Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improve Your Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress

Most men appreciate a beautiful and orderly home, yet they can easily return to an untended house and simply relax while watching TV. In his world, relaxing comes before tending to the home. After a long day at work, a man takes a deep breath and begins to relax at just the thought of going home. When a woman returns home, her stress levels go up. Every cell in her body says, “This house must be cleaned up before we can relax.”

Even if she wanted to rest, she couldn’t. Her mind is too busy with standards that she must uphold. This is also true of women who do not work outside the home. In a woman’s mind, there is a long to-do list. Until it is finished, it is very hard for her to rest, relax, or do something simply because she enjoys it.

Women are the CEOs of their homes, organizing the household and determining what has to be accomplished. A woman has to notice what needs to be done and then enlist her partner’s help. Most husbands will happily do what they are asked to do eventually, but it is rare on Mars to notice that something needs to be done. Sometimes it takes so much nagging to get something accomplished, and when it is done, the task has been performed so halfheartedly that she begins to feel it’s easier to do it all herself. Women do not understand why their partners don’t feel the same motivation to share the responsibilities of the home, and they resent it.

Under stress, women feel the pressure of a never-ending to-do list.

Women are the custodians of love, family, and relationship. When women stop being women and are too stressed to carry out these functions, we are all lost. Women remind men of what is important in life. Women hold the wisdom of the heart and inspire men to act from their hearts. Men can have great vision, but women provide the meaningful foundation. When women are not happy, no one is happy.

When women become men, men lose purpose, meaning, and inspiration in life.

To resolve this source of conflict, men and women need to understand each other better. Men need to recognize what women are going through. A woman already feels enough internal pressure about domestic order. Any extra pressure from him can easily push her over the edge. At the same time, women need to recognize and understand what men can and cannot do to be more supportive.

How to Ask for a Man’s Support

Most men are pitching in more with domestic duties when their wives work outside the home to provide for the family. For two-career couples, if the man is not helping out enough, the answer is to ask for his help in very specific ways instead of criticizing and rejecting him. Do not just expect a man to see everything that a woman might think needs to be done, and then to take action. Routine jobs around the house are not urgent in a man’s estimation.

One approach that works most of the time is to ask for his help in specific terms. Men love projects. Projects are specific. They have a beginning and an end. He can determine what he is going to do, how he is going to do it, and most important, when he is going to do it. Men will often do what they consider is most important first. When given a project to accomplish, he also senses that his efforts will not be taken for granted. All these ingredients help to give him energy and motivation. Here are some examples of how a woman can ask for a man’s support in specific instead of general terms:

If she is tired that night, she can say, “Would you please make dinner tonight, or pick up some takeout?”

If there are piles of laundry, she can say, “Would you help me fold this laundry tonight?”

If she doesn’t feel like cleaning up the kitchen, she can say, “Would you do the dishes tonight, please? I need to take a break.” Or if she wants help with the dishes, instead of just expecting him to pitch in, she can simply say, “Would you bring over the plates?” or “Would you wash the pots and pans tonight? I would really appreciate the help.”

If she needs something from the grocery store, instead of doing it herself, she could ask, “Would you please drive to the grocery and pick up these items on this list?”

In each of these examples she is giving him a project that has a beginning and an end. Men tend to work best on projects rather than in routines, since routines have no clear beginning or end. When a man is tired, a domestic routine is rarely a priority, as it is for a woman. Even if he is tired, a project with a definite end point or solution will give him extra energy, particularly if a woman’s tone of voice or facial expression while making the request indicates that she will appreciate the result of his actions. When he does something to help her rather than because she expects or thinks he should do it, he then feels closer to her and is more willing to help out in the future. This willingness, based on satisfying many of her little requests or projects, actually gives him more energy at home to provide even more support. Eventually, he will get in the habit of helping more and more.

Men tend to work best on projects rather than in routines.

Realistic Expectations Lead to Real Love

Most men are not equipped to be the domestic/communicative/romantic partners women fantasize about. Although some men attempt to fulfill that fantasy, in the end both partners become frustrated and disappointed. He may try for years, but eventually he runs out of steam. Some men try during the dating stage and then give up, because they can’t continue to meet their partner’s expectations. When this is the case, a man may suddenly lose interest and not even know why. He is just not that interested in her, not because she is not right for him, but because he is trying to meet unrealistic expectations. Lucky is the woman who is able to appreciate what a man can offer, for she continues to get more and more.

