Pride and Prejudice, a play founded on Jane Austen's novel

Lydia

I do not cough for my own amusement, papa. Jane, when is your next ball?

Jane

To-morrow fortnight.

Mrs. Bennet

[Starting excitedly.] Ay, so it is – and Lady Lucas does not come back till the day before. So you see it will be impossible for her to introduce Mr. Bingley, for she will not know him herself.

Mr. Bennet

Then, my dear, you may have the advantage of your friend, and you can introduce Mr. Bingley to her.

Mrs. Bennet

Impossible, Mr. Bennet, when I am not acquainted with him myself. How can you be so teasing?

Mr. Bennet

I honour your circumspection. A fortnight's acquaintance is certainly very little. But if we do not venture, somebody else will, and if you decline the office I will take it upon myself.

Mrs. Bennet

[As the two girls stare at their father.] Oh, nonsense – nonsense! I am sick of Mr. Bingley!

Mr. Bennet

I am sorry to hear that; but why did not you tell me so before? If I had known as much a week ago, I certainly should not have called upon him.

Mrs. Bennet

[Springing from her chair and throwing her arms about Mr. Bennet's neck.] What! You have really called upon him? Oh, how good in you, my dear Mr. Bennet!

Mr. Bennet

It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit – and as he will very likely return it at any time, and bring his friend, Mr. Darcy, with him – we cannot now avoid the acquaintance of Mr. Bingley and his party.

Mrs. Bennet

Oh, my dear Mr. Bennet, I was sure you loved your girls too well to neglect such an acquaintance. [Mr. Bennet deftly takes her hands from his shoulders. She stands looking fondly at him.] Well, how pleased I am! And it was such a good joke that you should have already paid Mr. Bingley a visit and never said a word about it.

Mr. Bennet

Yes. Yes. Well, I must go to the library. [He goes to the door, but stops for a moment.] Now, Lydia, you can cough as much as you choose. [He goes out.]

Mrs. Bennet

[Looking after Mr. Bennet.] What an excellent father you have, girls! [Turns to the girls.] I do not know how you will ever make him amends for his kindness, or me either, for that matter. At our time of life it is not so pleasant to be making new acquaintances every day. But for your sakes we would do anything. [Looking about her.] Where is Lizzy? Lydia, my love, where is your sister?

Lydia

Oh, she is out walking with Charlotte Lucas and that dismal Mr. Collins.

Mrs. Bennet

Lizzy – out walking with Mr. Collins? Why didn't you go, Jane?

Jane

I had to practise with Lydia.

Lydia

I'm sure I would have excused you. But what is Mr. Collins here for, mamma? I am sure I caught Mr. Wickham and Colonel Forster laughing at him the day we went to Meryton. Why does papa have a cousin like that?

Mrs. Bennet

He really cannot help it. It is the entail, my love – [Mysteriously.] But I hope that all you girls will be very civil to him, Jane especially.

Jane

I – mamma?

Mrs. Bennet

[Embarrassed.] Yes – my love. – You see —

[She is interrupted by the sound of laughter outside, and Elizabeth's voice.]

Elizabeth

Very well, Mr. Collins.

[Mrs. Bennet makes a sudden awed gesture of silence to the girls, who fail to understand. Elizabeth enters by the glass doors. She is dressed in winter walking costume: a large hat, – fur-trimmed pelerine, and a large muff. She stops in the doorway and looks at Mrs. Bennet, half puzzled and smiling.]

Elizabeth

Well, what is it, mamma? What is the matter?

Mrs. Bennet

Nothing. Hush! What have you done with Mr. Collins?

Elizabeth

[Laughing.] Oh, Mr. Collins is safe! He has gone round to the library.