The Complete Works of Josh Billings

But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and then laffs at us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right.

I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle ov diet or not, i never hav seen their names registered on enny bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz so mutch meat fixings with french, and dutch names on the bills, that they may be thar.

I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch.

A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid common vittles in english.

THE POSSUM

The possum iz a fello ov the Southern and Western States. He owns a sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a phat boddy, and a poor tail.

He enjoys roots, chickens, grass, eggs, green korn, and little mice, and eats what he steals, and steals what he eats.

Hiz boddy is kivvered with a hairy kind ov phur, ov a dirty white complexion; hiz feet and fingers resemble the rackoon, hiz ears are a trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail iz az round az an eel, and az free from capilliaryness as the snaiks stummuk.

The possum’s tail bothers me. I hav looked at it bi the hour; i hav studdyed it, and tried tew parse it; i hav figgered on it az cluss az i would a proposishun in Euklid; i hav hung over it az fondly az a kemist; i hav fretted and wondered, hav got mad, wept and swore, and kant tell to this day whi a possum should hav a hairless caudel.

If some philosophik mind, out ov a present job, will explain this tale to me, and sho me the mercy ov it, i will explain to him, free from cost, the pucker ov the persimmon, or the vital importance thare iz in being bolegged, two misterys which are only known to the Billings family.

The possum iz a lonesum and joyless vagabond, living just near enuff to the smoke ov a chimbly tew pick up a transient goslin or a ten dollar bill, or ennything else that aint stuck fast.

Thare iz only one man in this visionary world who seems tew hav an affinity, ov a moral natur, for the possum, and that iz a darkey. They are the nigger’s poultry and roast lamb.

The possum, in poor condishun, is az phull ov phatt as a tallo kandle in the month ov august, but having et possum miself, and biled awl from necessity, i am full ov the opinyun that between the two mi choice would be never agin to take either.

Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and sumtimes an extra one, and they suckle their yung on an entire different principal from the goose.

Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in market from nine to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is amputated. A possum’s tail iz not only worthless, but iz a damage to any enterprizing man.

Theze skins are colored and made into mink muffs, and sold for twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early edukashun has bin neglekted.

Thare iz only one thing about a possum’s skin different from a hoss hide, they don’t shed their hair, evry hair is drove in and clinched on tuther side.

Possum’s hav butiful white natral teeth, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs.

But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, they hav got two things that they own and no other animul, feathered, or hairy, possesses them so mutch.

I mean tuffness and cunning.

If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hollo ov the tree, tew eskape a wandering dog or a stray nigger, he lays himself down level on the opposite side ov hiz belly, and dies az ded az a two dollar watch.

The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pass on, the nigger will rool him over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that “dis possum hab been eating pizen;” take him by the tail and send him buzzing into a brush heep.

Many a possum haz saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thus loozeing it.

I hav often killed them with a klub, sufficiently dead enuff tew bury, and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav seen them born agin, and sneak oph into the underbrush.

If thare iz enny boddy who don’t beleave this i don’t care, i only write what i know, and don’t hold miself liable for other folks’ ignorance.

Possum grease and hoe kake, in equal parts, will phatt a nigger in 60 days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pattent leather.

If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for him fully, but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me.

I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on this subjeckt.

Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az well own it, forever, for i have spent a great quantity ov mi life surrounded by possums and other historick vermin, and never heard only ov acksident death in the possum family.

The muskrat and the possum hav similar tales, but the muskrat steers himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum never bathes in ennything but chicken blood.

The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make sum men az phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster’s spellin book, while thare iz others that natur nor ennyboddy else haint bin able tew edukate yet.

THE CURSID MUSKETO

Dear – : – Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite bi mail, and i hurry tew repli.

The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen point, in the dominion ov Nu Jersey.

They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market for them iz verry unstiddy – the grate supply injures the demand.

Two hundred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a paying krop, altho they often beat that.

They don’t require enny nussing, and the poorer the land the bigger the yield.

If it want for musketers i dont kno what sum people would do thare tew git a living, for thare iz a grate deal ov kultivated land thare that wont raize ennything else at a proffit.

The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don’t waste enny time; they are alwuss az reddy for bizzness az pepper sass iz, and kan bight 10 minnitts after they are born just az fluently az ever.

Thare iz people in this world so kontrary at heart, and so ignorant, that they wont see enny wisdum in having musketers around; i alwus pitty sutch pholks – their edukashun haz been sorely neglekted and aint level.

Wisdum iz like duks eggs – if yu git them, yu hav got tew sarch for them – thare aint no duks in theze benighted days that will cum and la eggs in yure hand – not a duk, Mr. – , not a duk.

The musketo is a soshul insex; they liv verry thick amungst each other, and luv the sosiety ov man also, but don’t kontrakt enny ov hiz vices.

Yu never see a musketer that was a defaulter; they never fail to cum to time, altho thousands looze their lives in the effort.

The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can’t sing won’t bight; this information may be ov grate use to science, but aint worth mutch to a phellow in a hot nite whare muskeeters are plenty.

If thare ain’t but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight good, that iz enuff to sustain their reputashun.

The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz right smart, but the only plan they kan offer us tew get rid ov our sorrows iz to grin and bear them.

They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argument. I say bully for the muskeeter!

The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt – he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a lonesum marsh, 1600 miles from the nearest nabor, without ever tasting blood, and be happy all the time; or he kan git into sumboddy’s bed-room thru the key-hole, and take hiz rashuns reglar, and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun.

It don’t kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp fog.

The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a fine busst, a sharp tooth and and a reddy wit.