Uncle Joe's Stories

The decorations were gorgeous, and everything appeared to have been arranged with such care and good taste, and with such an utter disregard of expense, that there were not wanting many, even among those who were acquainted (as who was not) with the upshot of the efforts made by the Prime Minister and the Lord Chamberlain to do honour to their sovereign, who prophesied a greater success and even a triumphant result to the Chief Justice. The hour drew near at which Famcram was expected, and ere long the distant trumpets heralded his approach. The mob cheered him lustily along the streets, not because he was popular, but because he was handsomely dressed, had his crown upon his head and the famous sceptre in his hand, which facts were quite sufficient to justify a mob in cheering anybody.

Nearer and nearer his carriage drew, and at last stopped before the door of Pigspud's mansion. Then, after one last loud flourish, the trumpets ceased to sound. The king alighted to his feet. The Chief Justice received him kneeling on one knee.

Famcram bowed coldly, glanced right and left, and then slowly entered the banqueting room, while his host tremblingly followed behind, his heart balanced between hope and fear, but much, it must be owned, inclining to the latter. The king paused at the entrance of the room. Everything was so beautifully arranged that it was difficult to find fault, even for one who was determined to do so. The flowers, the fruit, the flags, the garlands, the decorations which met his eye were all so splendid, that those who saw them, and knew at the same time that the tyrant was certain to find some occasion to carry out his purpose, marvelled within themselves, what cause for fault-finding he could possibly discover, or what excuse he would be able to invent for his action.

They had not long to marvel, however, for the next moment the eyes of all were turned upon Ophelia, who came sauntering down the room, between the tables, very leisurely, even carelessly, and advanced towards the king.

She was dressed in her morning dress of an unpretending brown colour, fitting closely to the figure, and unadorned by ornament of any kind save a steel chatelaine, from which hung sundry useful articles, scissors, thimble, needlecase and the like; but which added to the suspicion which her general appearance created, that she had merely walked from her sitting-room to the banquetting-hall without any change of toilet in honour of the king.

This was quite enough for Famcram, and furnished him with an excuse for anger against his Chief Justice, far more legitimate than those which had been made the pretext for the punishment of his two brother officials. The king lost no time in flying into a violent passion.

"What ho!" he cried, in as loud a voice as his anger would permit him to raise. "What bold hussey is this who comes to meet her sovereign in common everyday garments? What malapert conduct have we here?" and he strutted forward puffing and fuming like a turkey-cock.

Ophelia, who had learned her lesson well, and knew how much depended upon it, paid not the smallest attention to the anger of the king, but advanced towards him with the same careless step, and a contemptuous smile upon her countenance. Of course this made matters worse, and the unhappy Pigspud trembled in his shoes in dire anticipation of what would follow, whilst the courtiers and attendants opened their eyes wider than they had ever done at the strange conduct of the infatuated maiden.

The sight of the smile upon the maiden's face incensed Famcram to a still greater degree. He stamped violently upon the floor, and turning to the Chief Justice demanded in imperious tones what was the meaning of this insult.

"Who is it?" he cried, "who is this brazen-faced daughter of a demon who dares to come thus into our presence?"

The unhappy Pigspud in trembling tones admitted that it was his own daughter.

"Your daughter?" exclaimed the king, with a smile or rather grin in which fury, triumph and revenge contended for the mastery. "It is then in your house and by your daughter that I am thus treated? I will deal with you presently, Chief Justice. What do you mean, hussey, by this shameful impudence?"

To the surprise of the king himself and of every person present, Ophelia actually yawned whilst the monarch was speaking, and when he had concluded, kept smiling upon him with palpable contempt, and glancing round at the decorations and beautiful objects right and left of her, remarked in a languid, drawling tone – "If you are not content, King Famcram, why did you come?"

This filled up the measure of her iniquity, and drove the king nearly mad. Half beside himself with rage, he seemed to those about him to foam at the mouth as he spluttered forth his furious answer.

