Uncle Joe's Stories

Famcram grinned with malicious spite as he saw her in the hands of his rough attendants.

"Ah!" said he, "this is real jam, now!" and from these casual words of the king sprang an expression which has now become proverbial in that country, indicating some special pleasure or remarkably gratifying incident.

Ophelia was not alone in her misfortune. Her five ladies-in-waiting were all seized at the same time, their fine clothing taken from them, and themselves conveyed back again to the same dungeons which they had previously occupied, and which the wretched Ophelia now shared with them.

Their behaviour to the fallen queen was, I am sorry to say, neither ladylike nor generous. Forgetful of the fact that it was to her they had owed their liberty, and that she had shown them all possible kindness during her brief period of prosperity, they only remembered that it was through her discomfiture that they were themselves suffering at the moment They overwhelmed her with reproaches, in which Paraphernalia, herself the real cause of their joint misfortune, was especially forward, and not content with this, the three daughters of Chinks set upon her, cuffed her, scratched her, slapped her, pulled her hair, and vowed that they would do much worse before they had done with her.

Paraphernalia went so far as to suggest cutting off all her hair, and spoiling her beauty by burning or otherwise marking her face; but the others had hardly come to such a state of wickedness and malice as this, although they joined in making the poor girl more miserable than she would otherwise have been, and showed a want of consideration and good feeling which was much to be blamed.

The discomfort and misery of all the ladies were, as may be supposed, considerable; nor was their condition at all improved by the news that Famcram had resolved that the parents of the three families, Binks, Chinks, and Pigspud, should be executed in the public market place within three days. This news, conveyed to them by some of those officious persons who always like to bring unpleasant tidings, if only that they may watch their effects upon the people they are likely to make unhappy, plunged all six ladies into the deepest sorrow.

Nor was the next piece of news at all calculated to lighten the burden of affliction which weighed them down. Famcram sent a special messenger to inform the captives that they should all suffer the extreme penalty of the law also. At first he had declared that they should be publicly whipped in the square opposite the palace, and afterwards be beheaded, but upon an earnest representation being made to him by a deputation from the anti-flogging society, who were numerous in the city, he consented to forego that part of the punishment, and to have them sewn up in sacks and thrown into the river, which was a form of punishment much in vogue in that part of the world.

Resolved, however, to make them suffer as much as possible, he directed that their execution should take place upon the day preceding that of their fathers, and that the latter should be obliged to tie the mouths of the sacks, and roll their own children into the water.

The girls heard this doom with horror, but there was no way of averting it. On the morning of the day on which the sentence was to be carried into effect, the daughters of Chinks became more furious than ever against Ophelia, and declared that she ought to be scratched to death in the dungeon, and not share the fate of honourable damsels like themselves. But a better spirit had come over Euphemia and Araminta, the daughters of the late Prime Minister.

They had felt some compunction at the treatment of Ophelia by their friends and prison companions, and had not joined in the personal attack which had been led by Paraphernalia. And when they remembered how Ophelia had behaved as queen, and saw how meekly she bore the cruel insults now heaped upon her by the others, they spoke out boldly, and interfered to prevent further violence.

So the hours passed by until the afternoon arrived, and all six ladies, having a thick coarse white sheet cast round each of them, as if about to stand and do penance, were led forth from the palace dungeons and taken to the appointed place of execution.

Everything had been arranged under the direct orders of the tyrant himself. Marshalled two and two between their guards, the poor girls found that they had to pass through a crowd of gaping and staring people, and to walk over the mud and stones upon their bare feet.

Their beauty attracted general notice, but Ophelia's form and bearing made by far the greatest impression upon the bystanders.

Side by side she walked by Euphemia Binks, but the latter's beauty was entirely eclipsed by that of the late queen. The daughter of Pigspud walked with a royal air – upright, majestic in figure, with a look of resignation and yet contempt of fate – she excited an universal feeling of pity and admiration.

Low murmurs were heard among the crowd, and whispers which, had they come to Famcram's ears, would certainly have caused the whisperers trouble. The tyrant, however, was so much feared, and the loyalty of Pigmies is ever so devoted, even when their sovereign is one whom no one can love or respect, that no sign of an outbreak was shown.

Slowly the mournful procession marched upon its way, until it reached the road leading directly to the river.

At this moment the great cathedral bell began to toll, filling the hearts of those who heard it with a certain awful feeling impossible to be described in words, which was increased in intensity when men in black garments, with masks over their faces, appeared, carrying the sacks which were to be employed in the execution of the unhappy maidens.

With a refinement of cruelty, the brutal tyrant had directed that the procession should turn aside and pass through the hall of the Chief Justice's house, so that Ophelia in her disgrace and misery, should be made to look upon the place in which her recent but shortlived triumph had occurred. So they marched into the house and through the great banqueting-room, and out into the gardens, and as they slowly descended to the river, again the solemn deep death-warning clang of the cathedral bell sounded in their ears, and the girls knew that now indeed their end was very near.

