Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improve Your Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress

“Your day sounds as crazy as mine,” Joan says. “Would you like to have some wine? We can sit and talk. So much happened today.”

“Wine—er, no,” he says, distracted by a text message. “I think I’ll just grab a beer and watch the news for a bit.”

“I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation.” Joan pulls a bottle of beer from the refrigerator for Steve. “Does this mean you won’t be able to go to Kyle’s hockey tournament this weekend? He’ll be so disappointed. And I have to take Melanie to her dance lesson, and Jake to basketball practice and tutoring. I can’t be in three places at once.”

“I don’t want to think about it right now. It might not even be an issue. If we can’t get that date postponed, I’ll have all the time in the world this weekend, but I’ll be a basket case. We’ll work it out—don’t worry.”

“But I have commitments, too. When do you think you’ll know?”

“I don’t think we can do anything about it until the morning.”

“What would you like for dinner? The kids were so ravenous, they devoured the chicken.”

“Doesn’t matter—whatever you’d like.”

“Well, we could have pasta or—”

“Really, Joan,” Steve cuts her off. “Whatever you want. I don’t want to think about it.”

“Lovely—I’m glad you appreciate the meals I shop for and prepare—and I worked today. I’ll throw something together for us.” She opens a cupboard and surveys its contents. “When we’re done, Kyle needs some help with his algebra. His grades are starting to suffer, because he’s at practice all the time—”

“All I want to think about now is that soft couch and a droning anchor.”

“Dad, you’re home!” Little Jake runs into the kitchen with his new basketball. “Want to play catch?”

“Hi, buddy!” Steve greets his son wearily.

“Not now, Jake,” Joan says. “Your dad is exhausted. And you should be doing your homework!”

“You guys are never any fun!”

Joan and Steve look at each other and know their son is right. There seems to be no downtime in their lives to kick back and to enjoy the fruits of all their hard work. So many couples today, like Joan and Steve, experience increasing frustration and confusion as they cope with the stress of their day-to-day lives.

In this scenario, rather than considering each other’s unique needs to de-stress after a demanding day, Joan and Steve are locked into their own Mars/Venus coping mechanisms, which causes considerable friction between them.

Our Differences Are Intensified by Stress

Relationships are suffering because men and women deal with stress differently. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and our differences are intensified by stress. When we do not understand our different coping mechanisms, Mars and Venus collide.

Our greatest challenge today is that men and women cope with stress differently.

Since men and women do not respond to stress in the same way, the kinds of support we require to relieve stress differ. What helps men release stress can be the opposite of what helps women feel better. While he withdraws into his cave to forget the problems of his day, she wants to interact and discuss things. When she shares her frustrations, he offers solutions, but she is simply looking for some empathy. Without a clear understanding of their unique needs and reactions to stress, they will inevitably feel unsupported and unappreciated. By remembering that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we can overcome this tendency to collide and instead come together in mutually supportive ways. Rather than being another source of stress, our relationships can be a safe haven in which we can expect support, comfort, and ease. We need to understand our differences if we are to support each other in overcoming this challenge. This new understanding of how men and women react differently to stress will allow our relationships to thrive rather than just survive.

Recent scientific research, which is covered in the next two chapters, reveals that these different stress reactions are actually hardwired into our brains, and to a great extent are determined by the balance of our hormones. These reactions become more extreme under greater stress. In Why Mars and Venus Collide, we will use these scientific insights along with common sense to guide our way. Being aware of our innate biochemical differences frees us from the unhealthy compulsion to change our partners and eventually leads us to celebrate our differences. Instead of resenting each other, we can laugh at our differences. In practical terms, we cannot change the ways our bodies react to stress, but we can change the way we respond to our partner’s reactions to stress. Instead of resisting, resenting, or even rejecting our partners, we can learn new ways to provide the support our partners need as well as to get the support we need.

When hopelessness turns back to hope, the love in our hearts can flow again. We all intuitively know that love includes acceptance and forgiveness, but sometimes we just can’t find it. With these insights, you will discover a new level of acceptance and love that will transform your life. Instead of trying to change what cannot be changed, you will be able to focus on what is possible to change. In this process, you will discover that you have the power to bring out the best in your partner.

Rather than dwell on what you are not getting or what you don’t want, you will begin to focus on what you do want and what you can get.

This important shift will provide a new foundation for you to create a lifetime of love. The scenarios in this chapter demonstrate some of the many ways men and women commonly collide. See if you can relate to any of these common complaints or hot spots I hear when counseling both single or married women and men.

Do any of these complaints sound familiar? They are only the tip of the iceberg, but they represent a new trend in relationships. If we can see our differences in a new light, we will not only enrich communication in our relationships but also make our relationships a solid base to support all the other areas of our lives. Equipped with new insight, we can actually come closer together while coping with stress instead of being torn apart.

Why We Are Stressed

A dramatic new source of stress in our lives during the past fifty years has been the shift in the roles of men and women. A man used to go to work to provide for his family. The sense of pride and accomplishment he felt, along with the love and support he received when he returned home, helped him to cope with the many stresses of his day.

