Pride and Prejudice, a play founded on Jane Austen's novel

[Sharply.] I desire you will do no such thing! Lizzy is not a bit better than the others. She is not half as handsome as Jane, nor as good-humoured as Lydia. But you are always giving her the preference.

Mr. Bennet

Not unless she deserves it, my dear. But in this particular instance my poor little Lizzy is the only one who is unprovided for. Lydia and the others belong in the schoolroom, and you tell me that Mr. Collins has already spoken for Jane.

Mrs. Bennet

Oh, that odious Mr. Collins! I wish he had never come here. I wish I might never hear his name again!

Mr. Bennet

Mr. Collins odious! You surprise me! I thought that he had won your full approval.

Mrs. Bennet

[Fretfully.] Oh, well, since he had to be your cousin, and since you will not do anything about the entail, I suppose it will be a mercy if he does marry Jane. [Half crying.] But I do think, Mr. Bennet, it is the hardest thing in the world that we have no son of our own, so that your property has to be entailed away from your own wife and children, so if you should die, we may all be turned out of the house whenever this Mr. Collins pleases. [In bewailing tone.] He certainly does seem to have all the luck in the world. Here he has just got this good living from that grand Lady Catherine de Bourg.

Mr. Bennet

But, my dear, that will soon be your luck, as well. You forget that your daughter is to profit by it.

Mrs. Bennet

Well, perhaps. I don't know about that, but, [With renewed excitement.] I do know that it is too monstrous that after you are gone I shall be forced to make way for this man and live to see him master in this house!

Mr. Bennet

My dear, do not give way to such gloomy thoughts. Let us hope for better things. Let us flatter ourselves that I may be the survivor.

Mrs. Bennet

[This is not very consoling to Mrs. Bennet; and therefore, instead of making answer, she goes on as before.] If it was not for the entail I should not mind it.

Mr. Bennet

What should not you mind?

Mrs. Bennet

I should not mind anything at all.

Mr. Bennet

Let us be thankful that you are preserved from a state of such insensibility. But it certainly is a most iniquitous affair, and nothing can clear Mr. Collins from the guilt of inheriting Longbourn. However, you know he is doing his best to mend matters. He has not only handsomely apologised for his fault, but he has now assured us of his readiness to make every possible amends by marrying one of the girls. Surely, my dear, you must acknowledge that this plan is excessively generous on his part.

Mrs. Bennet

[Dolefully.] Well, I suppose it might be worse.

Mr. Bennet

[Cheerfully.] Decidedly worse. With Jane so well settled, and a single man like Mr. Bingley in prospect, I think you should be quite cheerful.

Mrs. Bennet

[Excited once more.] Mr. Bingley! We shall never know Mr. Bingley. Oh, Mr. Bennet, you take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion on my poor nerves.

Mr. Bennet

You mistake, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these twenty years at least.

Mrs. Bennet

Ah! You do not know what I suffer.

Lydia

[Bursting into the room, followed by Jane.] Oh, that horrid practice! [Looking back at Jane.] Jane does so keep me at it. [Throwing herself into a chair.] La, I'm tired to death.

Jane

[Who sees that her mother is half crying, goes and stands behind her chair, puts her hand affectionately on her shoulder, and bends over her.] Does your head ache, mamma?

Mrs. Bennet

Of course my head aches. Your father is so teasing. I cannot persuade him to call on Mr. Bingley at Netherfield, so I suppose we shall never know him.

Jane

[Smiling.] But you forget, mamma, that we shall meet him at the assemblies, and Lady Lucas has promised to introduce him.

Mrs. Bennet

I do not believe Lady Lucas will do any such thing. She has daughters of her own. She is a selfish, hypocritical woman, and I have no opinion of her.

Mr. Bennet

No more have I, and I am glad to find that you do not depend on her serving you.

Mrs. Bennet

I may have to depend on her after all, Mr. Bennet, since you will do nothing to help me. [Fretfully to Lydia, who has been yawning and coughing.] Don't keep coughing, Lydia, for Heaven's sake! Have a little compassion on my nerves.

[Lydia pouts and looks unutterable things.]

Mr. Bennet

Lydia has no discretion in her coughs. She times them ill.