of your universities, and he may stay there for a year or two, so he says. At any rate, if the right woman ever appears on the scene, I hope she will have the instinct to admire and love and reverence him as we do,” and here she smiled directly into my eyes, and slipping her pretty hand under the tablecloth squeezed mine in a manner that spoke volumes.

It is not easy to explain one’s desire to marry off all the unmarried persons in one’s vicinity. When I look steadfastly at any group of people, large or small, they usually segregate themselves into twos under my prophetic eye. It they are nice and attractive, I am pleased to see them mated; if they are horrid and disagreeable, I like to think of them as improving under the discipline of matrimony. It is joy to see beauty meet a kindling eye, but I am more delighted still to watch a man fall under the glamour of a plain, dull girl, and it is ecstasy for me to see a perfectly unattractive, stupid woman snapped up at last, when I have given up hopes of settling her in life. Sometimes there are men so uninspiring that I cannot converse with them a single moment without yawning; but though failures in all other relations, one can conceive of their being tolerably useful as husbands and fathers; not for one’s self, you understand, but for one’s neighbours.

Dr. La Touche’s life now, to any understanding eye, is as incomplete as the unfinished window in Aladdin’s tower. He is too wrinkled, too studious, too quiet, too patient for his years. His children need a mother, his old family servants need discipline, his baronial halls need sweeping and cleaning (I haven’t seen them, but I know they do!), and his aged aunt needs advice and guidance. On the other hand, there are those (I speak guardedly) who have walked in shady, sequestered paths all their lives, looking at hundreds of happy lovers on the sunny highroad, but never joining them; those who adore erudition, who love children, who have a genius for unselfish devotion, who are sweet and refined and clever, and who look perfectly lovely when they put on grey satin and leave off eyeglasses. They say they are over forty, and although this probably is exaggeration, they may be thirty-nine and three-quarters; and if so, the time is limited in which to find for them a worthy mate, since half of the masculine population is looking for itself, and always in the wrong quarter, needing no assistance to discover rose-cheeked idiots of nineteen, whose obvious charms draw thousands to a dull and uneventful fate.

These thoughts were running idly through my mind while the Honourable Michael McGillicuddy was discoursing to me of Mr. Gladstone’s misunderstanding of Irish questions,—a misunderstanding, he said, so colossal, so temperamental, and so all-embracing, that it amounted to genius. I was so anxious to return to Salemina that I wished I had ordered the car at ten thirty instead of eleven; but I made up my mind, as we ladies went to the drawing-room for coffee, that I would seize the first favourable opportunity to explore the secret chambers of Dr. La Touche’s being. I love to rummage in out-of-the-way corners of people’s brains and hearts if they will let me. I like to follow a courteous host through the public corridors of his house and come upon a little chamber closed to the casual visitor. If I have known him long enough I put my hand on the latch and smile inquiringly. He looks confused and conscious, but unlocks the door. Then I peep in, and often I see something that pleases and charms and touches me so much that it shows in my eyes when I lift them to his to say “Thank you.” Sometimes, after that, my host gives me the key and says gravely “Pray come in whenever you like.”

When Dr. La Touche offers me this hospitality I shall find out whether he knows anything of that lavender-scented guest-room in Salemina’s heart. First, has he ever seen it? Second, has he ever stopped in it for any length of time? Third, was he sufficiently enamoured of it to occupy it on a long lease?

Chapter XVI. Salemina has her chance

‘And what use is one’s life widout chances?
Ye’ve always a chance wid the tide.’

    Jane Barlow.

I was walking with Lady Fincoss, and Francesca with Miss Clondalkin, a very learned personage who has deciphered more undecipherable inscriptions than any lady in Ireland, when our eyes fell upon an unexpected tableau.

Seated on a divan in the centre of the drawing-room, in a most distinguished attitude, in unexceptionable attire, and with the rose-coloured lights making all her soft greys opalescent, was Miss Salemina Peabody. Our exclamations of astonishment were so audible that they must have reached the dining-room, for Lord Killbally did not keep the gentlemen long at their wine.

Salemina cannot tell a story quite as it ought to be told to produce an effect. She is too reserved, too concise, too rigidly conscientious. She does not like to be the centre of interest, even in a modest contretemps like being locked out of a room which contains part of her dress; but from her brief explanation to Lady Killbally, her more complete and confidential account on the way home, and Benella’s graphic story when we arrived there, we were able to get all the details.

