Pride and Prejudice, a play founded on Jane Austen's novel

Oh, Mr. Wickham!

[Wickham turns and Lydia runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. Wickham laughs, then shakes his finger at her, still laughing, and goes off. Lydia stops outside and watches him.]

Jane

Really, mamma, I think you should speak to Lydia. She is too forward.

Mrs. Bennet

Nonsense! You are jealous.

Jane

Jealous! Of Lydia?

Mrs. Bennet

Well, she is no more forward than any of you. All you girls are crazy about Mr. Wickham. [Indulgently.] But I can't wonder at it. He certainly is a most engaging young man. What were those French words he said to me as he went out, Lizzy?

Elizabeth

They were Latin, dear. He paid a very charming compliment to our pretty mamma. He said – The daughters are lovely, but the mother is lovelier. You know papa always says that you are handsomer than any of us.

Mrs. Bennet

My dear Lizzy, I certainly have had my share of beauty, but I don't pretend to be anything extraordinary now. [Mr. Collins enters.] Oh, Mr. Collins, there you are.

Mr. Collins

[Bowing profoundly.] I do not find Mr. Bennet in the library, Madam. Do you know where he is?

Mrs. Bennet

Why, really, Mr. Collins, I can't imagine. Did you enjoy your walk?

Mr. Collins

Most assuredly, Madam. The beauties of nature, not only in the landscape, but also [Bowing to Elizabeth and Charlotte Lucas.] in the blooming countenances of my fair companions, made our expedition a peculiarly enjoyable one.

Mrs. Bennet

Well, I am very glad of it, I am sure. [To Jane and Lydia.] Girls, we haven't told Lizzy and Charlotte the news.

Elizabeth

What news, mamma?

Mrs. Bennet

[Looking at Charlotte with an ill-concealed triumph.] Oh, nothing of consequence, Lizzy, only your father has just told us that we may expect a visit at any time from our new neighbour, Mr. Bingley, and that friend of his who is stopping with him.

Elizabeth

Oh, Mr. Bingley! That will be entertaining. [Suddenly with mischief she turns to Mr. Collins, who all through this latter conversation has been staring at Jane with solemn persistence.] Do not you think so, Mr. Collins?

Mr. Collins

[Starting from his absorption.] Eh? What? [Pompously again.] Excuse me, Miss Elizabeth, on what subject did you ask my opinion?

Elizabeth

I asked you if you didn't think it was a very pleasant thing to meet new neighbours.

Mr. Collins

Most assuredly, Miss Elizabeth, if those neighbours are possessed of those qualifications which redound to their own credit, and to the edification of their friends. Otherwise, as a clergyman, I must hesitate in my approval. [To Mrs. Bennet.] You realise, I am sure, Madam, the caution which should ever be exercised where my amiable young cousins are concerned.

Elizabeth

Yes, mamma, you really should be cautious.

Mrs. Bennet

Nonsense! Why, my dear Mr. Collins, we have found out all about them. Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy are connected with some of the most respectable families in England.

Mr. Collins

[In amazement.] Mr. Darcy? Mr. Fitzgerald Darcy! My dear Madam, can it be possible that you are to be honoured by a visit from him? Respectable indeed! Why, he is the nephew of my noble patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourg. It is true that I have never yet had the honour of meeting him – but he frequently visits his aunt, and she has promised to bring him on some occasion to inspect my humble abode. I am surprised, indeed, by this civility on his part. [Anxiously.] I only fear there may be some mistake, for Mr. Darcy has the reputation of possessing a very natural pride of birth; but if your information is indeed to be relied upon, I think Lady Catherine would consent to my approval of this visit, provided my fair cousins will keep in mind the proper attitude of respectful humility which should be assumed toward a person of his superior station.

Elizabeth

We will promise you, Mr. Collins, never for one instant to forget either Mr. Darcy's exalted position or our own insignificance.

Mr. Collins

[Looking at her with admiration.] With that assurance, Miss Elizabeth, I think even Lady Catherine would be satisfied. So I need no longer withhold my sanction.

Elizabeth

[Curtsying.] We thank you, sir.

Mr. Collins

This is the very attitude of mind I could desire. [To Mrs. Bennet.] I think, with your permission, I will now retire again to the library. [Going over smilingly to Jane.] There was a volume of Fordyce's sermons that you may remember I was reading to you in this room yesterday. I do not find it in the library. Do you know where it is? [Looking about him.]

Jane

I haven't seen it, Mr. Collins. I will try to find it for you. [She starts as if to go out of the room.]