A man loses interest when he senses that he can’t continue to meet a woman’s expectations.

Likewise, most women are not equipped to be the domestic/communicative/romantic partners men want. It is unrealistic for a man to expect a woman to create a beautiful home without help and appreciation, always to be in a good mood, never to be needy, and to be romantically available at all times. Many women try to fulfill this fantasy but feel cheated and betrayed when their partners do not return their love.

When men begin to understand a woman’s new needs, they are naturally motivated to help out more. Men who make this change must make sure that they take the time they need for themselves as well; otherwise they will both end up overwhelmed and exhausted. Lucky is the man who is able to meet his own needs and then respond to a woman’s need for help around the house, good communication, and regular romance, for he comes home to a happy woman.

Fortunately, reality is much more wonderful than fantasy. We seek real love, and if we have the right expectations, we can find it. Together we can make small but significant changes to support each other more effectively. Adjusting, updating, and correcting our expectations can free us from feeling victimized or powerless to get what we need.

In addition, these new insights about our differences help us to recognize and remember the real problem: increasing stress. Instead of blaming our partners, we can blame stress. It is often a mistake to conclude we are too different to make a relationship work. The truth is, stress can drive a wedge between us. By learning how to support ourselves and our partners at times of greater stress, we can learn to lower stress levels. When stress is removed from the formula, our differences are never a problem. When stress is reduced, our differences are a major source of fulfillment.

When stress is gone, our differences are never a problem.

Men and women don’t complain about their partners when they are feeling good. Problems and demands emerge when we are under stress. Our unrealistic expectations surface when we attempt to get our partner’s help to lower our stress. With a new understanding of how men and women experience and cope with stress differently, we can address the real problem in relationships today.

The problem is never just our partner, but our own inability to cope with stress. When we learn how we can deal with stress more effectively and help our partners cope, the grip of our unrealistic demands is easily released. We are then able to enjoy the feelings of acceptance, trust, and appreciation. It is only then that our relationships can thrive.

The problem is never just our partner but our own inability to cope with stress.

If a man was to yield to the pressure of a woman’s unrealistic expectations, he could become a domestic partner, but within a few years all the romance and passion would be gone. When a man becomes more like a woman in a relationship, he will inevitably become overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed.

To yield to a woman’s unrealistic expectations will eventually exhaust a man.

This role reversal can easily put a damper on romantic feelings. If a man becomes more feminine, the attraction she felt for him in the beginning is lost. Instead of becoming more sensitive, men need to become sensitive to the needs of women. This is what women are really looking for from a man. Certainly a man can be sensitive, but to meet her needs, he must consider her needs and not just his own.

Instead of becoming more sensitive, men need to become sensitive to the needs of women.

When a man displays a greater sensitivity regarding his own needs and feelings, a woman begins to experience maternal feelings rather than sexual attraction. Instead of feeling cared for, she feels her motherly instinct to care for him. Though this feels loving, it does not promote romantic feelings. On the other hand, when a woman displays sensitivity with appreciation and trust for a man’s support, it dramatically increases his sexual interest in her. A woman’s sensitivity, which gives her the ability to enjoy and appreciate the little things in life, is a major turn-on to men.

A woman’s sensitivity, which gives her the ability to enjoy and appreciate the little things in life, is a major turn-on to men.

With new insights about what women need, a man can help a woman cope with stress without increasing his own stress. A man can give the domestic/communicative/romantic support a woman needs, but in ways that work for him as well. Without becoming like a woman, he can provide the support she needs even when it doesn’t look the way she thought it should.

A woman can learn ways to lower her partner’s stress by helping him feel successful in helping her. Though a man does appreciate domestic support, positive communication, and romance, what is most important to him is to feel he is providing his partner with some measure of fulfillment. Instead of thinking of direct ways to support him, she can actually do less and simply appreciate what he does for her. This works well, because women are already doing way too much. Wouldn’t it be great if a woman could do less, and a man would feel more supported? Well, it’s true. It is such a new concept for women that it takes a little time to sink in.

When a man takes action to support a woman’s needs, she feels supported, and her stress goes down. But the opposite is true on Mars. When a woman does less for him and allows him to do more for her, his stress is lessened. A man’s stress is reduced when he feels successful in meeting her needs. Instead of giving more to him, she just needs to help him be successful in meeting her needs.

