Getting to Yes with Yourself: And Other Worthy Opponents

Getting to Yes with Yourself: And Other Worthy Opponents
William Ury

In his highly anticipated follow up to the bestselling “Getting to Yes: Negotiation Agreement Without Giving”, Harvard University’s world renowned negotiation expert William Ury provides the definitive guide to attaining success at work and at home.Drawing upon decades of experience in some of the world’s most challenging conflict areas – from million-dollar corporate mergers to high profile Middle Eastern struggles – Ury highlights a previously unexamined issue which affects us all, personally and professionally: the biggest obstacle to achieving what we want comes from our own self-destructive actions.In his brilliant new book, Ury outlines practical strategies for dealing with the inner conflicts that hinder our successes. From tactics for dealing with an untrustworthy work colleague, to methods for handling a divorce conversation, and coming out on top, “Getting to Yes with Yourself” outlines universal techniques for success in seven compelling chapters.Fresh and insightful, “Getting to Yes with Yourself” will transform the way you approach your life.

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First published in the US by HarperOne 2015

This UK edition published by Thorsons 2015

FIRST EDITION

© William Ury 2015

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Source ISBN: 9780008106058

Ebook Edition © January 2015 ISBN: 9780008106065

Version 2014-12-18

To my teachers—with profound gratitude

Contents

Cover (#u4ff90dfd-5e66-50f0-9798-cd01d096b98c)

Title Page (#u0f596e3f-a033-5270-a3ba-8c2b4f80b566)

Copyright

Dedication (#uc2f5afd4-64b8-53d1-86fa-86786e26a36d)

Introduction: The First Negotiation

1 Put Yourself in Your Shoes

From Self-Judgment to Self-Understanding

2 Develop Your Inner BATNA From Blame to Self-Responsibility

3 Reframe Your Picture From Unfriendly to Friendly

4 Stay in the Zone From Resistance to Acceptance

5 Respect Them Even If From Exclusion to Inclusion

6 Give and Receive From Win-Lose to Win-Win-Win

Conclusion: The Three Wins

Notes

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Also by William Ury

About the Publisher

Introduction (#u3eb9c431-441c-5f7e-8d69-476e548acd0e)

The First Negotiation (#u3eb9c431-441c-5f7e-8d69-476e548acd0e)

Let him who would move the world first move himself.

—SOCRATES

How can we get to yes with others? How can we resolve the conflicts that naturally arise with colleagues and bosses, spouses and partners, clients and customers, children and family members, indeed almost everyone we interact with? How can we get what we really want and at the same time deal with the needs of others in our lives? Perhaps no human dilemma is more pervasive or challenging.

I have been working on this dilemma throughout my professional life. Three and a half decades ago I had the privilege of coauthoring with my late mentor and colleague Roger Fisher Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. That book helped people change the way they negotiate with others at work, at home, and in the community. With millions of copies in circulation around the world, it helped transform the popular mindset for dealing with differences from “win-lose” thinking to a “win-win” or “mutual gains” approach.

Reaching mutually satisfying agreements can often be highly challenging, however. Since the publication of Getting to Yes, I have had the opportunity to train tens of thousands of people in all walks of life in the methods of mutual gains negotiation: managers, lawyers, factory workers, coal miners, schoolteachers, diplomats, peacekeepers, parliamentarians, and government officials. Many report success in changing the game from “win-lose” to “win-win,” but others struggle. Even if they have learned the basics of a win-win approach to negotiation, when placed in situations of conflict, they revert back to costly and destructive win-lose methods, usually attributing this reversion to the necessity of dealing with difficult people.

Because I have focused in my work on how to deal with difficult people and challenging situations, I thought I might be able to help further. So I wrote a follow-up book called Getting Past No and, in more recent years, another book called The Power of a Positive No. The methods described in these books have also helped many people to resolve their daily conflicts, but still I sensed something missing.

What was missing, I have come to realize, was the first and most important negotiation we ever conduct—the negotiation with ourselves.

Getting to yes with yourself prepares the way for getting to yes with others. I have come to think of this book as the missing first half of Getting to Yes. It is the necessary prequel, but thirty years ago I did not fully realize just how necessary. If Getting to Yes is about changing the outer game of negotiation, Getting to Yes with Yourself is about changing the inner game so that we can then change the outer game. After all, how can we really expect to get to yes with others, particularly in challenging situations, if we haven’t first gotten to yes with ourselves?

Our Worthiest Opponent

Whether we think of it or not, each of us negotiates every day. In the broad sense of the term, negotiation simply means the act of back-and-forth communication trying to reach agreement with others. Over the years, I have asked hundreds of audiences the question “Who do you negotiate with in the course of your day?” The answers I receive usually start with “my spouse or partner” and “my children,” continue on to “my boss,” “my colleagues,” and “my clients,” and finally to “everyone in my life all the time.” But, every so often, one person will answer: “I negotiate with myself.” And the audience inevitably laughs—with the laughter of recognition.