Close to the spot which he had fixed for the execution, in a magnificent arm-chair upon a kind of temporary dais erected for the occasion, sat Famcram himself, uglier than ever, with his crown upon his head, and the famous sceptre in his hand. As the procession drew near he arose from his chair, around which stood his principal courtiers, whilst at a little distance might be observed the wretched Binks, Chinks, and Pigspud, each guarded by two armed attendants.

When the ladies had approached quite close to the king, he grinned upon them with more than his usual malice, and began to sneer at and abuse them.

"Is this our queen?" he asked in a jeering tone. "The queen that was to share our throne, and it was to be 'us' who would govern, was it not? Poor wretch! the bed of the river will soon be your royal couch, and you shall share it with the eels – if" (and here he grinned horribly) "they can make their way through the sack which will hold your lovely form. You to be queen, you nasty, staring, goggle-eyed vixen! And here come our Prime Minister's and Lord Chamberlain's children! Pretty ducklings, you shall be sown up nice and tight, and your own fathers shall give you to the pike and the rats. Nice tender morsels for these ye will be!"

To these taunts the poor girls made no reply, and the tyrant continued to insult them, having ordered the procession to stand still for the purpose. And still the great bell tolled on.

They had stopped very near to the river, and now, at a signal from the king, the men clothed in black came forward with the sacks, the white sheets were taken from the fair shoulders of the victims, and each was thrust into her sack in the dishevelled garments she wore, and left there for a few moments until the unhappy fathers should perform the duties assigned to them.

Up to this time Ophelia had kept silence. She despised the wretched Famcram too much to condescend to answer his taunts. If death was to be met, she would meet it like a true daughter of Pigspud, and her ancient lineage should never be disgraced by her behaviour.

But, at this extreme moment, a ray of hope darted suddenly into her heart. Where was she? Upon the very spot where she had received the mystic jar which had worked for her such wonders. The place was the same – the hour, though not so late, was possibly not unpropitious, for the sun was beginning to sink behind the higher buildings of the city. Was it impossible that the same power which had helped her before might again befriend her? The effort was at least worth making, and failure could make matters no worse.

So, even in the sack, before it was closed over her head, with enemies seemingly all around, and death staring her in the face, Ophelia lifted up her head and looking towards the river, slowly pronounced these words.

"Marley-quarley-pachel-farley —
Mansto macken furlesparley, —
Mondo pondo sicho pinto,
Framsigalen hannotinto!"

Everybody was surprised at the words and behaviour of the unfortunate lady.

But what followed surprised them infinitely more. A curious whining, murmuring, incomprehensible sound came along the banks of the river, filling the hearts of those who heard it with a strange sense of fear, and a feeling that something wonderful was about to happen.

The river, too, instead of flowing on in its usual quiet and majestic manner, seemed perturbed in an extraordinary manner, and became as rough as the open ocean in a storm.

By common consent everyone who was present stood as if struck by one feeling of awe, which palsied and unfitted them for action. The men who were supporting the sacks in which the unhappy maidens stood, shivering with fear, remained rooted to their places, and mingled fear and wonder sat upon the faces of the people.

Then slowly arose from the rushes by the waterside the same grotesque figure which had once before held converse with Ophelia. The red cloak, the umbrella, the poke bonnet, the keen eye, were all there, and the old woman stood upon the bank within a very short distance of the sacks.

She looked round upon the people as if rather surprised at seeing them there, but appeared after a short time to have eyes only for Ophelia, upon whom she fixed her gaze attentively, and striking her umbrella upon the ground accosted her in the following words:

"What is it, Ophelia! and what do you fear
That you've called your affectionate godmother here?
Have matters gone wrong since you wanted me last?
I fear that they have, as my eyes round I cast —
You haven't got on the same dress that you wore
When you came down to see the old lady before —
And unless my old eyesight its certainty lacks
You seem hampered and bound in the coarsest of sacks,
And some other girls, too! in what sad plight you are;
My darling; has aught gone amiss with the jar?"

In a mournful voice Ophelia replied at once: —

"Dear godmother! my woes are great,
And miserable is my fate:
The jar is broken! and I am
Both 'out of luck' and 'out of' jam!
This cruel tyrant, whom I wed
(I would I'd been at Bath instead!)
His senses managed to recover,
And, now no more obedient lover,
Used language really quite past bearing
(He always was too prone to swearing),
Swore I no more his wealth should sponge on,
And clapt me in a dirty dungeon.
And then, his wrath no way abating,
My ladies – five of them – in waiting
He also sent there – scarce politely —
And tho' they've not behaved quite rightly,
They scarcely have in crime abounded
So much – as to be sacked – and drownded!