When the inside-car passed out of view with us, it appears that Benella wept tears of rage, at the sight of which Oonah and Molly trembled. In that moment of despair and remorse, her mind worked as it must always have done before the Salem priestess befogged it with hazy philosophies, understood neither by teacher nor by pupil. Peter had come back, but could suggest nothing. Benella forgot her ‘science,’ which prohibits rage and recrimination, and called him a great, hulking, lazy vagabone, and told him she’d like to have him in Salem for five minutes, just to show him a man with head on his shoulders.

“You call this a Christian country,” she said, “and you haven’t got a screwdriver, nor a bradawl, nor a monkey-wrench, nor a rat-tail file, nor no kind of a useful tool to bless yourselves with; and my Miss Peabody, that’s worth ten dozen of you put together, has got to stay home from the Castle and eat warmed-up scraps served in courses, with twenty minutes’ wait between ‘em. Now you do as I say: take the dining-table and set it out under the window, and the carving-table on top o’ that, and see how fur up it’ll reach. I guess you can’t stump a Salem woman by telling her there ain’t no ladder.”

The two tables were finally in position; but there still remained nine feet of distance to that key of the situation, Salemina’s window, and Mrs. Waterford’s dressing-table went on top of this pile. “Now, Peter,” were the next orders, “if you’ve got sprawl enough, and want to rest yourself by doin’ something useful for once in your life, you just hold down the dining-table; and you and Oonah, Molly, keep the next two tables stiddy, while I climb up.”

The intrepid Benella could barely reach the sill, even from this ingeniously dizzy elevation, and Mrs. Waterford and Salemina were called on to ‘stiddy’ the tables, while Molly was bidden to help by giving an heroic ‘boost’ when the word of command came. The device was completely successful, and in a trice the conqueror disappeared, to reappear at the window holding the precious pearl-embroidered bodice wrapped in a towel. “I wouldn’t stop to fool with the door-knob till I dropped you this,” she said. “Oonah, you go and wash your hands clean, and help Miss Peabody into it,—and mind you start the lacing right at the top; and you, Peter, run down to Rooney’s and get the donkey and the cart, and bring ‘em back with you,—and don’t you let the grass grow under your feet neither!”

There was literally no other mode of conveyance within miles, and time was precious. Salemina wrapped herself in Francesca’s long black cloak, and climbed into the cart. Dinnis hauls turf in it, takes a sack of potatoes or a pig to market in it, and the stubborn little ass, blind of one eye, has never in his wholly elective course of existence taken up the subject of speed.

It was eight o’clock when Benella mounted the seat beside Salemina, and gave the donkey a preliminary touch of the stick.

“Be aisy wid him,” cautioned Peter. “He’s a very arch donkey for a lady to be dhrivin’, and mebbe he’d lay down and not get up for you.”

“Arrah! shut yer mouth, Pether. Give him a couple of belts anondher the hind leg, melady, and that’ll put the fear o’ God in him!” said Dinnis.

“I’d rather not go at all,” urged Salemina timidly; “it’s too late, and too extraordinary.”

“I’m not going to have it on my conscience to make you lose this dinner-party,—not if I have to carry you on my back the whole way,” said Benella doggedly; “and this donkey won’t lay down with me more’n once,—I can tell him that right at the start.”

“Sure, melady, he’ll go to Galway for you, when oncet he’s started wid himself; and it’s only a couple o’ fingers to the Castle, annyways.”

The four-mile drive, especially through the village of Ballyfuchsia, was an eventful one, but by dint of prodding, poking, and belting, Benella had accomplished half the distance in three-quarters of an hour, when the donkey suddenly lay down ‘on her,’ according to Peter’s prediction. This was luckily at the town cross, where a group of idlers rendered hearty assistance. Willing as they were to succour a lady in disthress, they did not know of any car which could be secured in time to be of service, but one of them offered to walk and run by the side of the donkey, so as to kape him on his legs. It was in this wise that Miss Peabody approached Balkilly Castle; and when a gilded gentleman-in-waiting lifted her from Rooney’s ‘plain cart,’ she was just on the verge of hysterics. Fortunately his Magnificence was English, and betrayed no surprise at the arrival in this humble fashion of a dinner guest, but simply summoned the Irish housekeeper, who revived her with wine, and called on all the saints to witness that she’d never heard of such a shameful thing, and such a disgrace to Ballyfuchsia. The idea of not keeping a ladder in a house where the door-knobs were apt to come off struck her as being the worst feature of the accident, though this unexpected and truly Milesian view of the matter had never occurred to us.