Women used to spend most of their days creating a beautiful home and family life, while nurturing friends and contributing to the community. Though being a homemaker was demanding, having time to focus on what she had to do enabled a woman to pace her life to minimize stress. There was men’s work and women’s work. Any additional demands on her partner beyond being a good provider were few, and usually involved heavy lifting.

With today’s rising costs, this lifestyle is no longer a choice for all women. More often than not, a woman is expected to contribute financially to provide for a family. At the same time, the women’s movement has awakened women and inspired many to find a fulfilling career in order to develop all their talents. When a woman returns home from work feeling responsible for creating a beautiful home and nurturing her family, she has to do this around the demands of her job. This is a new stress, and it requires a new kind of support. No wonder women feel so overwhelmed as they balance the demands of work and home.

Having a job or career is often no longer a choice for most women, but a necessity.

Men need more support as well. Instead of coming home to rest and recover from a stressful day, a man faces a wife and family who need more from him. His wife expects more help from him to run the household and to participate in their children’s busy schedules. No longer enjoying the sense of accomplishment that comes from being a provider, he returns home to his next job. He attempts to provide some measure of support, but he has not had the time he needs to recover from his daily stress. Eventually he, too, becomes tired and irritable. After tending to the many duties of domestic life, there is little time or inclination for couples to concentrate on their relationship. This new male-female dilemma has created an undercurrent of stress that affects all areas of our lives.

Even when a woman chooses to stay at home, she is often too isolated to get the support she needs. More than half of all married women work, and the pool of available friends and organized activities for the nonworking woman has shrunk. In addition, work demands on a man who is the sole supporter of the family are extreme, because raising a family on a single salary has become increasingly difficult. He has neither the time nor energy for his marriage or relationship to be his top priority, to cater to the needs of a partner who seems to be demanding too much of him.

Today, at home we are dealing with the side effects of women becoming more like men in the workplace. Success in the work-place often requires an enormous sacrifice for most women. Without enough time during the day to nurture their feminine side, women commonly become tired, drained, and resentful. At home, natural feelings of comfort, ease, appreciation, and grace are often overshadowed by anxiety, urgency, and exhaustion.

Without new skills for coping with this stress and nurturing their emotional needs, women inevitably expect too much from their male counterparts. This puts an even greater stress on their personal relationships. Habitually and instinctively acting out outdated roles that were created in a far distant past for a different world, both men and women today relate in ways that increase stress rather than lessen it.

Women Want Men to Become Like Women

What we have learned from the workplace is that women can do any job that a man can do. Just because a woman is different and may resolve problems in a unique manner, that does not mean she cannot be just as competent as a man. There is no need for a woman to change who she is to get respect in the workplace or at home.

Being equals does not mean that we have to be the same. To give equal respect, we must recognize that we are different and support those differences. Respect is honoring who a person is and being open to appreciate what he or she has to offer.

Being equals does not mean men and women are the same or should be the same.

Just as women should not have to change themselves to be respected and appreciated in the workplace, men should not have to change who they are at home. Given their hours working outside the home or the increased demand on them as mothers and homemakers, women undeniably need more help at home, but that need should not require men to change their nature.

In our collective fantasy of an ideal relationship, men still want to return home to a happy partner, who has prepared dinner in their magazine-perfect home and who is responsive to his every sexual desire. Though most women today lack the time, energy, and inclination to live this fantasy, they have their own unrealistic expectations. When women today return home from work, they often wish a loving and supportive wife was there waiting for them.

Women today are so tired and stressed, they too want a happy wife to greet them at home.

This trend in relationships is creating a new area of conflict. In various ways and to different degrees, women want men to become like women. They want men to share equal responsibility at home and in the relationship. It is no longer enough for a man to be a good provider. If she works outside the home, then to be fair, he should contribute to work inside the home and be more supportive in the relationship. If she is doing traditional “men’s work,” then he should do traditional “women’s work.”

This sounds good, but there is another point of view. Just as women want men to change, men want women not to change. Most men, to some degree, want their partners to be the domestic divas their mothers were. A man wants to come home and be supported by his loving wife. Since he is doing what his father did, his wife should do what his mother did. Oblivious to how much it takes to organize a smooth-running household, he expects the impossible from her.

Unrealistic expectations make changing gender roles nearly impossible.

As men cling to old expectations, women are creating new expectations that are equally unrealistic. To various degrees, women want a sympathetic partner, eager to talk about the stresses of the day, who will share all the domestic responsibilities and duties. She also wants her partner to be attentive and romantic, planning dates for her pleasure after solving the many unscheduled problems and emergencies that inevitably arise in family life. In short, she wants a wife to share with her all the domestic routines, and then she wants a husband who has the energy and motivation to romance her after doing all the things men usually do, like fixing things and handling emergencies. As men cling to old expectations, women are creating new expectations. These expectations are understandable but unrealistic.

As men cling to old expectations, women are creating new expectations that are equally unrealistic.

Just as women can’t do it all, men can’t either. Women today carry a burden twice that of their mothers. They not only feel the new economic and social pressure to work outside the home, but they also experience an ancient genetic pressure to nest. A woman’s nurturing instincts and nesting urges produce needs and standards developed by a long lineage of women.

Returning home after work causes most women’s stress levels to increase.