The Second Life of Nathan Jones: A laugh out loud, OMG! romcom that you won’t be able to put down!

The postman noisily shoving something through the letterbox pulled him from his thoughts, and he padded down the hall to retrieve the mail.

There were four items; the first two were a bank statement, which wouldn’t make good reading – he left that to one side – and a small catalogue for children’s books, which had Laura’s name on it. He placed that on top of the bank statement. The last two envelopes intrigued him. They were of the white windowed variety and, although both were addressed to Laura, he could see underneath the window on one of them and noticed his name and a policy number. On the back, the name and address of the sender: The Corporate Mutual Insurance Company.

Nathan opened it and read the script:

Dear Mrs Jones

Mr Nathan Jones – Policy Number CM2345GY98

We were sorry to hear about the recent death of your husband. As discussed with you in our telephone conversation on 23 November please find enclosed the requested information. We apologise for the delay in forwarding this to you but due to an issue with our systems we had not realised this request had not yet been actioned. We apologise for any distress or inconvenience this may have caused you.

Enclosed is the relevant claim form for completion to enable us to consider the claim under this policy.

Please note, in order to be able to pay the proceeds, under policy number CM2345GY98 we will need sight of the original death certificate and for this reason we recommend you return the completed form together with the death certificate by recorded delivery to ensure no delay is caused by lost documentation.

Our thoughts are with you at this difficult time, and if you need to speak to us directly, please call our confidential customer helpline on 0804 345 6788. The phone line is staffed between the hours of 8.30 a.m. until 5.30 p.m., Monday to Friday.

We trust that you will find this to be in order.

Yours sincerely

Mr K Stanton

Senior Claims Executive

Encs.

Relevant Claim Form

Nathan sat down on the couch, stunned. The morning he had been found alive by the mortuary girl his wife had been on the phone to the insurance company chasing money. No wonder she’d been so ‘shocked’ to find him still living. He knew his wife could occasionally be, well, if he was honest always, ‘money orientated’, but his body had hardly been cold and the first thing she’d decided to do was cash in on his death. Nathan had two life insurance policies, the one referred to in the letter and another joint one with Laura that covered the mortgage. He’d no doubt that she’d been on the phone chasing that one as well. What a cold-hearted bitch.

He decided to open the other envelope, fully expecting it to be from the other insurance company, but this one turned out to be even more bizarre as it contained his death certificate. As he sat staring at it he suddenly shuddered, as if someone had just walked across his grave. He then comforted himself with the thought that not many people got to read their own death certificate.

*

He decided to wait until all the girls were asleep that evening before confronting his wife. She’d poured herself a large glass of Shiraz and slumped down onto the couch to watch TV. Nathan sat opposite in an armchair and watched her, wondering if she really could be as hard-hearted as her actions appeared to suggest.

It was clear Laura could feel his eyes on her. ‘What is it, Nathan? Why are you staring at me?’

‘I opened some letters today.’

Laura sipped her wine and smiled. ‘That’s nice; highlight of your day, was it?’

He nodded. ‘In a way, yeah. The first letter came from The Corporate Mutual Insurance Company.’

He watched the colour drain from her face. ‘Nathan, I can explain.’

‘Go on, then.’

‘Err, well, I had concerns that they’d cancel the policies before I could register a claim – you know what these insurance companies are like, they’ll try and weasel out of paying any way they can.’ Laura smiled, obviously happy with her quick thinking.

‘Why would they cancel the policies, Laura? They were up to date and as far as they were concerned I’d been killed legitimately, so why would there be any issues?’

‘Well …’ Laura paused and chewed on her bottom lip. ‘Yeah, but the premiums came out of your bank account and with you dead all your accounts would have been frozen. The bank wouldn’t have paid so I wanted to make sure I got the claim in before they could cancel due to non-payment of premiums.’

‘Is that why you were so fast to get my death certificate as well?’

Laura nodded. ‘Yeah, they said they needed that to process the claim.’

Nathan thought that over for a moment. He really wanted to believe her, but the problem was, he knew his wife inside out. ‘Doesn’t exactly tally up with your earlier claim to be really upset and grieving, though, does it?’

Laura sighed and put her glass down on the floor. ‘I don’t know what you want me to say, Nathan.’

Neither did he. Did he want his wife to beg for forgiveness, admit she was cold and unfeeling towards him and tell him that everything would change? If she did he wouldn’t believe her anyway; they were too far gone for that and he knew it. ‘We could go to counselling.’

Laura stared at him for a moment, blinked several times and dismissed the suggestion. ‘I don’t believe in that sort of thing.’

‘What do you mean, you don’t believe in it? You can maybe get away with not believing in fairies, UFOs and leprechauns, but marriage counselling is real, proven and helps loads of couples.’

‘I think our marriage is beyond fixing, Nathan, and has been for a long time.’

‘What you mean is, you don’t want to fix it.’

Laura picked up her glass, took a gulp of wine and shook her head. ‘I can’t be bothered, Nathan, and I think that’s worse. It just seems like too much effort. I wasn’t glad when you died but, I should tell you, I was relieved. I know that sounds cold-hearted and unfeeling but it’s the truth. It meant I wouldn’t have to deal with this, deal with you, deal with us. I wanted to wait a little longer until you were completely healed but … well, there you are … you forced it out of me.’

‘It didn’t take much.’

‘No, it didn’t and there’s the problem, isn’t it? I need to leave and move on. I need more from my life than you.’

‘What about the girls?’

‘It’ll be hard at first, but they’ll adapt. In the long run it’ll be better for them not to have to live with our arguing and … what would I call it … apathy?’

‘Indifference.’

‘Yeah, see, you get it, don’t you? Deep down you know I’m right. It’ll let you move on too, maybe find someone new.’

‘I don’t want anyone new. I want the Laura I married.’

Laura smiled sadly at her husband. ‘That Laura died a long time ago. You killed her slowly over time, strangled the life out of her.’

‘That’s horrible.’

Laura shrugged. ‘It’s the truth.’

‘It’s your truth.’

*