By giving less, a woman can actually be more supportive of her partner.

“Helping him help her” as a strategy for success seems very foreign to most women. They don’t imagine that they are pushing away his support, but in many ways they are. Every time she complains, every time she makes demands, every time she gets upset, every time she doesn’t ask for help, every time she resents having to ask for support, she may be giving him the message that he is not a success. Unknowingly, she is increasing rather than lowering his stress and ultimately pushing his support away.

In short, “helping him help her” involves asking him for support instead of just expecting him to give it, and then requires that she acknowledges how much she authentically appreciates whatever she gets. This is achieved by feeling and being, not by doing. Her “feeling response” to his actions is much more important than anything she can ever directly do for him. By being grateful for what she is getting in her relationship, she is actually helping him to succeed. On the other hand, when a woman focuses on what she is not getting, she gives the message that he is not a success, and his stress goes up. He then has less to give. She is pushing away his love when she focuses on what she is not getting.

A woman’s response to his actions is much more important than anything she can ever directly do for him.

This simple principle can produce immediate results in any relationship. There are endless ways women fail to acknowledge a man’s sincere desire to provide his support, just as there are countless ways a man can respond to her needs to provide her with greater fulfillment. Finding authentic ways to give a man the message that his efforts are appreciated does not involve the old-fashioned notion of sacrificing her needs to avoid demanding anything of him. Instead, it requires a greater responsibility to fulfill her own needs and to learn how to ask a man for support in small increments that are realistic and reasonable.

Even when a woman takes time for herself, she can help a man feel like a success in a relationship. When she is happy, he will always take credit and feel better. Without this insight, a woman would never think that taking time for herself could actually help her partner. When men take time for themselves, women often feel neglected. For this reason, a woman might find it hard to believe that taking time for herself actually supports him in giving more to her. Understanding our differences provides a completely new direction for men and women that not only brings out the best in our partners but makes relationships so much easier.

Why Women Need Men

Fully receiving a man’s support is not as simple today as it was in the past. Women today are confused when it comes to the role a man can play in their lives. She either needs him to be more like a woman, or she feels she doesn’t need him at all. Neither approach works. Being more independent and self-sufficient, modern women want a man to share their lives with but don’t really feel the need for a man. They want a man, but to need him makes them cringe. When they do need him, they often want him to be someone he is not and cannot be.

Ultimately, men want to feel needed and are most attracted to a woman who appreciates what they have to offer. When a man is needed, he can make a difference. A woman who can appreciate what a man has to offer automatically reduces the stress in his life. Women who clearly feel the need for a man attract them like bees to honey.

Women who are very successful and independent often remain alone, because they don’t realize why they need a man. Statistically, the more financially successful a woman is, the lower her chances of getting married, and the greater the possibility of divorce. Most of these divorces are initiated by the woman. These statistics change as women learn to feel their need for a man and appreciate what he can offer. It is challenging to appreciate someone you do not think you need. When a woman doesn’t open herself to a man in this way, she is pushing him away and increasing the stress in his life.

You can only appreciate what you have when you authentically feel a need for it.

Independent women don’t have to give up their freedoms to feel their need for a man. You can be independent about some things and depend on your partner for other things. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Some women watched their mothers deny their needs and submit themselves to please their husbands. They have vowed never to allow that to happen to them. By seeking a life of complete independence, they, too, are denying their needs and following in their mothers’ footsteps. To avoid submitting themselves in a relationship, they have denied their needs altogether.

For other women, the process of surviving or trying to get ahead in their careers distracts them from getting in touch with their feelings and need for a relationship. To get ahead in the workplace, they have to express their more independent selves and have difficulty shifting back to their feminine side that easily feels the need for a man. These women often think they need a more feeling or sensitive man, but they really need to connect with their own more feminine side.

If he is more sensitive, such a woman might imagine that it will be safer for her feminine side to emerge. She has fantasies of talking with her partner the way she would with a girlfriend or with a wise mentor. Unfortunately, when a woman gets a “more feeling man,” it doesn’t help her connect with her own feelings. The more sensitive a man is, the more their conversations will center on him and not on her. A needy man is a huge turnoff to women. After a while, she doesn’t even want to talk with him, because she will have to listen to more of his sensitive feelings or his opinionated tirades. When she thinks she needs a more sensitive and vulnerable man, what she really needs is to express her more vulnerable self. What she really needs is to be heard, which all men can learn to do.