"Vile wench! you and your father shall suffer for this! You shall, by all that a Pigmy holds dear I swear it. The fate of Binks and Chinks shall be paradise to your lot, you wretched scum of the earth. Ho! guard, seize these traitors at once, and have the lowest and darkest dungeon made ready for them without delay!"

A groan burst from the lips of the unfortunate Pigspud as the royal lips pronounced these words, for in them he naturally saw the realisation of his worst fears. But before one of the guards could move hand or foot, the fair Ophelia, with the same smile continuously upon her lips, took a step or two forward, and, holding out in her hand the little jar of which we know – but of the existence of which everyone present was profoundly ignorant, said in a remarkably calm and clear voice —

"Pray listen: King Famcram, determined I am
To ask you to taste of my raspberry jam!"

Scarcely were the words out of her mouth when a perceptible change came over the face, voice, and manner of Famcram. The first turned ghastly white; the second sank to a low whisper; and the third lost all its violence, and became as quiet as the manner of a sheep when in the hands of its executioner.

One shiver passed over the king's frame, as if there was a strong internal struggle; but it was over in a moment. Murmuring something so indistinctly that no one was quite sure what he said, but apparently something about "not liking to refuse a lady," he shuffled forward to meet Ophelia, whilst the crowd around was plunged in the deepest amazement at his strange and altered conduct.

The maiden, as he approached, took a small silver salt-spoon from the table near her, scooped out of her jar a good spoonful of the jam, and held it to Famcram's mouth. He meekly received the spoon therein, and devoured the jam without a word, good, bad, or indifferent. The next moment he grovelled – literally grovelled – at Ophelia's feet, covering them with kisses, and vowing that he was her slave for life.

The people could hardly believe their eyes, and looked at each other as if they felt that they must all be in a dream, or suffering from some optical delusion, and that it could not be a reality which was passing before them. But Ophelia took it all quite as a matter of course.

She ordered Famcram, in haughty tones, to kneel on all fours, and as soon as he had done so, she sat down upon him with the greatest calmness.

Wonder upon wonders! The tyrant, who had shown every disposition to treat his people like miserable slaves, seemed now to be reduced to more abject slavery than the meanest of his vassals.

A moment before, he was uttering threats of vengeance against his host; now, he was prostrate and humble, the meek servitor of that host's daughter.

No one could imagine whence or how this mighty change had come, but the voice of Ophelia soon turned their thoughts to other things. Still seated upon her living stool, she bade the guests be seated, and told them that her father would do the honours.

Having seen her power displayed in so miraculous a manner, no one felt the least inclined to disobey her, the more particularly as her commands were by no means of an unwelcome nature, and the feast was one of a very inviting description.

No one offered to interfere between the lady and the sovereign, being probably of opinion that to do so would expose themselves to danger without benefit to their lord and master, for whom, moreover, none of them had any very particular affection. Accordingly they obeyed Ophelia's commands without either reluctance or hesitation, seated themselves at the tables and began to attack the good things thereupon without any unnecessary delay.

Meantime Ophelia kept her seat, and Famcram, not being particularly strong, soon groaned beneath her weight, especially as she did not try to lighten his burden, but sat as heavy as she could, occasionally lifting her feet from the ground to give greater weight to her body. The king spoke not a word, however, being apparently restrained by some power. He merely panted and breathed deeply, once or twice trembling so as to shake the maiden. Whenever he did so, she struck him a sharp blow on the side of the head with the back of her hand, addressing him at the same time with epithets the reverse of complimentary.

"Beast, keep quiet." "Be still, you stupid brute," and such like ejaculations were all the king got from his fair mistress, and this continued until the banquet was well nigh over, and most of the good things consumed. Then Ophelia arose, and taking the king by the ear (which she pinched and twisted so that an involuntary yell broke from the unhappy sufferer), led him to the head of the table at which her father was presiding. The latter trembled even then, partly for fear of the extraordinary power possessed by his daughter, and perhaps in a greater degree lest it should suddenly fail her after all, and the vengeance of the enslaved monarch be worse to endure than would have been his first anger.

