The Widows’ Club

‘But at some point you have to move past that stage.’

‘And move on to bargaining? Give me a break.’

Unlike Justine, Faith’s understanding of the psychology of grief hadn’t come from a Sunday magazine supplement; in fact, she had read extensively on the subject. Returning to April, she said, ‘Did you know that the five-stage grief model was originally developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross after observing terminally ill patients? She expanded it later to include other types of loss but even she noted that popular culture had misunderstood her theory. The stages aren’t supposed to be linear or predictable, if they exist at all.’

‘I have heard quite a few people mention the stages I’m supposed to go through.’

‘Yeah, Mrs Do-goody down the road and the bloke who delivers the newspapers,’ Faith said.

She turned her head and was about to give Justine her best withering look when Nick caught her eye. She couldn’t tell if the spark in his eyes was fear or admiration. After taking a breath, Faith released it with a sigh. ‘Maybe I am holding on to my anger, but sometimes that’s what gets me through the day. All I’m saying is that theories are made to be disproved and there are scientists better qualified than me to offer alternative grief models.’

‘There’s one based on continuing bonds,’ Tara said, her soft voice adding balm to the discussion. ‘It’s where we redefine our relationship with our loved one, finding ways to keep them with us by allowing their influences to play a part in our new lives. There’s no end stage, no point where we have to find closure and put the past behind us. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, wondering if there’s a way for Lily and Molly to keep Joanna and Mike as a part of our new family.’

‘I can understand how Lily must feel having to move home,’ said Faith. ‘My beautiful house is the strongest connection I have with Derek, but if we’re talking about continuing bonds, his legacy goes far beyond the materialistic trappings of life. It broke my heart when I took the decision to withdraw his life support, but I made the right choice when I agreed to donate his organs. It comforts me to know four people are alive today because of him.’

‘I talk to my wife’s photo all the time and ask her advice,’ Steve said. ‘I can feel her pushing me out the door when all I want to do is lock myself away. It’s why I managed to drag myself here in the first place.’

‘And Justine and I would never have set up the group if it wasn’t for Mike and Lisa,’ Tara added. ‘Our paths have all taken a turn we never expected, but when we do something to challenge ourselves, it’s nice to be able to glance over our shoulders and say thank you, I did that because of you.’

‘Erin’s death devastated me.’ Nick was staring at the floor so he didn’t see every face turn in his direction. ‘After she died, I completely shut down,’ he continued. ‘I lost everything and that might have been her legacy, but she deserved better from me. She always did.’ He tried to continue but his voice caught in his throat. ‘Sorry.’

Justine reached over to touch his hand. ‘I’m sure Erin would be proud of you for being here.’

Nick straightened up as Justine pulled her hand away. ‘Actually, she’d probably tell me to man up. She said that a lot.’

‘That won’t do you any good here, mate,’ Steve told him. ‘It’s the one place where you don’t have to hide your feelings.’

‘I think that was part of the problem, but I’m happy to report I’ve been turning things around,’ Nick replied. ‘After losing my job, I put on loads of weight to the point where people stopped recognising me. Then I realised it was the one part of my life I could control, so I hit the gym and literally worked out my frustrations.’

‘I’ve tried working out,’ April said, ‘but I can’t say it made me feel any better.’

‘Give it time,’ Nick said. ‘I was lifting weights when I had this lightbulb moment about starting a limo business. I invested every last penny into it and, touch wood, it’s going well.’

‘As are you,’ Jodie said.

‘I have my moments. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to pull over so I can bawl my eyes out. But just in case anyone’s thinking of using my services, I don’t usually break down when I have passengers in the back.’

‘Letting loose my emotions while driving is my speciality,’ Steve admitted. ‘I have two teenage lads and the last thing they want to see is me snivelling.’

‘Thankfully, I don’t have kids,’ replied Nick, ‘but respect to those who have to deal with someone else’s grief as well as their own.’

When Nick glanced at Faith, she felt compelled to respond. ‘I have a grown-up stepdaughter, but I gave up trying to manage her feelings a long time ago.’

