The Complete Works of Josh Billings

They hav a plaintiff song, and sing az tho they waz sorry for sum thing.

They are natiffs ov the northern states, but go south to winter.

They git their name from their grate ability for robbing a cherry tree.

They kan also robin a currant bush fust rate, and are smart on a goose berry.

If a robin kant find enny thing else tew eat, they aint tew fastidious tew eat a ripe strawberry.

They build their nest out ov mud, and straw, and lay 4 eggs, that are speckled.

Four yung robbings, in a nest, that are just hatched out, and still on the half-shell, are alwus az reddy for dinner, az a nuzeboy iz.

If enny boddy goes near their nest, their mouths all fly open at once, so that yu kan see clear down tew their palates.

If it want for the birds, I suppose, ov course, we should all be et up by the catterpillars, and snakes, but i hav thought, it wouldn’t be enny thing more than common politeness, for the robbings, tew let us hav, now, and then, just one ov our own cherriz, tew see how they did taste.

THE SWALLO

The swallo iz a lively bird.

Swallows make their appearance late in the spring, and alwus in a twitter about sumthing.

They hav az mutch twitter, as a boarding skool miss.

They kan fli az swift az an arrow, and a great deal crookider.

I have seen them skim a mill pond, cluss enuff tew take the cream off from it, and even make the frogs dodge, and not touch the water.

When the swallo cums, spring haz cum sure, but thare iz an old proverb, (one ov Solomans, i presume,) which sez, “one swallo dont make a spring.”

This may be so, but i have seen a spring (ov water), that would make a grate menny swallows.

Swallows never hav the dispepshy, they liv upon nothing, and take a grate deal ov exercise in the open air.

They dont set up nites busting, and never cheat a taylor out ov hiz bill.

They dont waste enny time in the morning making their toilett, but like the flowers, shake oph the dew from their heds, and are reddy for bizzness.

I kant think ov enny thing God has made, more harmless than a swallo, they are as innosent az a daizy, and az pure as the air they swim in, they wont live, shut up in a cage, mutch longer, than a trout will.

THE BAT

The bat is a winged mouse.

They live very retired during the day, but at nite cum out for a frolik.

They fli very mutch unsartin, and ackt az tho they had taken a little too mutch gin.

They look out ov their face like a young owl, and will bite like a snappin turkle.

What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they kan tell neither.

They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, but a kind of live hash, made out ov all three.

If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the earth would refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while, just for fun.

But when we cum to think, that thare aint on the face ov the earth, even one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, sintz the daze ov adam, a single surpluss muskeeters egg, laid by acksident, we kan form sum kind ov an idea, how little we know, and what a poor job we should make ov it, running the machinery of kreashun.

Man iz a phool enny how, and the best ov the joke iz, he don’t seem tew kno it.

Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill it better than we do ours.

Bats liv on flies, and hawks liv on bats, but who livs on the hawks, i kant tell.

Biled hawk may be good, i never herd enny boddy say it wasn’t, but i dont hope i shall ever be called upon tew decide it.

Tew save life, i would eat biled hawk, but if it tastes az i think it duz, i wouldn’t ask for a seckond plate ov it.

THE HAWK

The hawk iz a karniverous foul, and a chickiniverous one too, every good chance he kan git.

I hav seen them shut up their wings, and drop doun out ov the skey, like a destroying angel, and pick up a yung goslin in each hand, and sore aloft agin pretty quick.

They bild their nests out ov the reach ov civilizashun, so that no mishionary kan git to them, unless he kan klimb well.

Powder and double B shot, iz the only thing that will civilize a hawk clear through, so that he will stay so, and it takes a big charge ov this too.

I have fired a double-barrelled gun into them, loaded with fine shot, and it had the same exilirating effekt on them, that 4 quarts ov oats would hav, on an old hoss, it made them more lively for a fu minnits.

I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over them.

I dont surpose that even hen hawks are made in vain, but i hav wondered, if just enuff ov them, tew preserve an assortment, wouldn’t answer.

THE MEDDO MOLE

The meddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i dont kno which.

They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for a living.

They kan bore a hole in the ground fazter than a 2 inch augur kan, and kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one night, and never cum once tew the surface.

They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan see more without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika.

How a meddo mole kan see with their ears iz one ov naturs misterys, and natur luvs misterys, it iz the misterys ov natur that makes mankind respektful.

If natur showed all the kards she held in her hand most enny boddy would think they could beat her.