No such fear, however, troubled Ophelia, who had her own purpose in what she was now about to do. She desired to show to the people her great and full power over their sovereign, and this she had already done; but it was by no means part of her plan that they should cease to pay him deference, or at least obedience, for it was through him that she could alone possess that power over them which she fully intended to gain. She therefore caused him to be seated at her father's right hand, and to be supplied with food and drink of which she directed him to partake. Famcram obeyed at once, meekly and without complaint, and ate what was given to him with a grateful glance at Ophelia, such as a dog might have given to a master who had thrown him a bone.

She, meanwhile, seating herself on the other side of her father, listlessly asked for some boiled chicken, and, whilst she trifled with her knife and fork, began to converse upon indifferent subjects, making no allusion whatever to the incidents of the day. This behaviour caused the Chief Justice the greatest astonishment, and at another time he would have demanded explanations of his daughter without delay.

But his joy at the unexpected turn which things had taken, and at his own safety, at least for the time, from the peril with which he had been so recently threatened, caused him to take less notice of the matter than he would otherwise have done.

To speak the truth, moreover, his joy had been somewhat increased and his spirits in no small degree elated by an unusual quantity of dry champagne which he had imbibed in the excitement of the moment, so that things appeared natural and reasonable to him which would generally have seemed most extraordinary.

Ophelia meantime was playing her game well. She judged – and judged rightly – that the conduct of the king in throwing himself at her feet, in allowing her to sit upon him as if he were a chair or stool, and in afterwards meekly following her to the head of the table, would be attributed to nothing else than devoted love by a great many of those who were present, and especially by such as had not been near enough to witness his first outburst of anger, or to hear his first words, which had certainly not been those of affection.

This idea would be speedily followed by another, when the guests saw her seated on one side of the Chief Justice and King Famcram on the other.

What could it mean save that she was about to be raised to the highest dignity in the kingdom, and to share the throne and power of Famcram as his queen?

This was in fact the resolution which she had formed, and determined to omit no precaution which might ensure its success. So she sat and ate at the banquet, already looking and feeling like a queen, and her device fully succeeded in making the people believe that things were as she desired.

But all this would be insufficient without some public avowal on the part of the king, and she resolved that this should be given.

Presently, therefore, she leant forward across her father, and, steadily looking Famcram in the face, thus addressed him: —

"King, your wish – the anxious wish of your heart – shall be gratified. I consent to become your queen, and you may at once announce the happy tidings to this august assembly."

As she said these words, the luckless Famcram turned quite red in the face, and there was visibly another struggle within his breast between contending passions. This struggle lasted longer than the first, and not only did he make no sign of acquiescence to the lady's proposal, but there were those who afterwards declared that they heard – deep and low like the sound of fire struggling to burst loose from walls within which it is enclosed – a sepulchral voice within the king which muttered the words – "I don't want any queen."

But, whether such words were spoken or not, Ophelia was equal to the occasion.

"Jam, dear, did you say?" she asked in her most winning tones, and in another second the salt-spoon was out, and a portion of the contents of the little jar transferred without delay to the king's mouth, whilst in a low, determined voice, the maiden continued, speaking in tones which could scarcely be heard by anyone save the king himself and the Chief Justice.

"Speak out, slave, at once, and acknowledge me as your only queen."

Mechanically, as if moved by springs, uprose King Famcram. There was a dead silence for a moment; then there burst forth a loud cheer, for the guests naturally supposed that the king was about to speak, and knew that it was proper to cheer before he said anything, in order to show that they were ready to do so afterwards.

Then again there was a silence, and Famcram spoke these words:

"Ophelia Pigspud is my queen, and only she."

And down he sat again so suddenly that everybody thought it was by accident, and there must be something more coming.

As, however, there was not, it was evidently the duty of all present to cheer again, and this they did most lustily, again and again, though a great many of them had not heard what the king had said, a great many more thought there was something in the proceeding which they could not understand, and still a great many more did not care sixpence, one way or other, about the announcement.