The comment was the perfect segue into the broader topic of difficult relationships, and nearly everyone had a contribution to make. By the time Iain returned to his problems with his in-laws, it felt like the conversation had come full circle and Tara suggested they break up early, leaving time for another coffee and Justine’s untouched muffins.

While Tara was cornered by Jodie, Faith went to join April in the foyer and Nick followed. They chatted for a while, but when the discussion turned to fitness regimes, Faith saw it as the perfect opportunity to leave them to it. She had unfinished business.

Justine was understandably wary when she was pulled to one side, but Faith’s expression was full of concern when she said, ‘These meetings appear so seamless but I was thinking about what you said before about juggling childcare. It made me appreciate the extra effort you’ve taken tonight,’ she said. ‘How are things at home? It must be tough.’

‘Oh, we manage.’

Faith leant forward. ‘Only manage?’

‘Well, let’s just say it’s not easy now that Isla’s graduated to secondary school. Two school runs before work are a daily challenge, I can tell you.’

‘No wonder the strain has been showing,’ Faith said, placing a hand gently on Justine’s arm. ‘You spend so much time supporting the newer members, it’s easy to forget that you need support too. I’m sorry if I was a tad harsh on you in the meeting.’

‘Oh gosh, it’s fine,’ insisted Justine. ‘If you can’t be honest and open in the meeting, where can you?’

‘The same applies to you, remember that,’ Faith said, her tone one of sympathy. ‘You must be worried about Tara. She’s another one with her hands full, and I know she thinks we could carry on without her but how would we fill the void? She’s been dropping hints about me taking over if she leaves. Can you imagine?’

Justine paled. ‘No, not really.’

‘Exactly, but I can’t see you coping on your own either. We need to look after both of you. Don’t suffer alone.’

‘That’s very kind of you, Faith, but I … I’m fine, honestly.’

Through the crowd, Faith spied Nick coming to join them. The timing was perfect. ‘That’s super,’ she said, releasing her grip on Justine’s arm. ‘Here, I’ll leave you two to it.’

She stepped away, but Nick pursued her.

‘I’m heading off,’ he explained, ‘but it was a pleasure meeting you, Faith.’

‘I’ll see you next month then.’

‘You couldn’t keep me away,’ he promised. ‘But I was thinking it might be an idea to set up a WhatsApp group.’

Faith wrinkled her nose. ‘We made a stab at using it at work, but all those pinging messages were so irritating. I muted all the conversations.’

‘I hope you won’t do that to me,’ Nick said, tilting the phone in his hand.

‘I can’t promise,’ Faith said. In the pause that followed, she realised he was waiting to take down her phone number. She reeled it out without thinking.

STATEMENT

The Widows’ Club @thewidowsclub

We are saddened by the distasteful remarks on social media and in the tabloid press but are unable to respond to criticism whilst the police investigation is ongoing. The incident was a tragedy and we ask that people be respectful.

5 (#ulink_4fa151fc-d9f6-59cf-8227-4ca71c0bc703)

April lay on her back listening to the rattle of raindrops hitting her bedroom window. Darkness pressed against her closed lids and tried to push her back towards sleep as she struggled to work out if she had to get up for work. The sun hadn’t risen, but that meant nothing. It was nearing the end of October and the days were getting shorter. Winter was on its way, which immediately laid a trail of languid thoughts towards Christmas.

They had bought a beautiful blue spruce last year and the memory of decorating the tree evoked the smell of woodland and the taste of mulled wine. Jason would recall only how he had picked pine needles out of his socks throughout January – except, April’s weary brain told her, he wouldn’t.

Pain stabbed at her heart, making April gasp, and she wrapped her arms tightly around her body. She stayed like that until she lost track of time and consciousness, but even as she slumbered, she was aware of the space in the bed next to her. When the duvet moved, she let out a whimper and was pulled into a dream not of her choosing.

Bright light flooded the room and April snapped her eyes open to catch sight of Jason jumping out of bed. Wearing only shorts, his skin glowed a healthy pink. She could feel the warmth radiating from his body and everything about him felt real. She needed him to be real.