The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Kangarooes are verry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz the plase for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika had been planted with Kangaroos, and none ov it with other peeple, it would hav been full as good a crop to know what to do with.

Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump ennything in the wilderness. In the face they resemble the deer, but in the length ov their tails they resemble a whole herd ov deer.

A kangaroo’s tail iz a living kuriosity; in its general habits it looks and akts like a rat’s tail, but in size you must multiply it by six thousand and upwards.

What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz bothered the philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, at one ov their scientifick meetings they hav giv it up.

The philosophers git beat oftener than ennybody i kno ov, but they seldom giv a thing up; but the kangaroo’s tail waz too mutch for them.

But a kangaroo’s tail don’t bother me enny more than a kite’s tail duz; a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt just as a bob-tailed kite duz in the air. Whenever i cum acrost ennything in natur that i kant explain, then i kno at once that it iz all right for natur never made enny blunders in the animals; if she has failed ennywhare, it iz in man.

Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but man luvs to open the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This ackounts for hiz running oph from the track so often and gitting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew bust up.

THE CODFISH

The codfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for their being so salt.

They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel trap, and hang on like a poor relation.

They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry.

Dried codfish iz one ov the luxurys of life, but codfish three times a day would weaken mi confidence in them.

Codfish never venture in fresh water; they would soon spile if they did.

I never hav been codfishing miself, but think I should like it better than fishing for frogs.

I think i could ketch frogs well enuff, but i should insist upon their taking themselfs off from the hook.

I had rather take a boss bumble bee in mi hand than a live frog, not bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i am afraid ov their kicking.

Sum people ain’t afraid to take ennything with their hands, that they can reach, not even an eel, but if I should ever git caught by an eel, if i couldn’t settle with him, right off, by giving him the hook and line, i would throw the pole into the bargin and put for home.

The codfish iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof from the other fish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a relation of the whales, but this looks to me rather fishy.

I hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stiff upper lip, but I think this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him than it iz tew his blood.

THE MACKREL

The mackrel iz a game fish. They ought tew be well edukated, for they are always in schools.

They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov old red flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook.

They ain’t the only kind ov fish that are caught by the same kind of bait.

Mackrel inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the grocerys alwus taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted on salt.

They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want a good deal ov freshning afterward.

If I can hav plenty of mackrel for brekfasst i can generally make the other two meals out ov cold water.

Mackrel are considered by menny folks the best fish that swims, and are called “the salt of the earth.”

THE POLLYWOGG

The pollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out ov thick water, and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging.

After he haz got through pollywogging he makes up hiz mind that this world want made for pollywogs and “nothing venture nothing have,” and then he turns hiz attenshun tew bigger things.

He looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdum, and studdying the various animals ov creashun, he cums tew the konklusion that the best thing he kan do iz tew bekum a frog.

This iz the way that frogs fust cum tew be made, and pollywoggs tew be lost.

The pollywogg now leaves the water and spends a part ov hiz summers upon land.

He haz tew fite hiz way through life, and generally goes on the jump.

Being better at diving than he iz at dodgeing, he often runs hiz hed aginst sticks and stuns that the boys throw at him, but hiz two mortal enemys are the frenchman and the striped snaik.

The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the snaik swallows him whole.

I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the snake, the snake after the frog, and the frog after dear life.

If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, for a snake kant travel a tree.

I don’t kno az the pollywogg gains ennything by swopping himself oph for a frog, unless it iz experience, but i never hav bin able to diskover much ov enny happiness in experience.

If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav happiness to sell, for I am one ov them happy phellows who never found ennything (not even the bite ov a lobster) only through the kindness of experience.

THE BULL HEAD

This remarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and mud puddles, cluss to the ground, and lives upon young lizzards and dirt.

They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out ennything that they kan swallo.

They have two ugly black thorns sticking out on the sides ov their hed, and are az dangerous tew handle az a six-bladed penknife, with the blades all open to onst.

They are like a kat, yu hav got to skin them before they are fit to eat, and after they are thoroughly cooked, if yu set them away in the cupboard until they git cold, they will begin life anew, and bekum az raw az a live mule.

They will liv, after they are ded az long az striped snaik kan.

I don’t advise enny man to fish for bull heads, but if yu feel az tho yu must, this iz the only best way to do it.

Take a dark, hot, drizzly night in the month ov june; steal out quietly from home; tell yure folks yu are going tew the nabors to borry a setting of hen’s eggs; find a saw log on the banks ov a stagnant mill-pond, one end of which lays in the water; drive the mudturkles and water snaiks oph from the log; straddle the log, and let yure leggs hang down in the water up tew yure garters; bait yure hook with a chunk ov old injun rubber shoe; az fasst az yu pull up the bull heads, take them by the back ov the neck and stab their horns onto the saw log; when yu hav got the saw log stuck full, shoulder the saw log, and leave for home; git up the next morning early, skin the bull heds, and split up the saw log into kindling wood, let yure wife cook them for brekfast, and sware the whole family to keep dark about it.

This iz the only respektabel way to hav enneything to do with bull heads.

MUDTURKLES