“Well, I got Miss Peabody to the dinner-party,” said Benella triumphantly, when she was laboriously unlacing my frock, later on, “or at least I got her there before it broke up. I had to walk every step o’ the way home, and the donkey laid down four times, but I was so nerved up I didn’t care a mite. I was bound Miss Peabody shouldn’t lose her chance, after all she’s done for me!”

“Her chance?” I asked, somewhat puzzled, for dinners, even Castle dinners, are not rare in Salemina’s experience.

“Yes, her chance,” repeated Benella mysteriously; “you’d know well enough what I mean, if you’d ben born and brought up in Salem, Massachusetts!”

Copy of a letter read by Penelope O’Connor, descendant of the King of Connaught, at the dinner of Lord and Lady Killbally at Balkilly Castle. It needed no apology then, but in sending it to our American friends, we were obliged to explain that though the Irish peasants interlard their conversation with saints, angels, and devils, and use the name of the Virgin Mary, and even the Almighty, with, to our ears, undue familiarity and frequency, there is no profane or irreverent intent. They are instinctively religious, and it is only because they feel on terms of such friendly intimacy with the powers above that they speak of them so often.

    At the Widdy Mullarkey’s,
    Knockarney House, Ballyfuchsia,
    County Kerry.

Och! musha bedad, man alive, but it’s a fine counthry over here, and it bangs all the jewel of a view we do be havin’ from the windys, begorra! Knockarney House is in a wild, remoted place at the back of beyant, and faix we’re as much alone as Robinson Crusoe on a dissolute island; but when we do be wishful to go to the town, sure there’s ivery convaniency. There’s ayther a bit of a jauntin’ car wid a skewbald pony for drivin’, or we can borry the loan of Dinnis Rooney’s blind ass wid the plain cart, or we can just take a fut in a hand and leg it over the bog. Sure it’s no great thing to go do, but only a taste of divarsion like, though it’s three good Irish miles an’ powerful hot weather, with niver a dhrop of wet these manny days. It’s a great old spring we’re havin’ intirely; it has raison to be proud of itself, begob!

Paddy, the gossoon that drives the car (it’s a gossoon we call him, but faix he stands five fut nine in his stockin’s, when he wears anny)—Paddy, as I’m afther tellin’ you, lives in a cabin down below the knockaun, a thrifle back of the road. There’s a nate stack of turf fornint it, and a pitaty pot sets beside the doore, wid the hins and chuckens rachin’ over into it like aigles tryin’ to swally the smell.

Across the way there does be a bit of sthrame that’s fairly shtiff wid troutses in the saison, and a growth of rooshes under the edge lookin’ that smooth and greeny it must be a pleasure intirely to the grand young pig and the goat that spinds their time by the side of it when out of doores, which is seldom. Paddy himself is raggetty like, and a sight to behould wid the daylight shinin’ through the ould coat on him; but he’s a dacint spalpeen, and sure we’d be lost widout him. His mother’s a widdy woman with nine moidtherin’ childer, not countin’ the pig an’ the goat, which has aquil advantages. It’s nine she has livin’, she says, and four slapin’ in the beds o’ glory; and faix I hope thim that’s in glory is quieter than the wans that’s here, for the divil is busy wid thim the whole of the day. Here’s wan o’ thim now makin’ me as onaisy as an ould hin on a hot griddle, slappin’ big sods of turf over the dike, and ruinatin’ the timpers of our poulthry. We’ve a right to be lambastin’ thim this blessed minute, the crathurs; as sure as eggs is mate, if they was mine they’d sup sorrow wid a spoon of grief, before they wint to bed this night!

Mistress Colquhoun, that lives at Ardnagreena on the road to the town, is an iligant lady intirely, an’ she’s uncommon frindly, may the peace of heaven be her sowl’s rist! She’s rale charitable-like an’ liberal with the whativer, an’ as for Himself, sure he’s the darlin’ fine man! He taches the dead-and-gone languages in the grand sates of larnin’, and has more eddication and comperhinson than the whole of County Kerry rowled together.

Then there’s Lord and Lady Killbally; faix there’s no iliganter family on this counthryside, and they has the beautiful quality stoppin’ wid thim, begob! They have a pew o’ their own in the church, an’ their coachman wears top-boots wid yaller chimbleys to thim. They do be very openhanded wid the eatin’ and the drinkin’, and it bangs Banagher the figurandyin’ we do have wid thim! So you see Ould Ireland is not too disthressful a counthry to be divartin’ ourselves in, an’ we have our healths finely, glory be to God!