Eat Me: Love, Sex and the Art of Eating

He eats nothing but doves, love, and that breeds hot blood, and hot blood begets hot thoughts, and hot thoughts beget hot deeds, and hot deeds is love.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

An aphrodisiac is anything at all that piques our sexual interest. Everyone has their own personal catalogue of food that inexplicably turns them on. It really is a case of one horny man’s meat being another man’s total turnoff.

It’s all about personal experience and memory. For example, if you had your first sexual encounter having just had baked beans on toast for dinner then that humble repast will be forever imprinted in your memory as a sexual trigger, which is exactly what an aphrodisiac is all about.

The mind boggles!

There are also those generic aphrodisiacs that seem to work for everyone, goodness knows why. For example, we have already ascertained that in the case of oysters they are loaded with zinc, which is known to increase energy and assist fertility, but is it really that scientific or could it be purely psychological, caused by our wicked imaginations playing tricks on us?

I have put together a collection of some pretty powerful aphrodisiacs for your delight and delectation. Experiment, and see what works for you.

N.B. The best aphrodisiac of all is love. Passion, where love is also present, knows no bounds and has no limits.

Divine Aphrodite, much celebrated lover of laughter, companion of Bacchus, whose bliss is abundant, patroness of feasts which last for nights.

HOMER, THE ILIAD

Now, here is an interesting thing. A recent sex study in America involving a group of men tested penile blood flow in response to various aromas. Apparently, the more erotic they found the smell, the greater the reaction. With me so far? The stuff they tested included, amongst other things, expensive perfumes, female pheromones, suntan lotion, various flowers and freshly ground coffee. They found out that the biggest turn on, the one that set the blood rushing, was none other than the spice cinnamon (now known as Love Dust), which by pure coincidence (or is it?) was the signature spice of the greatest female seductress of all time, Aphrodite, goddess of love.

Apparently, when she needed a little assistance with her seduction technique (despite her well-documented and considerable charms), she simply sprinkled a little cinnamon dust onto her victim’s dinner and the poor man was toast. Putty in her hands. It has to be worth a try!

Here are a few more:

It is mooted that caviar works very well, it’s the zinc thing again, though I personally believe it’s because it is so damn expensive you feel spoilt and special, ergo, horny, just being around the stuff. Also, any kind of shellfish: prawns, lobster, mussels, scallops – all that prising, peeling, licking and sucking does it for me every time.

With regards fruit, I love grapes because you get to drape a bunch of them over your mouth and devour them in the manner of a Roman orgy; strawberries, because they fit so nicely into a champagne glass and are the perfect fruit to dip in melted chocolate and feed to your lover; figs, because, well, I won’t go into detail, suffice to say they bear a startling resemblance to female genitalia when cut in half; but the high priestess of aphrodisiac fruits, as quoted in the Kama Sutra, is the pomegranate. It was also the sacred fruit of Aphrodite, and we know what a little minx she was! For my money, if sex were a fruit it would be a mango: the taste, texture and perfume drive this woman to distraction.

Asparagus is also extremely effective. Again, I think it’s the licking and sucking quota that makes it so sexy, rather than the actual taste. Of course, we cannot forget the truffle, the smell of which drives men and women wild; that musky aroma is capable of arousing even the most reticent lover.

N.B. If you are seeking a guaranteed successful seduction I will avail you of my secret weapon, a menu so packed with aphrodisiacs it should carry a health warning.

Culinary Viagra

Start with some stems of lightly steamed asparagus served with hollandaise for dipping, follow this with a steaming bowl of tagliatelle dressed with nothing but a large knob of butter, a dusting of Parmesan and finished off with shavings of fresh white truffle. Dessert is slices of mango and pomegranate seeds sprinkled with cinnamon. You should, of course, serve nothing but champagne throughout the whole meal.

Use this menu wisely and sparingly, as it will provoke nothing short of a sexual frenzy.

Herbs and spices are jammed with aphrodisiacal powers. Cinnamon, as we have discussed, is top of the list, also ginger for male fertility and nutmeg for staying power. Ginseng can apparently fuel our sexuality in the manner of rabid rabbits, and saffron, here’s one for the girls, assists in arousal as it ensures our erogenous zones are ultra sensitive.

I find one of the most effective, sure-fire aphrodisiacs is champagne. It gets you squiffy quite fast and one tends to lose all one’s inhibitions, along with one’s knickers. Clearly all alcohol can be used to the same effect, but a pint of bitter does not quite have the same ring to it nor, I imagine, the same results.

My family has an old recipe that is reserved expressly for honeymooners. As newlyweds my parents spent a few days of their honeymoon on my grandfather’s farm near Parma. While they were there my great-grandmother, Nonna Marianna – in a bid to assist the baby-making process – would knock up her version of an aphrodisiac every morning and deliver it to the happy couple at breakfast time, placing it outside their door with a sharp rap of her knuckles to alert them to its presence.

The recipe was passed down to her from her great-grandmother and a few years ago when my sister and brother-in-law were passing a few days of their honeymoon at the farm before their grand tour of Italy, it was my mother who was at hand to prepare for them this very special family tradition.

Nonna Marianna had 12 kids and swore that each one was due to this recipe.

Uova Sbattute Luna di Miele (Honeymoon Eggs)

4 egg yolks; 4 tbsp caster sugar; 4 tbsp Marsala.

Whisk the egg yolks and sugar together until you have a pale gold, creamy froth then add the Marsala and a huge pinch of love.

It’s kind of like an uncooked Zabaglione, although much lighter and without the Savoyard biscuits.

The happy couple are meant to share a bowl of this every morning to ensure virility in him and fertility in her.

N.B. My Nonna died at the ripe old age of 97, and a wiser woman I have yet to meet.

PINK CLOUD (#ulink_346ee84b-fb6b-5871-b0c0-49f9771966f0)

Rose-Tinted Rapture

Knowing you is such delicious torment.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

My, oh my, things are going well. You have now crossed the relationship Rubicon and are officially in that delicious stage commonly referred to as ‘Pink Cloud’.

You lucky people.

You have so much to look forward to. This is my favourite bit (which explains a lot about me). By now it’s clear that you are both very keen, although neither of you has actually said anything you can just feel it and see it written in each other’s eyes.

You are slowly starting to discover each other’s characteristics and foibles, layer by layer, much like peeling an onion, and you get a real kick out of doing fairly mundane things together like, supermarket shopping, travelling to work, going to the gym, etc. They are all so much more fun, a deux.

Operating in Pink Cloud ensures that when you go out to dinner it seems for all the world as if the two of you are the only people in the restaurant, existing in your own little bubble. Invariably you are the last to leave and the waiters usually end up sweeping up around you, but even then you are having so much fun you can’t bear the evening to end and search out a late night bar so you can carry on talking and touching, thrilled by the simple fact of being together.

You have gone from only seeing each other on Saturday nights to spending the whole of Sunday together in blessed and blissful Pink Cloud rapture. For the culinary goddess this presents the perfect opportunity to dazzle him, but it does mean getting just a little organised in preparation for those dreamy weekends you now spend joined at the hip.

EASY LIKE SUNDAY MORNING (#ulink_d1f905c8-05e9-55ce-a254-d484ef1b87e9)

Brilliant Brunches

Here’s to me and here’s to you and here’s to love and laughter.

I’ll be true as long as you and not one moment after.

IRISH BREAKFAST TOAST

Your eyes flutter open, it’s Sunday morning – well, just, it’s 11.55am. You snuggle closer to your still sleeping bed mate, sigh contentedly and let your mind wander.